Hi everyone,
I usually only post in the litter tray, but could do with some advice on something a little less cute and fluffy. Sorry for the length.
Mum's husband had an affair and - after he was vile to mum for a week after she found out at the end of Oct - he left. Moved in with a friend, came back, stormed out a couple of days later to be with the OW.
Mum hasn't really accepted it, and seems to lurch from getting a divorce to begging him to come back. Understandably, it will all take time. She has seen a doctor who put her on anti-depressants, and my sister and I are encouraging her to see a councellor (we lost our grandma / her mum last year, which unearthed a lot of past trauma for her). We finally seemed to have made progress here, and she told us she was booking a session.
My sister and I were quite close with the husband - despite not growing up with him, and from the start we were encouraged to look to him as a father figure. So we have been hit by it, too. We are both furious with him for what he has done, and the way he has behaved towards our mum since (bullying, nasty messages etc). We both let him know our feelings via email (basically to back off, leave mum alone - not an attack on him) which caused a big fall out between us and mum - she said we would stop him coming back. (The man isn't coming back.)
Despite all this, we are spending as much time as possible with mum, constantly checking in with her etc. She keeps mentioning that we contacted him, in a way that feels like she's blaming us for him not coming back - "he thinks you hate him" - and then blaming herself for his shitty actions - "i've been through menopause, nana was really sick etc". It's putting a lot of strain on our relationship. In the meantime, a mutual friend of her and STBXH keeps emailing / calling him to give him a piece of her mind, sending photographs of group holidays they've been on, telling him to go back to my mum etc. She's not being told off, in fact her actions are being praised.
Last week mum saw her husband, and he told her he planned to buy a flat and a house abroad with the OW, but he wasn't ready to divorce yet. Mum again begged him to come back, said she was going to see a councellor. And he said she didn't need to see a councellor. I'm so angry that we had managed to get her that far, and he's barged in and told her she doesn't need to see the councellor. WTF does he know?!
First of all, it feels like we're going round in circles with mum - I'm doing everything I can to be there for her, taking the "he thinks you hate him" stuff and all the other snipping that she is doing on the chin, but she keeps putting her hand back in the fire. I feel like I'm not allowed to call this d*ck out on his behaviour, as I get told off. I just don't know what to do for the best. I want to be there for mum. Does anyone have any advice on how to best deal with this?
And secondly, on the practical side. This man is not short of money, but I don't trust him not to screw mum over. She doesn't have any visibility over finances, other than that they both own the house. As far as I'm aware, their assets should be split 50/50 (no children together). But with all this talk of him buying flats and houses, and "not yet wanting a divorce" I feel mum should take some steps to protect her interests.
Thank you for reading trough to the end...no mean feat!