Spark has gone- what to do- aged 48 and 2 kids

[history]

Hi
I've with my husband for 18 years and we have a nice life, 2 boys 11 and 9 and nice house etc.. He's a great dad and supportive husband in many ways but I haven't been happy for a while. He doesn't really emotionally engage and to be honest we have grown apart. We have probably had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5/6 years and he doesn't try any more for fear of rejection. I've raised a few times how I feel and he tries hard but says he's happy and doesn't see it as I do. Bottom line for me is I do love him but I'm not in love with him. I don't find him attractive in the slightest and feel as I've been living in limbo for the last 5 years in a state of indecision about whether to end it..I've suggested a trial.separation in the past but he just days he's not going anywhere.. I've arranged for us go to couples counselling which whilst he says he doesn't want anything to change- he will do.
To be honest I am frightened to end it( although starting to feel I must have a trial.separation at least to see how it feels) but frightened to stay in something that makes me feel quite depressed for the future. He's a quiet low key guy who doesn't like emotion or confrontation and I'm the opposite and starting to feel as I've started to not be me and am suppressing everything. He doesn't deserve this.
Please help!!!!

At a certain age we tend to get to that part when we are not interested in sex.menoause is a bitch but you can do your research you can also get support from your doc.
I really feel that sometimes we do need support and professional help to relight some marriages .
I know from experncies that some have worked at their marriages both that is and it’s really been a saving grace.
It does happen
In my case no getting out will be for the best .
In your case I still feel you might have some hope.to save your marriage.

Some really good points here. We are complex and as we go through life face a great numbet of challenges both in changes to our physical make up but also external events such as loss. In mamy cases certain events trigger what may seem like unrelated reactions and it is important to try and embrace them and work through things. For me i got too obsessed and concerned with my own thoughts and feelings i lost some perspective. Also i failed to properly recognise that my H was also struggling with his own issues some of which were a fall out from my own problems. Talking with him and sharing our feelings was really good and we reconnected. I always knew that i loved him but my "crisis" meant that we refocused and became closer than we have probably ever been. And yes sex is an important element of it all but i definitely over thought it. It does help cement an emotional connection but at the same time it should be just good fun not a chore. We tried a few different things and added a little more adventure while not taking it too seriously. Having a bit of fun cannot be underestimated when you are in a relationship.....again i wish history and others going through similar all the very best. I came through it and have found an inner peace and lightness to my life after a very difficult period

GraciousM
thank you for sharing it’s not always divorce divorce
Some marriages can still work.With the right help and interventions

I've suggested a trial.separation in the past but he just days he's not going anywhere.

Would you move out of your own home if he asked you?

How you getting on OP?
This all rings true for many of us and good to read some positives from some of you and the work you've done put in to fix things.

Thanks all for your thoughts and sorry for the silence on my part- dazedandconfused- no decisions yet. It's a total.emotional.rollet coaster- some days/moments I think we need to have a (trial) separation and others I feel more hopeful. I've suggested some time part but he's very against the idea and won't leave our home so I would have to bite the bullet and move out and set up another home for me and the kids - who we would share as much as possible I guess. Having said all of that I do have times when I think we can get through it but also ask myself- is this it? Is this all I can expect ?? Lovely decent guy very supportive but for me the passion/in love element isn't there any more.
On a positive note we have just started couples counselling to see if it can help us reconnect. If I'm honest I'm not sure in my heart of hearts I want to stay in this marriage but feel I need to try and see if we can turn things around. My husband has finally realised how serious the situation is after being in denial for the last couple of years and it's resulted in a strained odd atmosphere between us but I guess that's understandable..
Sometimes I just think I'm having a mid life crisis or have too idealistic a view of what we can reasonably expect from life and relationships!!

I could have written your OP @history in the past and I've just made the decision to split. If it's helpful, the things which decided it for me were: would I want my daughter to feel this way in a marriage; do I want a life with no passion in it for the rest of my life; do I want to be feeling the same way in 5 or 10 years - that I doubt the relationship but not enough to pull the plug. I decided no to all of those.

It's very sad and it will be difficult but, life is short

Misty I'm going through the same. It's sad and heartbreaking but trying to look past it to eventual happiness

Summerdreamss - what stage are you at? I'm looking around a place this week and we haven't told the kids yet. It feels really surreal! I've just started a thread in relationships for those of us going through similar to virtually support each other if you want to join me?

Hello again. We all over romanticise at times and relationships do go stale but if you have a good man whi supports you then believe me it's worth the effort. A relationship can be reignited, i know that by experience. It takes some effort and plenty of attention but it will be worth it if you can get there. It sounds like you have a great relationship and a mutual respect which is very important. Keeping the spark going needs efforts on both parts and i truly hope that you can get there. Think positively but dont push too hard

Similar stage as you although it's him that's moving out. Im an emotional mess today, completely drained.
I'll look for your other post

Misty9 how are you getting on? This limbo is so hard but I'm sure it's far more difficult on the other side.. perhaps my expectations of love are as Gracious Em pointed out far too romanticized and simply unrealistic..!

@history Hi, it's still hard yes but it is at least shared now and I definitely feel glad the limbo is over. I have my own thread if you want to read more detail www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3522214-Unexploded-bomb-in-my-head

Wrt to the over romanticising question, I wondered this too but ultimately I didn't want to be dead from the waist down and inside for the rest of my life. Who knows if I'll even meet anyone else; but I will get to rediscover a bit of me as I've felt I'm disappearing in this marriage. There's a lot more context to that on the thread I linked to ^^

It's a hard decision but remember that life is short and you only get one go at it

So I'm back, I wanted to see when I wrote this as I'm still in the same place and we are now 5 months on and on holiday. He's such a good kind man, so supportive but I'm just not remotely attracted to.him physically any more.
What's wrong with me that I can't find him attractive? On paper he is a great husband and we have a good life. If anything I have a slightly pampered exustancw although I lost my dad last June and my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time so lots of other stressors.
I just wish I wanted to be initimate with him but I just don't want him to touch or kiss me - I just don't...
But I have 2 boys who adore their dad and it would break their hearts and his if I broke up our little family...:(
Any thoughts welcome...

@ History, I can relate totally unfortunately. I have started counselling on my own to try and figure out where I go from here. Mine too is a great husband and dad and I do love him, but the fear of going through the rest of my days passionless is starting to tip me over!...No answers here either I'm afraid, just sympathy!

You say you are not physically attracted to him anymore. Does this goes both ways considering the amount of times you guys have sex?

How is the counselling going? (Haven't rtft)

Maybe both join a gym and healthier eating choices . Whip yourselves into shape a bit more? (Not saying he is thinking you are not in shape op!!! But just incase)

Haircut? New clothes

Dress up foreach other a bit.

But this emotional connection that you spoke of is veryyyyyyy important too. Finding each other somewhere in the middle. Obviously considering you are both different and you cant chance someone 180 degrees.

That the spark you speak about. Yup. I can imagine aftee 18 years it being gone. But the thing is. Do you want it back? ? Because all things above is just about trying to find that again

To find that spark again. That you once had. That led to you guys starting a family at a certain point.

The question is do you think your future is better with him in your life. Or without him

And don't do the "staying together for the kids ". It is not fair. To ANYONE. But mostly to yourself. Living in a selfimprisonment of a lust & spark lacking 'love'life. Living a constant lie for the sake of what?

Your kids will still love you AND their dad when you guys are not married anymore. And it would open the door wide open for you to find your "ratpark" (rats in a cage with no toys go nuts/depressive . Rats in a cage with toys/snacks/etc are happy. Learned this from a comedy here in australia hahah). Find Your "bigkid playground". The thing that makes you shine. That makes you ecxited to be alive.

So figure it out. And whatever way you go: do it for 100%! If you fight for your spark: FIGHT!

And if you choose you: choose YOU.and own it.

Good luck op. I can't imagine how hard it must be

Torres10, thanks for the sympathy- much appreciated. I too am wondering if I'm close to saying enough for exactly the reason you said. I'm 48 not 88 and I want to look at my husband/partner and feel love rather than looking at him and finding him very unattractive but then trying to engage my brain and say but he's kind, adores me, looks after me would do pretty much anything for me so why don't I feel in love with him?!!
Yeahnowmum that's all great advice, thank you. He's very into me physically but I'm just not interested. He's started working out and taking more pride in his appearance, wearing aftershave etc but I'm not sure it's making any difference. I do yoga every day and although hardly an oil painting try and make an effort.
We had 3 couples counselling sessions but it felt a bit false to me as I sat there and I all I wanted to say was I'm not sure if It be you anymore but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him like that. Tbh I found the whole thing pretty excruciating. I've tried before to suggest a trial separation or him moving but but he refuses...
My children aged 9 and 12 adore him and I could move out and take them but that feels too much for them. I, selfishly want him to go and we put the house up for sale etc..
It's such a mess, I so wish I could love him but I feel like I'm acting out a part with someone and the longer it goes on the more dead I feel inside....but I'm too scared, worried about facing it head on! His feelings, the kids, their home, the finances etc etc..

It's quite revealing that he says he doesn't want anything to change. Including your long term unhappiness? Does he really not want to lift a finger to change that for you? Is he really happy and satisfied that you are so lonely and lost and unhappy? I'm not saying it's his job to make you happy - that's your job. But you can reasonably expect him to energetically prioritise it and support you in it.

@history - I think we may be living parallel lives, so recognise everything you say, although my DH appears to have lost interest in me physically but that may be just due to me pulling away, sort of a self fulfiling prophecy! Anyway next step for me is a solo walking holiday going to try and get some perspective by being away from it day to day..I will let you know how it goes, am hoping to divine intervention!!

I am in the same kind of boat. Been married for 21 years. I love my DH very much but I think he has pushed me away. He is now a completely different person. He makes me feel really stressed out due to his constant pickiness and criticism. I am only relaxed when he is away on business. He sneers at me, makes me feel really unattractive and fat, which I am not. When he is at home (workaholic) he barely speaks to me.

I swing from showing him more affection to show him that I still love him to hating his guts and wanting out. I worry that he will have an affair and dump me but then I also think if he did I would have no hesitation to get rid instantly and never look back. I worry about him leaving me when the actual reality is that he should be more worried about me leaving him as I think I have already started down this path. I feel like I am going mad.

Hi @history - I started reading this and then realised I posted on it back in March! So, I moved out in April and we've been sharing care of the kids (5 and nearly 8) since. They're coping ok although handover days are hard. I'm finding it harder to adjust and it was fortuitous to find this thread with my own old posts on it as my ex wants to start the divorce process (but wants me to apply) and I am struggling with coming up with 5 unreasonable behaviours...so started to wonder if it was really that bad.

But the sexual connection has never really been there for us, it was mostly on his part at the beginning, and emotionally I've never felt supported. I was disappearing in the marriage and he took little responsibility for any issues we had. He has showed pretty much zero reaction to the split and indeed told me he's much happier. Am I happier? Not yet, it's been a tough few months. But I'm optimistic for the future (sometimes!). And it's been fun going out and having a life again. Feel free to pm me if you like, limbo is no fun I know