Nearly 36, soon to be divorced, sad and lonely. Please help me :(

[AimeeFrank]

Hi everyone
I’ve posted on here before a while ago. But I just need some positive affirmation again.
STBEXH just started divorce proceedings... with my ‘unreasonable behaviour’ cited. We barely have any contact now, although yesterday I saw him in the car when I was driving back from the gym and stupidly texted him.. which ended up being a long text convo (anger) and a phone call (me crying a lot).
I miss him so much, I miss the person he was. He has nothing nice to say to me, blames me for everything.. takes no responsibility for any of this. I’m not perfect and I’ve spent the last 7 months beating myself up over all my flaws and faults. He’s so angry at me. Can’t understand why I can ‘get over it’.. we were married 5 years and together for 12 and he only sees the bad now. Says I look at things through rose tinted glasses. He is so cruel.. and has such a low opinion of me.. says I’ll be a dickhead about the divorce (I haven’t been at all) drag things out (I haven’t.. he said he didn’t file for divorce until last week because he was a nice guy).. i hate myself and blame me for him leaving. I do work too hard, I’m financially a bit crap and always have been, I took too long to decide if I wanted a baby. I just can’t see any of this getting any better.
He’s now threatening to stop paying into our joint account his half of the mortgage. I’ve spoken to my solicitor and waiting to hear what he has to say.. the only thing we’ve been to is mediation and the financial outcome has been drawn up from the mediator. I was advised not to do anything with the house until the divorce has gone through. Which the STBEXH Doesn’t like because he’s in rented accommodation and feels like he ‘can’t move on’.. so blaming me for that as well. I think he thought that this would take a few weeks to sort out. My gorgeous friend is also getting a divorce and she told be that they can take 400 days to sort.. and that’s the simple ones. It’s so typical of him not to have throught this through yet blame me again.
I’m sorry I’ve waffled on but I hate myself so much.
Xx

Your marriage is over but you have lots else going. You're young and (I assume) have a good job and friends. Can you plan something with your friend, a holiday or night out, and work towards that as the point where you'll put the bad marriage behind you other than any remaining admin, and look forward?

Good that you have a close friend that you can speak to

The process of getting divorced can suck, but being divorced is ok. It doesn't have to be sad and lonely, it can be very freeing, opening and rejuvenating

Ask your solicitor how long he thinks it could take, if there is anything you can do to speed it up or anything you must avoid to slow it down

If contact with STBEXH is too upsetting, keep to a minimum to protect yourself and try to be cordial. It's hard to detach yourself when you are emotionally invested but it does help

You will 'grieve' for the death of your marriage; have times when you feel angry, sad, bitter, disappointed, frustrated but you will get through it

Plan small things to look forward to and keep going. This stage will pass.

I am sorry you are going through this. Try not to contact him unless it’s about the divorce. I know it’s hard but it’ll be better for you. I know from experience. If you feel you need to ‘talk to him’ write it down or put it in an email to yourself; it’ll help.

My divorce came through in September 2018, very much unwanted by me. I’m also 36, no children, and understand what thoughts/fears you might be having about the future. Hang in there and take it a day at a time

You do know that you were in a horrifically abusive relationship, don't you? Perhaps try the Freedom Programme and get hold of a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

for you, he has destroyed your self esteem and you need to be kind to yourself. The fact that you don't have children is excellent, you are not bound to him in any way once this is over.

MutantDisco is right. And please don't keep blaming yourself. He's being a dick. That's all on him. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed that. Some people just one day become dicks. ¯\(ツ)/¯ Separate the dickness from you and the now, what you think you did/didn't do and all that. Time to heal. Focus on YOU now. Hugs.

Oh and don't let him make you feel bad for what your solicitor says. You are 100% entitled to a fair divorce and only doing what your solicitor advises.

You will look back at this in a year with relief. You are grieving at the moment. Honestly he sounds awful.

You are still so young and the next chapter of your life is going to be so much better.

I know it hurts right now, but once all of this is done with and behind you, you will be so much happier.
Your ex is an abhsive dick. I second doing the freedom project and I also really strongly urge you to seek some counselling. Just to talk this through. Your confidence and self belief is understandably at rock bottom now - you need some help to pick yourself back up and to show you that none of this is your fault.

Don’t be sad - you will be free! You still have time to have a baby if that’s what’s worrying you.

He's attempting to be an manipulating arse. No contact, lawyers sort it, and you work on you x

Thank you so much everyone for your positive words and advice. I’ll definitely be following that all up. It’s so hard to stay in good spirits. I’m so worried that I won’t have a baby because I made my mind up too late for my husband. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last few months I guess that’s a good thing. X

Thank you

You can still have a baby. Be thankful that you are not going to have to deal with him soon. There will be no child custody/visitation issues. You will be free to choose a better partner.