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Wife does not love me / feels different

7 replies

FamilyMan75 · 20/01/2019 10:53

Hello all, can I please have some HELP! My wife has just told me she does not love me / feel the same and I'm heartbroken.

We've been together for 8 years / married for 3 and have 2 wonderful children. The first 5 years were the happiest of my life but will openly admit the last 3 have been difficult. This was about the same time financially we had to start working opposite shifts (never get the same day off) and our youngest started showing signs of autism. Don't get me wrong, we collectivity adore our kids and would not change them, but presents new challenges to face. We would both admit supporting out youngest can be an exhausting task.

As for my wife & I, this is also when the relationship started to change. I in nature are very open and find it healthy to talk, (possibly too much) while my wife is the complete opposite. This has caused stress and frustration both sides.

Well over a year ago it's was becoming more apparent my wife was not happy & I was trying anything to alter it. I work long hours, the kids present challenges (hyperactivity) & ultimately we are never together to share the weight. My wife also periodically show signs of anxiety /depression (which she has battled before we were together). I pleaded with her to see a doc / counselling or even confined in her parents but she did not want this. This causes frustration in me (my worst traits - among others) and only worsen the situation. However we said we would make it work - but honestly believe we didn't really make the investment.

I / we suggested "date nights" etc - but all that really resulted in was sitting at home at the dinner table. We have not had a night without the kids in 5yrs and only managed two nights out last year. This is the complete opposite of the 1st 5yrs. As we spend so little time together - when we do the pressure just ruins it from the start.

All I know is she does not love me - but don't know what she wants to do. This is killing me. I admit I'm far from perfect but Invested in this for the long term! Personally I'm scared I may be the casualty from what is a combination of wider factors.

We are a few week don't the line and we are being civil. She has finally spoken to someone and counselling should follow. I wanted relationship counselling - but think it might be impossible to do both at the same time?? I have good & bad days, it's the limbo that is effecting my health.

Apologies for the length of the above, but it's my life. I love my kids and wife sincerely.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 20/01/2019 13:42

Sound really hard situation you have there. Is there absolutely no way you can make changes so you can have some time free to be together?

How happy are you within yourself? Do you feel good about yourself? Spring in your step, confidence etc? If not, it's about the only thing you can change and will make you more attractive to her which is where the love stems from, as it sounds like you're supporting her as much as you can outside of that.

FamilyMan75 · 20/01/2019 15:06

Thanks Pete. It's hard.

I'm trying what you said but it does knock your self esteem. I'm trying to remain positive & hopeful but it's getting the balance between fighting to save something of pushing someone away.

As she now talking to someone it feels it's more to deal with the aftermath rather than a fix.

It's just difficult when a person only says what they don't want - but now what they do.

OP posts:
Otter71 · 27/01/2019 22:02

Has she explained more than that simple statement? I have just come out of a relationship where I had said that repeatedly. My stbxh usedit as evidence of my being autistic. Not convinced by that but the root cause was almost certainly feeling controlled and having lost all trust in my own judgement in home situations. It was only once I realized I could trust my judgement elsewhere that I realized that the problem wasn't just with me. Admittedly it probably took help from a good old friend to see it. I am sure this isn't the reason with your partner but there will be one that goes a lot deeper than that simple statement. Try to find time to discuss it and you will know your next step.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 28/01/2019 00:42

Lack of together time will take its toll on most marriages. I worked away in dangerous locations and money was no object, but the marriage ended in Divorce as we drifted apart due to my prolonged absences from the family home.

Friends of mine have autistic son and they seem to manage, but maybe there are varying levels of autism and some require more attention than others? Are there no benefits/help available for children with special needs?

Hope it works out.

Good luck

m0vinf0rward · 28/01/2019 06:31

Strangers in the night syndrome. Not uncommon when you never get to spend anytime together. You probably both feel a bit like single parents in a way. Only solution is to realign your work patterns and try to get out without the kids and rediscover each other. However it maybe too late, the damage is already done, depends if she is willing to put in the effort to try and save the marriage. If you were a woman posting here I'm sure there would be crystal of other women, but to me it doesn't sound like there is someone else in this're both just exhausted. However that being said.... always keep an eye out for changes in behaviour and early signs of her having her head turned.

m0vinf0rward · 28/01/2019 06:32

Cry not crystal.....bloody auto complete on the phone 😂

FamilyMan75 · 29/01/2019 10:11

Thanks for the updates

MTBA - thanks for your comment. As we talk I do think the time apart has definitely caused some damage. She's just told me of her feeing of loneliness.

MovingF - thanks - you hit the nail on the head! It does feel like I do live the life of a single parent and it's not the way I wanted it. I had a great upbringing and my folks are still together since their teens into the 70s and that all I ever wanted for the wife & the kids.

Emotional damage has been done (both sides) and again question is it too late. I just wish friends / family would knock our heads together to say what are you doing!!!

She feels depressed and lonely and all I want to do is help. I started counselling yesterday to aid this.

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