Need advice from step parents

[Nj1208]

Hi,

I am going trough a difficult divorce (which started amicably) and my new partner is finding it unbearable to the point of it bringing my new partner to tears and it causing arguments between us.

To put it simply, me and my daughter live with my new partner and my stbxh is making life extremely difficult by not compromising when it comes to my daughters routine. He currently sees her two days a week, we want to swap it to weekends etc.

For many reasons, my new partner feels like my ex husband is dictating our lives when it comes to how often he sees his daughter and what days we can spend with her. The strain on me is unbearable. Has anyone got any advice from a step parent/ new partner point of view?

Thanks

Bumping this

Bit difficult to give advice or suggestions when there aren't really any specifics in your post, OP – can you tell us more?

What does "weekends etc." mean? Why do you want to change from the current routine? And what are the 'many reasons' your partner feels this way? How do YOU feel, and where is the strain coming from?

It sounds like you need to go to court and get an official agreement drawn up – but beyond that it's hard to offer any advice until there's a bit more flesh to the story.

I think you need to provide more details. It might be the way youve written this but it looks a little like you want your ex to do what your new partner wants - how old is your child, how long since you split, when did you move in with your new partner? What arrangement did you have and are you now trying to change it because your new partner wants you to? Your ex might feel that’s unfit and might not want to go a fortnight without seeing his child. Your child may not want this either. It needs more detail for a proper reply x

Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

To try and answer your questions

I have been with my new partner a year and a half, lived together for two months.

We suggested a new routine to my ex in the summer, he refused it as he didn’t have the practical things in place due to him still living at home with his parents etc. So we came back to the drawing board in January. There has been a lot of back and foring with negotiations over my daughters routine and what days he sees her but to cut a very long story short, my partner feels like he always gets the final say and that her routine with my daughter is being dictated by him. For example, this weekend my ex has decided that he wants me to pick my daughter up from his house (30 minutes away) once a week out of his two nights with her as he thinks this is fair. Just another thing where my partner feels dictated by him. It’s at the point where it is affecting my partners mood and wellbeing, whereas I have always tended to stick to his demands to keep the peace.

I feel strained because I have my daughter to think about and I am frightened that the stress of the dirviece will take its toll on my relationship too. There is massive strain on me, everyone is telling me to be stronger and put my foot down with my ex

You need to look at what’s best for your daughter- not what your new partner wants

Well obviously I am I always do

We suggested a new routine to my ex in the summer

There shouldn't be a we. It really after living together for only 2 months, should have nothing to do with your new partner. He needs to but out. Your posts are all about what your partner wants.

If he is getting this upset after 2 months then it isn't going to get better. Seems way OTT reaction.

It's nothing to do with your new partner. If YOU are happy with the arrangement then there's no need to change anything.

What days does your ex currently have your DD, and what days would he have her under the new proposed plan? Does the new routine benefit you, your DD and your ex, or was the new proposal only for your own benefit? There's still not enough here for us to offer an opinion.

There's an awful lot about what your DP wants and not much about what you want. It's your child, with your ex, your DP is new on the scene and not in a position to be getting this involved.

If you live with your DP and your ex lives with his parents, did you sell the marital home or are you and DP living there now?

I'm a SM and when DH and I got together contact for the DC was long established with between him and his ex so it wasn't anything to do with me. It's changed in bits over the years and when there are big changes we talk about them but despite being together a long time, several house moves, being married, having a baby, contact with his DC isn't for me to dictate and I wouldn't dream of having a strop about it, I can't relate to that at all.

You're the one going through all the big changes, you and your DC have had a lot of upheaval, it's still going on. Having a new partner adding to your stress by kicking off about something that's between you, your ex and your child is surely making life harder than it has to be. If YOU'RE not happy with how your ex is being then tackle it, but not because another man is having a tantrum about it - you're just stuck between two angry men then and that's bad for you and your child.

How old is you daughter?
What do you mean by routine? Is it stuff like napping, physio appointments or child wanting to go out with friends?
Does your ex work a normal 9-5 job or shifts?
Did you and your ex have a routine before your new partner was on the scene?
Why do you want to swap to weekends? Every weekend?

Hi OP, read your posts back and you predominantly speak only of your new partner, what works (I can't work out their gender from your posts!) for him/her, how he/she feels, how stressed he/she is and so on.

Nowhere do you speak about what YOU want or what is best for your daughter and the only person that seems to be dictating terms is your new partner.

How were things between your ex and you before your partner came along? All of this drama is going to be affecting your child and as a supportive partner/step parent, the CHILD should be the primary concern not the feelings of the new person on the scene.

Not to sound very harsh, but as a child of parents who divorced when I was 3, I would seriously advise you to look at what is easier for your daughter's emotional well-being, not the new step-parent's, who no doubt is blowing her little mind with confusion right now.

My parents bickered over pick up and drop offs, actually to the point where they used to meet half way in the town centre to drop us off (WTAF?!).
I didn't notice at the time, but as an adult I can clearly remember nasty arguements between my parents from as young as 3 years old. Please don't let any of your issues as adults be shown in front of DD, she is seeing, hearing and feeling a lot more than she'll ever let on, probably to keep the peace for her stressed parents. Rebelling as a teenager will be much worse if she has ammunition against you both that she has learnt from you!

I know it's bloody difficult, but take a step back and look at the bigger picture for the little one. I really wish you all the best.

Your partner needs to accept that as a step parent his life will be impacted by your Ex and his role should be to support you and help.
When I first met my husband his ex would change contact last minute by cancelling her contact time. Lots of our plans got cancelled just as we were due to drop him off because suddenly he had his son to look after.
This was obviously frustrating and difficult but it’s part of being a step parent so I supported my partner- I did not moan at him to sort out his ex.
It doesn’t sound like your partner is ready to be a step parent- it can be a thankless role with lots of things out of your control but he needs to accept that. Putting pressure on you is not going to help.

Sorry that should say isn’t ready to be a step parent

I'm a step mum to now adult children.

I stayed out of contact arrangements completely. It was nothing to do with me really. The contact was arranged through court & was stuck to by both parties generally. With a small amount of swapping etc to suit things like family occasions.

I absolutely felt like part of my life was dictated by the contact arrangements & bits & bobs over the years were annoying & I quietly gritted my teeth more times than I can remember but that's part of the deal when your partner already has children!

I would be telling your partner that this is how life is & is likely to be for some time - many years in fact, depending on the age of your dd.

Contact arrangements need to be made between you & your ex for the benefit of your dd. They have nothing to do with your partner & if he/she can't see that then I'd suggest taking a step back in the relationship.

I'll be honest and say he might not be up to the role of a step parent. This is nothing against him but this is how it's going to be until your DD is 20. He needs to be honest if he can do this as it's always going to be like this. I've only another 9 years to go - I've done 9 already so I'm halfway there. My friends are astounded at my relaxed attitude but it's the only way to cope by accepting there are things you can't control and concentrate on the things you can.

He needs to get a grip, putting it kindly. My personal life and work life are completely dictated by the care of my kids who's dad refuses to see them (bet my DP didn't bank on never getting a night off from kids at any point ever but he's just glad that even if their own father can't show them consistency, he can and would never dream of complaining) and the care of a teenage DSS who's mum has decided that although she could help out with drop offs etc, and be more flexible with access days she just doesn't want to. DSS lives and goes to school 20 miles away and we have him mid week for 3 weeks out of 4. There is a lot of running around to do, it's really stressful at times. But I wouldn't dream of trying to tell my DP that he should only have his kid of a 'weekend etc', bloody hell.

With all due respect, you need to tell your DP to back off, your access arrangements have nothing to do with him. He has only lived with you for 2 months, if he is reacting like this now he isn't cut out for the long run because it's bloody rough going at times. Your DP has no say on how and when your ex has his child, that's between you and him and/or the courts. He isn't helping by whinging at you causing you stress. He dictates his own life, not your ex and if he isn't happy with it remind him he is free to move on.

I'm inferring your new partner is female. Except from wanting you to drop/pick up for contact, how else is your exh controlling the situation? Your new partner seems a tad needy, and this seems more about them than about you and your daughter. How old is she? How do you feel about the proposed changes? Do they work for you? At this stage, your feelings and your daughters trump new partner.

I too think the partner is female which is neither here nor there except that I can imagine what is an already difficult situation for a child to cope with is then made a little harder by the shift from one family set up (mum and dad) to another (mum and mum).

I have also read back @Nj1208 and you stated the divorce started out amicable which tells me it is now not so much because your new partner sounds like she has an issue with most things related to your ex-husband and that in itself is very controlling. You do need to put your foot, down with the new partner! She absolutely needs to back off regarding anything to do with contact between your child and her father because ultimately it is your child who will suffer if that is not already the case.

Family breakdowns happen all the time, as adults we have a duty of care to put our children first no matter what. They already feel de-stabilised because their unit is no longer what it was and it is critically important, especially when they're not babies toddlers but older meaning they have a better understanding, to ensure that their emotional needs are being taken care of at every turn, not the needs of what sounds to be quite a whiney (she's in tears over this!) grown woman.

Your partner needs to get a grip, take a firm step back and be supportive. You need to not be afraid of your relationship working meaning you pander to your partner and be more concerned about a healthy relationship between you and your ex as co-parents and the child that THE TWO of you share.

I can’t see anywhere how old your daughter is but there’s clearly been a big change in her life as you’ve said above that your new partner is a female. Although your partner feels her time with your DD is dictated by your ex he is her father and that relationship should come above any relationship with a step parent and I’m speaking as a step parent myself. It’s not his job I’m afraid to make sure your new partner gets the time they want with his child and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. You need to be clear about who benefits from the proposed changes to their routine - if it isn’t your daughter then why are you suggesting the changes? If it’s because your partner wants them then I’m afraid you’re prioritising the wrong person here. If you’re a bit more open with details you might get better advice though.

I’m a step parent and have been for a decade.
For us things go far more smoothly if I completely detach from any contact arrangements. They are not my children, they’re my DP’s. I make plans according to a pre-agreed schedule and if things change then that’s my DPs problem to deal with, not mine.
My advice for you is to sit down with your ex (who you recently got along with and you loved deeply at one point in time) and talk through what you both think is right for your shared child. Then write it down and stick to it with an agreement to review at a specific point in time e.g in her last year at primary school. If you can’t do this together look for a decent mediator who specialises in family disputes to help you.
Partners and step parents come and go. They don’t have any responsibilities to the children that aren’t theirs. Parents are permanent and they should do everything they possibly can to work together in their child’s best interests.

OP. I've been with my new partner about the same amount of time. My ex doesn't see our youngest at all, and when he did, he dicked us around. I also have a growling teen.

We don't live together but DP has to put up with a lot due to my circumstances with ex. He takes it in his stride, dodges round the teen and is lovely with my daughter. We make plans together that fit around that, and he works his life around that without complaint. I know he's ready to move in with us but has signed another years lease on his own place as my circumstances don't allow it (growling teen)

And he takes it in his stride and doesn't put any pressure on me. That's how it should be.

Agree with above, you need to work out what's best for your DC, then you, then DP.