Divorce hell

[Pinkpanthershow]

I feel it would be easier to leave ISIS than my marriage. Divorce process is going on forever. Ex H refused to move out, although I offered to pay all house costs and mortgage and refuses to put the house on the market until we have agreed all finances, and then makes it impossible to agree finances.
We tried meditation but he decided to stop it and now we are paying a fortune to lawyers each month and still living together. It feels like it will never end. The stress of living together while divorcing is horrible, particularly as he hates me for daring to leave him.
I know it will end one day but it just takes so long and my ex wants to make it as hard as possible. We have one child who is also having to live through this hell.
He is also determined to get as much money as possible and make crazy demands.
This is just a moan, and a warning, DO NOT GET MARRIED! EVER!

I didn't want to read and run. No advice here I'm afraid but I'm sorry you're going through this. There will be an end to it. Good luck.

Can't you afford to move out and rent somewhere temporarily until this is all finalised? And take dc with you? Life's too short. (Tbh I've done it myself, and it's such a relief)

Thanks for responses. I have thought about moving out. Lawyer says not to but they are not living through this. I am not sure ex can afford to pay mortgage and I can’t afford rent, plus share of mortgage and all the legal bills. Plus I worry it would stall him agreeing to sell even longer and that our son may prefer to stay in the family home. However it may still be worth it, as current situation is not good.
Much sympathy to anyone who has been through this or is going through it.

I think it would encourage him to get a move on. You take a rental place, so you've got rent to pay, council tax plus utilities, travel, food and all the other bits and pieces. If you've any spare money, you could pay something towards the mortgage but realistically he'll be on his own with that. If he defaults and the lender forecloses, you'll both lose money and find it very difficult to get another mortgage. Is that what he wants? But ATM he's just coasting along and playing you like a fish on a line.

I agree it is hell and made very difficult to get out of. I do feel anyone planning a wedding should get a proper advice booklet warning what they are letting themselves in for, costs of divorce and the unfairness of the financial split. I would wish this on my children!

To OP

On the plus side Courts can awards costs if they conclude that one of the partners has been obstructive. I suggest that you and Solicitor make what you consider to be a fair offer. No certainty that your Ex will accept, but if you can demonstrate that you have attempted to settle amicably that would likely go in your favour if it goes all the way to a final hearing.

My ex dragged Divorce out for almost 2 years. I made several offers all which were rejected without reason or even a counter proposal. Most of my costs were deducted from the settlement figure and Ex ended up with a lot less than was previously offered.

My friend of my mother had same trouble. She was forced to rent for almost 3 years as ExH stalled the sale of the house. Often was not around when potential buyers came to view. Did not make the repairs Estate Agents recommended, house was untidy and dirty when people did view.

At final hearing Judge awarded the Ex wife a sum to cover part of the rent.

Good luck

I do feel anyone planning a wedding should get a proper advice booklet warning what they are letting themselves in for, costs of divorce and the unfairness of the financial split

Better still;

DON'T GET MARRIED

No, the law should change. It’s natural for people to want to marry - it happens all over the world. It’s not fair, however, for this enduring institution to be one that sanctions one partner simply ripping off the other. Or abolish marriage and start again with some other contract.

In the past living with someone and having children before marriage was frowned upon. Not any more as evidenced by fact that the number of people marrying is reducing.

NBR has allowed herself to be ripped off by carrying a freeloader for 22 years. Many would have given their partner the boot long before.

Yes but I believed in commitment and duty and trying to do the right thing even in bad circumstances - for which I am being ripped off in return by the law. It’s still not nothing, is it, to be unmarried and have children or to have a “broken” home. There are still people who disapprove of that. I was trying to do the right thing.

There are still people who disapprove of that. I was trying to do the right thing

Right thing to do is what makes you happy as opposed to conforming to expectations from others.

He is such a cretin, what does he hope to get out of this other than massive legal bills.
You have decided to divorce him, that isn't going to change.
The divorce settlement will not change no matter how much he contests it.
Utter waste of stress and money.
Me and ex did everything online and didn't use solicitors and it cost almost nothing.
I hope he wakes up before all the money has gone. I feel so sorry for you and your child.

The divorce settlement will not change no matter how much he contests it

If costs are awarded for being obstructive then his share would be reduced. If not then both partners lose out due to the legal costs.

Been there, got the scars.

A very wise friend pointed out to me that for the 2 years after announcement of a split the two parties are in the grip of a bit of madness, and expecting a rational and fair response from someone you're leaving because they are a controlling bastard is a bit mad in itself. You are not going to get any sense out of him while he is still so angry so I would say batten down the hatches and lower your expectations - focus on what's important, which I presume is roughly in the order of 1) live separately 2) sort finances long term 3) get divorced.

With that in mind, get your solicitor to help you with a strategy that works for you to achieve your priorities of moving out without losing your fair claim on the family equity, then sorting finances, then finalising the divorce. A good solicitor is a fantastic thing but in my experience they are a bit one-track-mind and need to be very very clear on understanding your priorities and working to those.

I laughed at your first sentence about ISIS! I think this sense of black humour does you good.
Sorry you are going through this .He seems like he is just being obstructive for the he'll of it.Prick!

I completely agree with @purplewithred some good points made there about a temporary madness. I lived through this and know exactly how you feel. We are through it now - and believe me its only with hindsight that I see the situation was only temporary. You're right in the thick of it and it can be more than overwhelming.
All I can advise really is to stay calm - be clear on your goals - be fair - (no matter how much that hurts) and take one day at a time. Trust that you will get there in the end.

Hi just ready the above my divorce started in My 2018, I was estatic to get the Nisi as early as September 2018 but since then we have stalled.

Does anyone know what happens when the solicitor on my side have decided if he won't offer a sensible amount which he is not they are threatening court action, what actually happens.

Do we have to attend the court itself, or does it go before the judge first to decide and then attend id necessary. I don't want to keep asking my solicitor as legal bill is already 7K and the thought of another 4 to 8K on top of this for court action is unthinkable.

We have at least agreed contact arrangements for my son and us but now he won's sign the document to make it legal making it useless and it will mean that he can potentially change his mind to what we've already agreed to.

I hate this process it is too long to to be stuck in the same house like we are, it makes me feel sick.

He's decided to go on holiday by himself week after next, this was one of the problems long ago, not taking time off to be with his son then disappearing on a boys only holiday when he feels like it.

If anyone out there knows the process of court action to sort out financials.

Don't ever get married!!!! I split from my lying cheating wife in July. I'm now in rented. She is still dictating now. I just want rid of her. At the moment we are having to share a car for my 13 year old daughter. So if I use the car I've always returned it to the home for her. The last 3 times I've needed the car she has been awkward and so I'm having to walk to the pub where she has left it or walk home back to my flat 2 miles away as she has changed plans where as normally I could get home in 5 minutes by cycling.
We are only at petition stage at the moment and it's just full of absolute but I just want to get away from her.
.

Sending a hug 🤗am in same situation. Its been going on over a year. And he told me he would make it as difficult as possible and he is. It us really dire isn't it and feels it will never end. I know I am living it too.