Whats your biggest divorce regret?

[BusyBeeMummy1]

So ive told my husband I want a divorce. Ive caught him cheating on me twice now through online dating profiles hes made.

We share a 19month old son and ive come to stay with my parents for a couple weeks.

I know its what I have to do as it wasnt a healthy fulfilling purposeful relationship and now i just cant bare to see him. Although I may be willing to go through Mediation at some point

Hindsights a wonderful thing so Im curious to know if any of you have gotten divorced and regretted it later in life? Maybe the impact on your children was alot greater than you thought or the lonliness is bewildering. Will I regret this decision down the road. My main worry is how my son will be affected by being a single parent child.

Any comments appreciated

Another one who regrets not filing for divorce immediately after separation....it would all be done and dusted by now if I had done that

and the divorce was messy

Same for me. Ex did not want a Divorce and did all sorts to block the proceedings. From my initial petition to the final hearing was about 2 years.

Wish I'd done it years before ! I stayed because of the kids, but they have told me that they would have been fine if we'd gone earlier. It turned out that they both knew about his cheating , since he hadn't bothered to keep it secret from them at all. If I'd realised that, I'd have walked many years before I did.

I am currently going through this OP for you, it isn't easy even if it is the right thing.

My plan is to see a solicitor next week (H leaves on Friday) and have the divorce papers arrive on his new doormat pronto. I have hardened to this position in the last week or so because he is being extremely petty about taking things from the house. Absolutely petty and spiteful.

I think I might actually hate him at the minute (and I am fairly level headed).

I won't be here when he leaves because I am taking DD away overnight so he will have free range to raid the house. I keep telling myself they are only things, but they are things that are/were mine before we married and I love them.

We have agreed a financial position and he will be relatively loaded whilst leaving me with the financial commitments of our married life. I hope that the divorce can happen swiftly without too much conflict.

I need him out of my life financially as soon as is practicably possible, he is a liability and there is absolutely no way I am dragging anything out because of that.

Not doing it sooner ! And perhaps not having married him in the first place!!

Long (nearly 3 years) and very acrimonious divorce but I'm so happy I'm not married to him anymore!

My second divorce wasn't a problem, all went smoothly and did not involve any solicitoes, we agreed a settlement and that was that. We talked all the way through and agreed on everything.
First divorce with a 5 year old child I regret everything. My 1st husband was abusive and violent and we were in court for 2 years fighting over custody of my son to the point where they talked about having him taken into care, I had to do it as my exH was battering my son and he was too scared to speak up. I eventually won and my ex was given no contact whatsoever with my son until he was grown up.
The costs were £50,000 each beaing in mind this was the 1980's and we lost everything we had, home, savings everything.
I never regret fighting for my son, it's my job as a mother and he was grateful to me for doing it.
If there is no violence or problems with the child then go to mediation, avoid solicitors wherever possible as they cost thousands.
Keep talking. Even if you hate him be civil, sort it out in an adult way.
Hate and court hearings get you nowhere.
Get what the mediator says you can have, they know what they are talking about.
Your son belongs to both of you and if he is a good dad then there should be contact but if you feel your childs best interests are with you for the majority of the time then don't give that up lightly.
If you are pleasant and keep communication open even if you want to stab him you will get what you want quicker.
Good luck.

I wish I had done it sooner too and moved nearer my family.Easy with hindsight but regardless life without him is so much better.

I should have left sooner.
I should have contacted a lawyer and not listened to anyone else.
I shouldn't have warned him about the lies the OW was spreading around town (he attacked me for it).
I should have taken more stuff and not let him intimidate be so much.

My solicitor told me about a client divorcing an absolute liar of a man. Client wrote down the whole shebang, who did what, who got what in the agreement and then sent a copy to every family member. It removed her ex husband's bullshit play and put everyone in the picture.

I wish I had had the smarts to do that. The law is pretty tight, I am sceptical of all "bleeds me dry" stories because the default position is 50/50 split and take care of the children, anything else just translates to refusing to take care of the children (ongoing financial commitment = ways to weasel out). The high road is all well and good but does not protect you or your dc from a manipulative abuser.

One excellent piece of advice I had when worrying about what people said was that if a man leaves his dc with their mother then she must be perfectly sane and good at looking after them so you can ignore anything said to the contrary. Most people know this automatically but if you are coming out of an abusive relationship and your head is a bit pickled you need the obvious pointed out.

Also 90% of lone parents are women.

Someone always pipes up about how they know many evil women who robbed their exes blind, spent all their money on botox and bling and dug a secret underground lair to keep the children from their family forever out of spite and pure evilness because NAMALT.

Fuck that. The figure is 90%. NINETY! Women are on it!

I regret my divorce because I know it hurt one of my daughters greatly. We remarried eventually.

Def theme here..: I wish I'd done it sooner but I was young and believed things would get better.

Also wish I'd been more savvy re the money side of things. I tried to keep it amicable so took half of debt which was in his name only (some of it was mine but most wasn't) however the way he behaved after that re finances and refusing to pay for solicitor fees for the house sale etc I wish I hadn't been 'too nice'.

Be fair but also look out for yourself and any dc. Don't presume he'll be fair or that he'll even behave in a way you'd expect. My ex dh has behaved in ways I'd never have imagined. Go with your gut feeling and focus on making yourself and dc happy

Salli, I am really struggling with that right now, seeing DD sad.

We are separating and I know it is right for many reasons, I still have feelings for STBXH but I cant live with the man he has become.

Seeing DD subdued makes me doubt the whole bloody thing.

Should've done it 10 years before I finally found the courage; but I did begin divorce proceedings straight away so we were done and dusted before he really knew what hit him.

I don't regret anything about either of my divorces, except that they became necessary.

But as the child of divorced parents, I'd say that the only thing you MUST NOT do, is be bitter about your ex spouse around your children. Save that for your friends/therapist/Mumsnet.

Even now, 40 years after their divorce and with my Dad dead, my mother still bitches about him to us. That, in my opinion, is what really fucks up the children. Not the divorce itself.

I wish I'd pushed for a better settlement and been more hard-nosed about the whole thing. I had no support from anyone, and lost my house and everything. He even tried to back out part way. I am so much happier now, with a lovely DH. Glad I didn't have any kids with XH.

Biggest regret is that I rolled over and let him take everything.

Should have done it sooner, or preferably not married him at all.