Positive stories post divorce

[MermaidMother]

It looks like my marriage is over (long story, posted here previously under a different name).
The fact that this time I've not been blindsided by this means I feel stronger about it but I feel very despondent about the future.
I'm mid-30s with two toddlers and I'd love to hear of positive stories of people coming out better/happier/stronger after divorce if anyone feels like sharing.

My biggest fears are from both a practical level (I'll not be able to keep the family home on my own) and from the perspective of having to share my children with their father and them not having the lovely family unit I thought we'd created.
I hope we will eventually have a good relationship for our children's sake but I also dread there being a significant other for him and I can't imagine how I'll ever meet anyone (not that I'm remotely interested at the moment). I'm also absolutely dreading telling everyone and having people pity me and gossip about it.

For context the pending separation/divorce is completely not my decision but I don't seem to have any choice in the matter.

Thank you all x

Me! 100% Had a really ugly separation and divorce story (cheating narc ex trying to screw me over with custody and financials). Throw into the mix a cancer diagnosis for me and a terminally ill mother to contend with.

Fast forward 3 years, I own my home (with a small mortgage) and am dating an absolute dream man I met on a blind date which I turned up to with no expectations.

There is definitely life after divorce , and the best thing is you can shape your life however you want to.

Thank you so much for your reply. And I'm so sorry for what you went through. How fabulous you are where you are now. I just can't picture it but I know it can happen! It's all so fresh right now that even the living arrangements are scary let alone ever trusting a man again! But yes, a clean slate to do what I want with (one thing I do know is I don't want any more kids - my two are all I ever need). x

Bumping in the hope someone else may want to give me some uplifting stories?!

I was terrified to start with but really didn’t have a choice, so just had to get on with it. With time comes confidence - it does get easier. Just focus on your kids and doing the best for them

No divorce, but I split up with my partner of 10 years just over a year ago. It had been over long before that but it finally ended then.

I couldn’t afford the house on my own, so we had to sell (at a loss). I still had enough equity and could get a mortgage to buy a nice house (much smaller). DS can walk to school. It’s easier for me to get to work.

I’m much, much happier. Everyone is happier. Ex has his son EOW and takes him to activities twice a week after school (but drops him here as otherwise it’s hard for DS to keep track of his stuff). I’ve got a totally lovely new BF and life is so much better.

I had an awful divorce not my choice left with a baby and a 5 year old . I was in utter panic crying and crying but with counselling support which was ongoing for about a year and friends around ( I hv no family either) . We made a new family , new traditions , fab movie nights, sleep overs , holidays eventually and I decorated when felt crap . Today 10 years on I hv a degree my own home and now live with the kindest man in a lovely home that s mine cos he's a diy god . The children havnt seen there dad ( he couldn't be bothered) for the last 5 years and we are all happier . My divorce in fact set us all free, I now know who I am and I like it and so do others. Our of interest he s now married to an old woman and hear they are in separate rooms . You can do this but one day at a time. Get advise on here from other single mums . If you can study do it you will meet new people and get away from the kids where it's all about you good luck x

Me too. I was 35 with two toddlers when my ex left suddenly. Total shock, I had no idea. Now I have remarried, and so has their dad (he also has another child). We all get along fine. DCs spend 40% of their time with him, 60% with me. It works well and they have a good relationship with us both.

My divorce actually became a major turning point for me, and I now work coaching people through their divorce.

Focus on keeping your cup full so you can look after the children. Make sure you eat and sleep. Don't stuff your emotions - let them out
and acknowledge them.
Face your fears (so find out how much mortgage you could get, how much the house is worth etc) - once you know, at least you're no longer living with uncertainty and you can look at your options. I was desperate to stay in the marital home, and did manage it, but within 2 years I had moved through choice.
Look for the upside to everything - even the darkest thing has a glimmer of good, even if you can't see it at first. I remember about 3 months after my DH left, I realised that I enjoyed not having to discuss what was for dinner, or how to handle something. I could just decide, and that felt powerful and good!

I honestly see my divorce as one of the best things that ever happened to me. You may not feel you have a choice about the divorce, but you sure as hell have a choice about how to handle it. I chose not to let mine define me. I chose not to hold onto anger, as it was damaging to me, and he didn't even know - like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

As for shame - no-one has ever made me feel ashamed about my divorce. No-one. That is a belief in your own mind. Instead of focusing on that, focus on all the amazing things you are doing that you can be proud of - I imagine there are loads. Talk about them instead of talking about your divorce.

Sorry, just typed all that and then realised you didn't ask for advice, only for positive stories! I can't help myself.

Thank you all so much. I love the positive stories! And the advice is great too - thank you so much. x

Look for the upside to everything - even the darkest thing has a glimmer of good, even if you can't see it at first

I completely agree with this. There are definitely positive that will appear but it's hard to see them now as dealing with the loss.

It will help if the divorce is reasonably amicable, is that likely?

It will be amicable if I let it be. He's leaving me and I'm almost 100% sure there is someone else. He's lied a lot and been caught out. It's whether I can put that aside and not let my anger and hurt take over.
He actually left last year and we then reconciled. It was a HUGE shock then but over the last 6 months I've started thinking about a future without him which is making it less difficult this time (not that I want it to happen but I can't live the new life we have with a complete lack of trust etc).

Luckily I'm a very positive person usually. I know I'm very lucky in lots of aspects in my life and I'll always look for the silver lining (sometimes easier said than done though!). x

Hi OP. Looking on the bright side - stick this question up on your fridge, mirror, in your handbag - anywhere!

If there was one goid thing about this, what would it be?

It's a brilliant question because it accepts there is a good thing and asks your brain to see it. Your brain will always try to answer the questions you ask it, so ask it good ones!

Anger is a normal part of the grief process when you go through a loss. What is underlying your anger? Betrayal? Rejection? Fear? Something else? If you can identify it, name it and acknowledge it, that's the first step to shifting it.

I always say that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It keeps you focused on him, not you, and keeps the emotional attachment alive.

How do you want to feel in 6 months/1 year/5 years? How do you want to feel at your children's weddings/21sts? At your grandchildren's birthdays? And how do you want to feel about yourself in 5 years time when you look back? All good questions to ask to get some perspective on anger.

Hugs OP. It is a shit time and you can do a lot to make better for yourself.

Nearly 3 1/2 years since I kicked my lying cheating ExH out and it just gets better!

Look for the small wins to start with, like you get to choose whats on TV and don't have to ask for a second opinion when buying spoons, then you'll find these snowball into a great big happier life.

Personally the sense of achievement I get from doing anything for myself is wonderful - I felt AMAZING when I got the Christmas decorations down from the loft the first time after thinking I was too scared to go up there! Even little things like having the right battery ready to change in the smoke alarm when it beeped the other day make me puff out my chest in pride!

Enjoy your independence, it's so liberating!

Hope all goes as smoothly as it can with the divorce, onwards and upwards

There definitely is life after divorce, I am now a home owner with a mortgage. I adore my two young adults and my bootiful gd. The kids don’t see their dad out if choice (he disappointed them too many times for them to want him in their lives)

I am with a kind man I met 3.5yrs ago via a dating site, we live together. Life is peachy.

You may have bad days, take these days an hour at a time. Other days take a day at a time. Good luck 💐

Thank you all so much. And I'm so pleased you are all happy.

The question of what do I want to think when I look back in 5 years ... it's something I've been trying to follow all the time. I'm adamant I will maintain integrity and not stoop to the same level as he has been. I'd love for us to be able to share our children's moments in the future with ease and I hope we'd get there but I know that will take time.

I know what another poster said about small achievements. When he did move out last year I relished having everything in order and only worrying about cooking myself dinner (after the kids had gone to bed).

It's funny as we haven't officially ended things but unless he has a massive about-turn I just don't see us surviving his latest behaviour.

Hi, I have been divorced nearly 2 years. I live in the marital home with my children. Hopefully selling and moving this year. The ex lives with his gf and her children. He doesn't see our kids. As a family we are all doing amazing, my oldest daughter is off to train as a children's nurse in September. I love my life now and like who I am as a person. It hasn't been easy but I wouldn't go back.x

OP you're doing so so well! If he changed his mind now, would you settle for it having tasted freedom?!

@Brakebackcyclebot it's a good question. I thought he'd been a great husband (bar the last 6 months) but now I think about things I realise how many compromises I've made in my life for him.

I'm not sure I still love him and I certainly don't trust him so if I can't get either of those back then whether he wants to be with me or not doesn't matter. I think he'd love me to end it to get him off the hook. But there is the massive part of me desperate to try for the sake of our kids.

Never stay with someone just for the sake of the kids. Think ahead to when they leave home and there's just the 2 of you left - how will that feel?

I don't believe divorce has to damage children. They are better off with 2 happy parents. Not with parents who are 'together', but one of whom has sacrificed her own needs on the altar of theirs. That is a massive burden on their little shoulders. The thing that damages kids in divorce is being caught in the middle of their parents' conflict, being asked to choose, being fought over. Too many people get caught up in the anger of their split, and the children are collateral damage.

Sorry that was a bit rant. I feel very strongly about this! The media has much to be blamed for - phrases like 'broken homes', 'failed marriages', which instil shame.

All those compromises you've made - how far gave they compromised who YOU are? Have you compromise too much and sacrificed too much of yourself? It's so easily done, and you have an opportunity now to really weigh up the relationship and who you are, and who you want to be.

I’d be interested in hearing some positives too. I’m 60 and currently going through a divorce. Married 23 years together 25, I discovered his affair last March and we separated.

I’m going to have to sell the house (I’m currently living in it) STBXH lives with OW in her house. I won’t have enough from the sale of the house to buy another so I’ll have to rent. He earns significantly more than I do.

I’m quite frightened about my future - I never thought I’d be in this position at my age. I’ve got some really good friends and DS who’s grown and has his own house with DDIL.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in my situation and is now out the other side.

Lily, have you taken legal advice about your financial situation?

@Brakebackcyclebot. I’m really fortunate to have an ex colleague who’s an excellent matrimonial solicitor helping me and he’s very kindly not charging me for the advice.

I’m sure there must be lots of women in my position which is why I was hoping for someone to tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!

My husband of 11years left me 6mths ago. After years of depression on my behalf (post natal and issue with my brother being ill) it got too much for him and he couldn't take anymore. We have 2 boys 7 and 4. Everything is amicable, I can't hate him. I tried to get on with it over Christmas and started dating. This really affected him but almost gave me the upper hand and I appeared to be coping. I've since stopped seeing the bloke and found out my ex (still can't get used to that) has been on a few dates with someone. The realisation that there is no way back and that he is defiantly not coming back is crusifying me. I feel like I am drowning. Everytime I see him I cry (Well sob) and I feel like I'm losing my mind. The pain is unbearable and I just don't know how to get through this. I try and be strong for the boys but I feel like I'm sinking. I don't know what to do!!

Lily I split from my husband of 25 years. V acrimonious divorce which took 4 years to settle. I have been in a happy relationship with a lovely man ever since. Tho the divorce was difficult, I am now happier than I would ever have been if I had stayed with the miserable git. He is on his own now as OW got fed up, and is internet dating at 65 (using an astrology based matching service - WTAF?)
Do ensure you get your fair share financially - pension, any equity of any sort, and you may need to toughen up & fight for it.
Life WILL be better!

Thanks @Moanranger. It’s nice to hear from someone who’s come out the other side.

It’s quite scary having to start again at 60 but I’ll definitely fight for everything I’m entitled to. The sad thing is our house is worth less now than we paid for it 10 years ago but there’s no way I can afford it on my own so will have to sell at a loss! The really infuriating thing is I didn’t want to buy it, I was railroaded by STBXH. If I’d stuck to my guns I’d have been able to stay in my previous property and only have a small mortgage.

As it is, there’s only a small amount of equity in this house, when it’s sold it’ll be at a loss of around £80K. I’ll only be able to rent as I’m obviously too old to get another mortgage.