Contact with abusive ex

[Lina86]

So I've finally had the courage to leave the father of my 2 children after 9 years, though not bad from the start, the last 4/5 years he turned extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to the point I have been in and out of hospital due to stress related illnesses, last month I was finally diagnosed with serve depression and had an amazing consultant who made me realise the effects dealing with him was having on me and my body, which was the finale push I needed to leave. So now starts the problem of communication regarding our children, I own the house we live in and paid for literally everything so am lucky in that sense, but he tends to turn up uninvited to see the children, I don't have it in me to turn him away once the children see him so allow him to put the children to bed etc, then the abuse starts again, though he doesn't stay for long after the children sleep, 15/20 minutes, it's constant verbal abuse to me and threats, though I believe they are empty threats never a less I have to hear them, also daily texts and phone calls of abuse normally for no reason other than using me to get his anger out it seems like, he tends to work away during the week and is living in shared accommodation so I will not let the kids over to his place until he can afford a decent child friendly place, I just want him out of my life but will never stop him seeing the children, I don't know what to do. He is estranged from all his family and my family have had to put up with his BS for years and don't want to involve them so have no one in that sense to act as a middle man, does anyone know of an organisation that can be point of call for commutating the child care? Can I contact anyone to speak to him and lay down rules of general respect if entering my home to see the kids. I feel he doesn't even deserve to see them, especially my eldest, while not exactly abusive to her, he has a short temper with her and can be very dismissive and judgemental, though she has a beautiful heart that forgets and forgives easily and just wants her Dad to spend time with her. Any help or advice will be muchly appreciated.

Print off a map of your area. Highlight cafe's, parks, soft play, bowling, cinemas.
Tell him to crack on and keep him out of your safe place.
Your dc do not need him more than you need good mental health.

Do not let him in your home. Just because your kids are in bed doesn't mean they don't hear what he is saying to you or sense the tension in the house. Tell him he isn't welcome and that if he shows up you will call the police. Change the locks if you haven't already and keep all of the messages sent and received. Do not rise to what he says and fire back make yourself beyond reproach because of this becomes a legal issue then it needs to be clear that he is in the wrong. Contact women's aid for advice and see if your local police station can offer some as well. If you feel like you can handover your kids then do so in a public place this might prevent a scene. If you think that he will use them against you, refusing to hand them over etc you could tell him that for now they will be with you until the two of you can reach a legal lot binding agreement, get some legal advice.

Thank you both, funny how a bit of care and advice from strangers makes me feel that little bit stronger already, stated what I knew deep down about not letting him in my home, but mummy guilt overtaking the need to care for my mental. One day at a time, thank you again. X

I could have written this post myself. And I'm at a v similar stage as you. I've been reading for a while about narcissistic abusers. I credit this book 'POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse' with my epiphany moment where I saw his behaviour (and the years of abuse during our marriage) for what it really is. I told friends reading it every day was like fitness training to give me the strength to keep on with the decision and see the truth finally. Emotional and verbal abuse is abuse. It's just not visible. And if like me you had told no-one what went on behind closed doors, this moment is the beginning of the rest of your life. I hope you find the strength you need to continue. I found finally telling family the biggest relief - not making excuses any more and recognising the behaviour was unacceptable. I'm at the same moment - just managed to get him to leave and have triggered the divorce. And snap - he comes back in here like he owns the place. I'm practising the 'grey rock' approach - it's so helpful and I realised how often I'd get drawn into his exhausting hysteria. I am trying to keep my mind on the bigger picture and the end game - finally getting out and getting cuddles with my babies every day. I've asked that when he comes at the weekend he collects and takes them out. And midweek I've said I won't be there and will come back and take over. Grey rock him and the abuse should reduce as he's not getting the response. Good luck :-) We got this!