Sorry to hear about the undoubted pain all this is causing for you and the children. It’s an awful thing to happen and you will be in emotional turmoil. This will not be helped by his inconsiderate rush to action.
Unfortunately it is what it is and best advice is to try to act as objectively and calculating as you can in your own interest and that of your children. To do this you should park or mask the hurt and anger. If you have a friend or relative who is very rational and can support you in this ask for their help. Other friends, the emoters can help with the pain and anger.
Imo your best interest is not to thwart his wants and needs. They are only of interest in so much as they tell you what he wants and that is useful to you.
Your best interest is to secure a safe and stable future for your children and you. This means you, as a parent, and the children need to be financially secure and happy. This means you need to agree certain things with your ex, a decent financial settlement, parental access and a divorce.
Right now, I would put in place means to communicate with each other. So email about agreeing the separation, general divorce and access issues. Text and calls in emergencies only and in relation to the children. That gives you headspace from him and his behaviour.
My advice on how to respond to his request for a divorce is not to say no. Instead say your acknowledge that this is what he wants and will cooperate provided it is carried out in a way that does not cause any further disruption or distress for the children.
Agree that you too want to avoid unnecessary legal costs and that if he agrees to the following you will attend mediation
- to continue to pay living costs for the family to stay in the family home; (work this out in a fair and affordable way, minimum is CMS but I would also ask for half the mortgage).
- communication as outlined above
- practical access to see the children, suggest that new partners are excluded for now as it would make things difficult for the children.
- that he pays for the cost of the divorce
- that he pays for you to see a solicitor before and after mediation to get independent advice about the process and agreement.
- he pays for mediation.
Nb he might no agree to all of this. Know your red lines and be willing to compromise to some extent. Don’t immediately react to his response. Wait, digest, talk it over then reply when you are calm not angry.
The fact that he wants a quick divorce is distasteful but use that to get the best deal for you. Make it subtly clear that doing it quick means he has to compromise and offer up the maximum your are entitled to.
But remember he has levers too and could withdraw financial support (not CMS) and decent emotional support to the children. He could get nasty and shitty which will make you and the children insecure and unhappy. Not condoning this just pointing it out
I hope this helps.