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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Custody Arrangement

11 replies

Anchorless · 20/02/2019 23:17

Hi, This is my first ever post but I am a long time lurker. My husband of three years (together for 14) has recently decided that he no longer loves me and we have split, we have two primary aged children. I have made my peace with the break up (kind of) and we are currently working through custody arrangements. He wants 50/50 custody and I have no good reasons for opposing this, he is a great father and our children adore him, love spending time with him and whilst we were together he has done an equal split of care and day to day parenting, however I am really struggling with both the logistics of the arrangement (ie how many days with who) and the thought of being without my children for 50 percent of the time. Does anybody have any advice on how to work through this that’s has been through similar? Thanks.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 20/02/2019 23:24

It's unusual to do a full week. It's usually done so that weekends alternate and there's an alternating pattern with weekdays so that it's 4, 3 then 3, 4, for instance.

Personally, I feel it's disruptive, particularly for younger children.

It can also mean neither side pays or receives any maintenance.

Original poster
Anchorless · 20/02/2019 23:37

Thanks. Maintenance isn’t an issue we need to consider. I’m keen that we do the best thing for the kids and think equal access to both of us is in their best interests. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. I have drafted a schedule with alternate weekends (inc fridays) and two days during the week. My issue is on the weekends that they are with their Dad, when his two days fall next to the weekend that’s five days that I’m apart from them. He will of course have the same issue in reverse. Not really sure what I’m asking to be honest, I don’t think reducing contact with him is fair to them. Perhaps I just need to look for some coping mechanisms to deal with our time apart. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/02/2019 23:46

If you are still on good terms could you perhaps "go for tea" or similar so you and they get to see each other, they feel M&D still have a reasonable relationship etc and vice versa. Might be a good way to chat about things????

In an ideal world although I do know that if you have this its like hens teeth

Doyoumind · 21/02/2019 00:19

I think it is difficult to go straight from seeing them all the time to not seeing them for 5 days. I think it's also difficult for them, so something to bear in mind.

I have more of a 70:30 arrangement, like lots of people. My DC built up to that and it's been going for a long time, but during the holidays, when they are away for longer, they can still find it hard and so do I.

elasticfantastic · 21/02/2019 00:51

When my uncle and auntie split they did Wednesday to Wednesday each. One would collect kids from school Wednesday and have them all the way through to the following Wednesday when they would drop them at school. It worked well for them but their split was amicable (even though she had cheated on him he wanted to amicable for the kids). Both sides of families would sometimes help out with child care, school pickups etc.
Was never unsettling for the kids as they knew the routine, just knew they had 2 homes. Kids are now late teens/early twenties and have great relationships with both parents.

elasticfantastic · 21/02/2019 00:53

Obvs they could have phone contact with the other parent when ever they wanted to. Now days FaceTime would make this better.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 21/02/2019 00:57

Does your ex work full time, are five days workable for him? Do you work? Could you not do a weekend split which means you aren’t apart from them as much but he gets more one on one time?

Original poster
Anchorless · 21/02/2019 01:22

Thanks everyone really helpful. Yes we both work full time, kids go to after school club. Alternate weekends and two days each in the week would works for us both. I think we’ll have to try it and see how it goes and review if it’s not working for the kids. The idea of having tea together one night may be something we can consider as someone suggested, we are relatively amicable for the kids sake although I wouldn’t want to confuse them or give them any hope that we are getting back together.

OP posts:
2boysDad · 21/02/2019 14:01

I wish their were more threads on mumsnet with parents as responsible and mature as the OP.

Anchorless - your kids are lucky to have two great parents, I really hope you can make this work well.

Original poster
Anchorless · 21/02/2019 19:27

Thank you 2Boysdad. It’s by no means easy, in fact probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, just trying to get us all through it relatively unscathed.

OP posts:
Otter71 · 23/02/2019 19:05

My daughter has asked for a week and week about arrangement. She feels it works for her at 13. My son is currently refusing to see me and at almost 18 there seems little I can do to change that. Does disrupt everything as she wants changeover to be on a Sunday when she does a days volunteer work at the local stables. Guess different things for different people?

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