Please help me

[Queenmarigold]

We have 3 children 2xDT and 1xSEN child. Been together 21years.
I have felt increasingly lonely and unappreciated since becoming parents 12 years ago. I take responsibility for all childcare, medical appointments, haircuts, clothes, homework, play with friends, clubs and activities. And I work full time with a 45min commute each way.
He mows the lawn and empties the bin. He works long hours so he can have every other Friday off. Originally it was agreed this day Wouk. Be used for diy and contributing to running the house but actually is used for pursuing hobbies.
I feel like I work my arse off constantly for someone who doesn't give a shit. I am exhausted and stressed constantly.
I'm scared of doing it all on my own though. How did you finally make the decision to split, was it worth it and do you feel your children have sacrificed too much?

Op have you tried to sit down and talk about this? Make a list of his responsibilities that need to be done etc..

Separating isn't going to reduce your workload. It just means you'll still do it on your own, but with bins and grass cutting as well. I know you're exhausted but you need to scrape up the energy from somewhere and get him focused on using his Fridays for everyone's benefit, not just his. My ddil nags, moans and loses her shit completely. It works!

I don't get listened to. I've ranted and raved, I've lost my temper, I've even emailed. But it gets turned round that it's all my fault. I feel like I have 4 kids not 3.

Singlenotsingle I get that, and if I'm honest that's partly what makes me stay. It's just so much work all the time. I don't think I love him, I certainly don't like him; he does nothing to earn my respect and I don't find selfishness attractive in any way

You could be describing me. I know sooo many women who work full time and then manage all the house and kid stuff too. I read articles about it and it’s never resolved. I do it all because if my dh did all the kid stuff I would be checking it and probably end up doing it anyway. You have either got to totally back off and tell him it’s now up to him or it doesn’t happen or accept and it gets a bit easier cos the kids start to leave home. Is it really going to be easier on your own?

OP it’s a shame that responses so far seem to have assumed you wouldn’t have tried obvious things like talking about it.

Contrary to those responses I think you might be less tired without him. Especially if you go for shared custody and ensure that responsibilities for both parents are drawn up in writing (who takes them to clubs, wash clothes kept at his house etc). You’ll get some time to yourself. Furthermore IME, living with men like him tends to increase the overall workload as they don’t really pick up after themselves either.

Men who behave like another dependent, rather than a partner, rapidly become unattractive. If you have tried everything to help him see this, perhaps it is time to think about going it alone?

I agree with DC3, has he ever been away for a few days? The stress lifts and you coast along, but without the mental strain of the bitterness at his lack of help.

I think you will have less workload without him too. One of the dc can do the bins/lawn and you will get every other weekend off (if he actually wants to see his children)

Dc3 I was trying to just get a larger picture of the situation rather than 'yes ltb'

Op based on your update I think you would be better off separating as he has no respect for you. Life is too short to stay unhappily married to someone who doesn't treat you with respect and take your feelings into consideration.

Rather than rant and rave, sit him down and talk about the practicalities of separating.
Explain calmly that this is the only way you can think of to get him to share the parenting duties a bit more, as nothing else has worked. You feel you have 4 DC not 3.
If this does not shake him up and volunteer some change, then go ahead and separate. This does not mean you can’t still work on your marriage.
Good luck

Thanks all. Big help and reality check from you. Big love x

Honestly it's a big step but I think you'll find it's a big weight off your shoulders when it's just you and the children. You won't feel like you're carrying him and everything you do will be for you and them. Time you have when they are with their dad will be yours and he will have to step up and pull his weight to look after them when they're with him. I felt a huge difference once my now ex had moved out.