Ex-husband getting married so soon?

[Karmacoma]

Hello everyone. My ex husband left when my son was 2 months old (October 2017). First I begged him to stay (he kept rejecting my advances), then I realized I deserved better and asked him to divorce me (I don’t get the right to divorce in my culture). Our divorce was finalized in October, and he kept asking to be “friends” after that. He broke the news a week ago that he’s in love with this woman id heard rumors about for a year (and partly why I told him to leave me). Now I just heard they are marrying very soon. I’m very much over him, although gutted by knowing this was the case after all. He hadn’t admitted the whole year but finally gave closure when I didn’t need it. But it feels like it brought back the pain I’d worked so hard to overcome, although I’m not miserable and going about my day as normal. I cry a bit and then move on cuz I have a child to raise. How do I approach this situation? Do these things work out at all? Should I even care? Do peope like him change? What does the collective wisdom here say about these sudden quick remarriages? He was never a good husband so I’m glad he’s out of my hair but I’m also feeling vaguely rejected and upset that he lied so much.

Unfortunately, child or no child it’s nothing to do with you anymore. So long as he pays his way for the child. But he has a right to move on however he wishes, I’m assuming he couldn’t stop you either?

No child support since my son was born. But that’s okay I’ve got this on my own.

Have you claimed through CSA? Does he have your son over? Has she even met him?

That's a bigger worry than a remarry 15 months after a seperation

I think you have a right to be upset - you knew what was going on, he gaslighted you, now it's like a second rejection.

I split up with a lad in college and found out later he'd been with someone else while we were together, it still really, really hurt - and we hadn't made any vows or had a child!

In terms of what you can do about it though - nothing unfortunately. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch.

If he isn’t interested and you don’t want to bother with CSA hell, I’d just move on. (I wasn’t being mean before, just saying it as it is) Let him and his new wife get on with it, as you said he wasn’t a very good husband, so good riddance. Anyone who can make people hurt isn’t worth wasting time on

Thanks for pointing all this out. She hasn’t met my son, though she wants to. I don’t know whether I should agree to that or not. My family is advising me to not agree. I wasn’t offered child support. He is broke and simple pride stops me from asking.

Let her, she's going to be in her life. You'll make it harder for him to have a relationship if he's only allowed to see Dad without the WIFE there and that will come back on you.
I would have seen you more son but Mum said you couldn't meet X.

If they have kids they WILL be your sons siblings. Will you deny them a relationship or say Dad can oy see DS alone or with just the kids?
I would have seen you more son but Mum banned me from introducing you to your sisters.

Whereas if you allow them a relationship but he can't be bothered etc it's all on him.

And make the CSA claim. If you don't need it shove it in a bank account in your osns name and buy him a car when he's 21

Something tells me he will blame me regardless lol. That’s why it’s a call I have to make: what sort of boundaries do I set? I don’t want this woman to touch my child. It’s already happened several times that I’ve been accused of keeping him from being a father though I’m claiming no CS, left visitation entirely upto him, never asked for anything in terms of time and practical support.

No matter if you need or want it please claim child support. As you can see, life is unpredictable. Put the money away in a savings accout for your kid. Ex hubby help make the kid and he is responsible to look after the kid. If he is that broke is his OW (fiance) going to be the bread winner?

I was the provider in our marriage for 5.5 years (married 7). She’s also a smart ambitious high earning type. He actually told me he’s broke and homeless end of December (three months post divorce) and can’t stop crying cuz he’s missing me.

Some of these replies sound really heartless. You have every right to be upset. He was your husband and you’ve only just got divorced, it sounds to me that it’s probably the beginning of another failed marriage. People say that you shouldn’t care and just ‘move on’ but I wonder how many people have had to move on.
And you should care if they’ll work or not because if they don’t and your son meets her then it’ll just be another person that isn’t in his life anymore.
Separated parents that move on so quickly have no regards for their child’s well being. If it will work why can’t people just slow down and do it properly. What is with everyone rushing to get married these days, especially with seconds marriages.
Take one day at a time, it will be hard but he should have his dad involved even if that means with his dads partner

As a PP said don't be the one to stop him having a relationship with his dad by blocking him from having your son when he's with his new wife. Your ex is likely to repeat his actions e.g. running off when his new wife has a baby as he sounds like he has to be the centre of any relationship. At least you should try to force his dad to take on his parental responsibility.

I suggest as well as claiming child maintenance properly you also formalise child arrangements. That way your son will know when he will see his father and you will know when you get to do things just for you. If you cannot do it by communicating directly with each other via email or letter then do it through a mediator. If you cannot be in the same room as him use shuttle mediation. Like with any attempt to claim child maintenance keep records until your son is grown up so when he's throwing teenage strops you can show him you did your best to facilitate a relationship between him and his dad.

As a child who had 2 step-mothers, grew up with others who had one or more and grew up with others whose biological fathers just walked out, you learn as a teen but definitely by the time you are a young adult which one of your parents is the problem. You don't want to be "that" parent who is blamed for doing things wrong. Oh and I know a couple of people who still have a good relationship with one of their former step-mothers as they helped keep them on the rails when they were teenagers.

You, yourself, need to find someone to talk to in real life either a friend, acquaintance or counselor as your ex-husband is taking you for a ride. You cannot be friends with him as he's a complete shit but unfortunately you have to remain civil to him for your son's sake.

Keeping things civil has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But like you pointed out it’s the right thing to do. I’m already asked my dad to set up a visitation schedule because rn he comes whenever he is able to spare time at a few hours notice and it’s not fair to the child nor to me due to the unpredictability. I feel like he tries to control my life through my child though and I’m so torn now between protecting myself and doing that right thing. He demanded friendship last month for the sake of our child and when I disagreed all these abusive texts alternately begging to have a family again and swearing at me poured in. This is AFTER the divorce, I had to rope in my ex fil to stop him from harassing me. And my therapist remarked that you’re giving him a free ride but he still hasn’t risen to the challenge so you have to see him as the father he is as opposed to a father. I’m keeping things very civil regardless but I don’t know honestly WHY I should put my mental health at risk only for him to fail at being a dad.

I’ve actually done a good job moving on. I had no time to wallow but I made huge strides with therapy, exercise, praying EVERYthing. I just realized WHY I feel so strange: he had been wanting me back (and my wanting my “friendship”) until end December. He said he will implode his life is empty etc. I disagreed and said plz don’t expect friendship. Then he kept convincing me to talk but I blocked him. Then he sent me a ton of emails/texts that were totally nonsensical and abusive. Then he suddenly became very civil for January, and now I hear his wedding cards have been printed and sent out. It was probably a last ditch attempt on his part (after divorce?!), but I am double surprised that he’s remarrying for this reason. I’m glad he’s out of my hair but I hope he doesn’t drag his new wife into this drama. I don’t want to fight because I have to stay sane for my son.

If she has a child, that child is your child's siblings. Are you going to refuse contact with them too or just demand she isn't there whenever he see's her baby?

When your son grows up and says how come I never got to know my half sibling, why didn't you let me?

I'm not being heartless, I'm being honest. I would not. Have forgiven my Dad if he banned me from meeting my half sister after my Mum remarried (I stayed with Dad.

SHE isn't the baddy in this.

I'd go to court, get money formalised and visitation formalised.

I’ve raised a very happy and secure toddler with my entire family til now (a village) so I just don’t know if he even needs a father like this one. I’m so confused about making these calls, sorry that I’m all over the place. I used to ignore all the red flags in my marriage and now I’m suspecting I’m doing the same with him as a father. He says all the right words but there’s NO action and he just blamed me for his failures and I’m done with this especially NOW. I guess my question now is that if there’s one stable,sane parent and the other is unavailable, is it better or worse for a child than a stressed, sad one and an inconsistently available one?

Nope, I have no issue with visitations or my son having siblings. But he doesn’t have them right now.

I think it’s too soon to make any calls lol. The last few months have made no sense, that’s why I reached out to MN. Men don’t do this in my culture because it’s a conservative Muslim country. And my ex has defied everything I knew as the norm. I know I have no right to deprive my son of a father but I’m just so unconvinced 1.5 years on that he is worth my mental health.

I’m sorry I’m posting THIS much but money we just don’t need. He was unemployed during my marriage and that’s ok but my pride doesn’t allow me to beg for my son. I know he’s broke. I want the courts to KNOW I did this singlehandedly and I’m a capable parent who gave the child a stable secure home. Visitation is what I’ll formalize and I will set my terms for that (the OW is not seeing my son until I’m certain this marriage will last).

but money we just don’t need

Maybe not at the moment, but it will be another 16 years before son is 18. Anything can happen in that time.

Take what you are entitled to and put the money in a savings account for the child's future if nothing else.

he's so 'broke' that he can afford to have a girlfriend and get married....

He wears his “middleclass honest politician in a poor country” badge very proudly so I imagine she’s as sold as I was. It made him charismatic for me until I realized it’s an excuse for being a deadbeat hubby and dad.

Parents foot the bill for wedding in our culture too. And you live with them so yeah I see where you’re coming from but the cultural context actually doesn’t require a man to be fully self sufficient before taking a wife.