Want to divorce but scared of affording a place on my own

[CountZer0]

This must be a really average situation I’m in, but I can’t find anyone to talk it over with.

We’ve been married for 18 years, 3 children and the youngest is 11. After a long time spent in couples counselling I know that it’s not going to improve and I need to leave. This really isn’t taken lightly but it’s been the cause of my depression for years.

I’ve got no problem to pay whatever maintenance payments are necessary and of course I want the children to be as ok as possible so would prefer them to live in our house.

When I look at moving out, it means an extra £500-£800 rent a month plus all the additional costs like utilities and we just don’t have that amount spare every month.

My wife doesn’t get paid a lot, certainly not enough to cover the mortgage but the children are settled in their schools and I don’t want to move to a cheaper area.

Any thoughts or experiences would be very helpful, or who can I talk to?

Once I say that I want to split she will make it very unpleasant so I’ll have to move out straight away.

Without sounding harsh. When I was I your position I stopped worry about all the detail and went with 'I cant have one without the other's so concentrated on making it work. Not how it wouldn't.

The wife, will likely need to eventually work full time (assuming the kids are young and they are staying with her). Unless you are a really high earner or have assets, spousal support is unlikely.

You need legal advice so you know exactly where you stand and where she and the kids would stand.

You will need to get a financial advisor to give you specific advice but the two things which can facilitate a divorce financially are to downsize or remortgage the property. For many people an inheritance from parents is what allows them to move on. It’s not easy and you have a great approach putting your children’s wants 1st. Wishing you future happiness. Making the decision is the hardest step.

Thanks for the advice, don’t worry about sounding harsh - I guess I don’t like going into stuff unplanned and I need a shove. Going back into depression just makes that more difficult

I got rid of my freeloader of a Wife several years ago. She tried to prevent the Divorce and made the settlement a contest. It all went against her and she left the marriage with less than what had been offered before the Courts became involved.

Divorce started when child was 8 and ended when child was 10. Child has taken it well and attends the best school in the area.

Ex pissed that she now lives in a 2 bedroom terrace and I got to keep the 4 bedroom detached FMH. Rental income covers the maintenance I pay.

So I moved on with very little financial disadvantage to myself which is another thing that pisses Ex off as she wanted to see me homeless.

Youngest is 11, but how old are the other two? The older they are the more your ex wife would be expected to work full time.

Good luck

With all due respect MissedTheBoat I see you type the same thing over and over again about your "freeloader" of an ex wife, regardless of if it's relevant. You need to move on with your life mate and stop being so bitter.

In my opinion OP you might be best to come to some mutual understanding that you divorce when the youngest has finished school. Honestly it will take a couple of years to get divorced anyway, and she can make it very unpleasant for you if she wanted. It depends on your tolerance though, but I can't imagine being skint as well as family-less doing much for your depression.

I understand your point but I don’t know how much longer I can stay in the relationship. It’s been 12+ years of feeling rejected and neglected which led to depression and seeing suicide as the only way out.

5 more years until the youngest leaves school seems impossible

You have one life and i would not just sit in it for 5 years unhappy. Get some legal advice, try and discuss it with her. If needs be go to mediation (solicitor led if needs be). The more difficult she is the more money will be spent with solicitors and courts and the less will be in the joint pot for sharing out. The courts will be fair and needs will be assessed. Between you, you both need somewhere to live and have the children stay. Your wife will be expected to work more hours now that your children are in full time work. Good luck and be brave!

i meant children are in full time education, apologies

I am a wife and separated/divorced my ex when youngest was 11 (just started year 7).

I work full time but couldn't afford our current house/mortgage in my own. So we sold and I brought in a cheaper area.

My priority was being in a direct bus route to the DC school. Once they have stated secondary school the place cannot be taken off them if you move after they start. My DD started in the September, ex and I split in the November and it took until the new year to sell and move.

What I am trying to say is once youngest is in year 7, there is no issue moving to a smaller cheaper property.

We’ve got a 3 school system here so it’s another 18 months before the youngest moves to senior school.

Thanks for the replies, it’s very helpful.

I’ve made an appointment for just myself to see a solicitor later this month, hopefully they can give some insight into what’s involved or likely to happen