boundaries and bonding with children after separation

[spritesobright]

I am hoping to get some advice on helping my children deal with the divorce and also just carving out our new 'normal' family with some boundaries and bonding opportunities firmly in place.

STBXH left in June (said he' fell out of love' and I found out about an affair later).

We explained to our girls (7 and now 5) that we still love them and want to see them, just separately and that's been working out ok. We've done pretty well at keeping it amicable but recently I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of it and like it's put a strain on my relationship with the children. They reserve their emotional fallout for me and I know this is normal but it's also difficult to deal with.

I feel like I haven't been the best parent sometimes because I've been stressed, tired and a bit down and sometimes I get impatient with them when they won't listen to me. They seem to do everything for their Dad (eat their vegetables, brush their teeth, put their shoes on) but with me they resist so much and I feel like they don't respect my authority anymore.

My two major concerns are:

• trying to (re)establish some boundaries with them
• and wanting to bond/have fun and enjoy them

I wondered if anyone had been through similar and what they found worked for them.

Anybody?

We tried a 'House Rules' list last night and the girls were quite sensible and creative I thought.

Any other ideas people have tried?

It's really hard when the children act out towards you when the situation isn't your 'fault'. I got this with DS. I found it really hard when he was younger, but my DM once sat me down when particularly frustrated and said to me he is only doing this to you as you are his secure attachment. He doesn't feel secure with his dad and therefore saves his frustration and acting out for me.
As he has grown up (nearly 15 now), he has said very similar. He is terrified that if he plays up for his dad or tells him what he is thinking about his part in the break up that he won't see him anymore.
It has really helped me to see it from this point of view.
In terms of behaviour at home, it's tough if you get all the routine days. I have always tried to carve out some time to do some fun stuff. If they are with Dad at the weekend, have a weekday evening where you have some fun, watch a film at the cinema, cook together, play some games, go for a walk in the dark with torches. Just some time to enjoy together rather than always being stuck in the routine stuff. Otherwise it feels like dad gets ALL the fun time, which builds resentment.

Thanks Afromom that's reassuring. I know at the beginning DD2 kept asking me to tell her that I didn't love her (which I obviously didn't do) and so clearly she feels like her father is a flight risk. Because he is.

When I try to see it from their perspective it makes a bit more sense. But still difficult.

That's really interesting that your DS can now articulate this to you.

They've been away for a week at their Dad's and actually when they got back it was easier to be patient and appreciative of them.

I'll try some more 'fun' activities and see how it goes.

I think you're right that my issue is it feels so 'unfair' but the major injustice is really to them having their family broken up.

I had exactly the same experience DD took all her frustration and anger out on me as I was her 'safe' parent. I just kept my rules consistent and stuck to them. Most of all she wanted time with me, walking the dog and watching movies.
7 years later she barely sees her dad ( her choice), but she and I have a very good relationship.

I agree, they see you as the safe parent and them pushing the boundaries is just a way of checking you still love them even if they’re ‘naughty’.
Just be consistent and loving.

Thanks all. I guess I kind of knew that about love and consistency it's just needing a reminder and the everyday putting it into practice.

DD2 has been wetting the bed quite a bit lately and last night when I woke her up to change her she said "thank you mummy" before falling back asleep.

I just have to hold to those lovely moments that they do appreciate me.