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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong here - adult children

21 replies

numbbrain · 19/02/2019 12:55

I am getting verbal abuse from my exh around access to the adult children.

We have 3 children, all over 18 and at university. They mainly stay in the FMH with me when home for holidays.

I have mentioned to them many times that they are over 18 and can chose now who to stay with and when.

DS is home for a few days at the moment and both EXH and me have known for a couple of weeks he is coming home.

He arrived last night and the only thing I had arranged was a birthday meal out on Wednesday evening. The rest of the time DS has nothing arranged.

What would you expect to happen if EXH wanted to see his son.

Message son and invite him over. Pick him up and bring him back
Message son and invite him over. Send me texts that I need to bring him over or take him back because he's too busy.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pick him up and bring him back. They are both adults. It's a 10 minute drive from his house to mine.

OP posts:

pregnantforever · 19/02/2019 12:57

I'd let them sort it themselves and save the drama. They are both adults

Hellohah · 19/02/2019 12:58

I would say DS is old enough to decide when he sees his Dad.

My DS is 13, and he organises seeing his dad himself now.

His dad does the collecting and dropping off.

3timeslucky · 19/02/2019 13:01

If they're over 18 then leave them at it. Not your responsibility.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2019 13:01

Mine stay with me when they're home (they live away) and go on the train to see their dad. I'll give them a lift to the station, but that's it. However if it was a ten minute drive, I'd expect my ex to pick them up.

You are not your ex husband's taxi driver. You are not here in this world for his convenience. And I bet he doesn't pay towards their keep when they're home, does he?

Original poster

numbbrain · 19/02/2019 13:01

Thanks

I am being accused of being obstructive, making him chose between parents, and told that i'm an irresponsible parent and using the children.

Also that its my responsibility to conribute to them seeing him and that includes moving them around.

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 19/02/2019 13:05

They sort it out between themselves.

To avoid this crap with XDH I put aside some £ from the settlement and paid for driving lessons and starter cars for both kids so by 18 they could drive themselves backwards and forwards. I was very very lucky to be able to do this.

10 years on DS is still driving the car I bought for him at 18 :-)

Original poster

numbbrain · 19/02/2019 13:07

Purple

My daughter has a car so it's not a problem with her.

The other 2 are starting lessons as soon as they are home for the Summer, so not there yet!!

OP posts:

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 19/02/2019 13:12

I'd expect them to sort it out between themselves.

NotBeingRobbed · 19/02/2019 13:26

Yes, it’s up to them, you are not obliged to drive anyone anywhere.

cstaff · 19/02/2019 13:41

They are all adults, he lives 10 minutes away and somehow it is your fault that he is not seeing his kids. Jeez tell him to grow a set and make an effort.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2019 14:04

I drive between 200 and 300 miles to see my children. He's a nutcase if he thinks he shouldn't have to drive for ten minutes.

NotBeingRobbed · 19/02/2019 14:04

I’m interested to know if he’s paying towards them at uni?

inchoccyheaven · 19/02/2019 14:14

My ex lives less than 5 mins away and I always had to do the pick up and drop off unless there was a good reason I couldn't. Our ds1 is 18 and at uni and when came home at xmas still expected me to take him to his dads as he doesnt like to ask him to do it. Not entirely sure why but its like he doesn't want to upset his dad or put him out in anyway.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 19/02/2019 14:28

I'd back off completely. Once mine were around 16 they made their own arrangements with their father totally. He lived quite a few miles away and would drive to pick them up from school / home/ town whatever they'd arranged. The children would mention out of courtesy that they'd be eating out with their dad on such and such a day and that was that.

FaithFrank · 19/02/2019 14:30

They are all adults it is up to them to make their own arrangements.

Why are you even receiving texts from XH? If he is being verbally abusive, I would just block him.

greenberet · 19/02/2019 14:32

It’s not you it’s him!

Original poster

numbbrain · 19/02/2019 15:22

Notbeingrobbed

No he doesn;t pay them anything at uni.

OP posts:

NotBeingRobbed · 19/02/2019 16:09

So he shouldn’t expect you to do anything to help him. You’re feeding them and housing them in the holidays!

BlingLoving · 19/02/2019 16:21

I think it's up to your DS and ex. I could see a situation where your DS asks you to give him a lift to his dad's, in the same way he might ask you to give him a lift to a friend. But that's different to you being expected by your ex to sort out moving your DS around.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/02/2019 16:24

Tell him to sort it out with his kids and to stop bothering you and then block him. You don't have to communicate with him anymore - he's your ex!

Otter71 · 19/02/2019 16:32

My 2 are 13 and 17. Admittedly the big one drives and has a part time job. Both deal with parent access direct with each parent. Both know how to ask for or negotiate the transport too in their own way. Your young adults should be able to do the same surely? Teaches them about the parent and teaches life skills.

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