Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Desperately worried

24 replies

Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 20:43

Hi,

Before I start I would like to say that I am a doting mother and do not have a drink problem. But I am extremely worried about a few instances that happened a year or so back.

I am the kind of mother who lives for her child, never wanted to spend any time away from her etc, always worried about illnesses to the point where at one point, I was back and fore the doctors for every lump, bump or illness. People have always called me overprotective when it comes to my daughter who is now 5.

Last year I had two episodes where I had a few glasses of wine in the house in the afternoon before her dad (my soon to be ex husband) picked her up. This is not something I usually did and never alone. For some reason, these drinks affected me badly and I ended up very drunk and asleep when her dad arrived to collect her. My daughter was absolutely fine and I had been fine all afternoon up until the end. I told the doctor it happened, and on both occasions, I was terrified of appearing like a bad mother and what could have happened to my little girl who is my world. The doctor said I may have had a bad reaction to the alcohol due to a viral infection perhaps. They reassured me that I wasn’t a terrible mother and to stop worrying.

Anyway, the last time it happened it decided to stop drinking altogether at the risk of it ever happening again. I have never been good on alcohol and these instances frightened me to the core with my daughter.

My husband took pictures of me drunk when he arrived to pick up our daughter and threatened Going for full custody. However, since talking about it, he ageeed that my daughter was best in my care full time with him seeing her twice a week as per what we agreed when we separated.

No instances have happened since. I haven’t drunk a single drop of alcohol and my daughter, as she always has been, is the centre or my world, she is thriving at school and in all of her extra activities. We are currently living with my new partner who I have been with for a year and a half and my soon to be ex husband has always been happy with the set up.

However, he has just found out that I am not going to be agreeing to his settlement proposal for the divorce and has accused me of lying when I said I had plans with my daughter last weekend so that I could spend a full weekend with her ( he usually has her every Saturday night and I want to swap to alternate weekends so that I can spend a full weekend with her). So to summarise, we are not getting on for various circumstantial reasons regarding the divorce and child areangments.

Yesterday, during a dispute over text from his part about areangments, he has said he has a log of every time I act unreasonable in regards to our daughter and referred back to the drinking episodes. I am now besides myself with worry and panic that he will try and use this to apply for full custody, even though he would struggle to even have her for a full weekend at the moment.

My sister who used to work in a social service role, has reassured me that it takes a lot more than what happened for a child to be given custody with their father and that he would have needed to report it at the time etc.

I guess ( well I know) that I am looking for further reassurance here. Please don’t flame me. I have hated myself for these episodes since the happened

OP posts:
Spero · 07/01/2019 20:47

If it was a few instances over a year ago then you have nothing to worry about. Call his bluff. If he was that worried why has he left a small child with a dangerous alcoholic all this time and done nothing? Don't worry. He's a dick.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 20:50

He doesn't want her, so why the concern.

But I'm sorry are you saying you were passed out drunk alone in charge of your small child?

Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 20:50

Thank you so much. That’s what my family are telling me. What he says is rediculous! Anyone who knows me knows what a doting mother I am - the only Cristicism I’ve ever had is for being too over protective of her. I’m not claiming to be the worlds best mother, I’m just trying to convey a true picture here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 20:53

I wasn’t passed out no. I had my daughter all day and had been to the hairdressers with her. The drink had affected me and caused me to be groggy and sleepy. I wasn’t in the house with the aim of getting drunk

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 20:55

He has his routine with her but it wouldn’t be practical for him to have her on a full time basis anyway, he works, he lives 40 minutes away and can barely get his head around the idea of having her alternative weekends (he says is impractical)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 20:56

Ok have it your way but in your op you state you were very drunk. So asleep, passed out call it whatever, but being in sole charge of a small child and wankered after drinking a few glasses of wine in the afternoon is appalling. Anything could have happened. You're lucky it didn't,

And I make no apologies for stating it. So please, stop with the mother Teresa act. He won't go for her full time, as he does not want her, but I can only hope this behaviour has now stopped.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 20:57

Like i said, I went to the gp myself after these instances happened and haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since. I won’t again either. It really shook me up how it could affect me like that. So I became totally alcohol free following the most recent incident out of the two

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 21:01

Ok fair enough. Them you've nothing to worry about, you've got yourself straight and he doesn't want her, he is just trying to threaten you

Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 21:07

Yes. Like I said, I never had a problem with drink - these weee a couple of instances. I’m just worried that he will change his mind about wanting her full time as he is annoyed with me about child care areangments and divorce and use that against me. Everything else with my daughter is perfect and always has been. Never been any issues

OP posts:
Love2all2017 · 07/01/2019 22:20

Please don't worry, from what I've heard, even in circumstances where parents and households are extremely questionable, social services do not remove them from parents. The odd weird reaction to drink, plus your ex continuing to leave your daughter in your care knowing this, i would say is more questionable to him, rather than to you. He's p'd about the settlement and I bet if that was negotiated to what he wanted, this would disappear. But don't let him threaten or scare you. Do what you feel is right for your little girl. Best of luck x

Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 22:27

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. This has eaten me up since it happened and now with his “log” of information, I am besides myself with worry. I would rather my world collapse around me than even the thought of her having residency with her dad. She is my world.

Yes it was just the few occasions. And I agree with you - if he was concerned, why has he only seen her twice a week for a year and a half? I have taken her abroad without him, on various holidays, he has gone abroad to America with his panther , it’s hardly an indication that he has been worried for her safety. I worry about everything when it comes to my daughter as we all do as parents.

Everything I do at the moment he croticises

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/01/2019 22:28

Apologies for the typos - working at the same time :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/01/2019 11:56

Are there any other opinions on this? I am still so desperately worried. Thank you

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 08/01/2019 12:13

You sound very anxious OP.

I would suggest that you think of how you can counter his arguments (should he even bother to make them). Change your focus - at the moment, it is all about him.

So, take a pen and paper, and make a note of when he has had DD, all the times you have taken DD away, all the things you do with DD. Keep a record yourself.

You are concentrating on his criticisms of you - which will feed into your self-worth. Instead, concentrate on what you can actually do to be as prepared as possible with your case.

You do sound overly anxious about your DD, you make a lot of references to "worrying about everything". Something isn't sitting right with me about that - are you a very anxious person?

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/01/2019 12:19

Thank you. I am just desperately worried that if he tries to go for custody (which he hasn’t said he is) he would win it because of these instances. Even though everything else has been absolutely fine.

Yes, I am an anxious person on times. I used to have bad anxiety and worry about a lot of things when it came to my daughter but over the last year or so, these have faded. It is only this issue that I am worried about at the moment. I am thinking of the worst case scenario. He is picking our daughter up tonight for her overnight stay at his so perhaps I can have a chat with him then.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 08/01/2019 13:30

Ok. So he hasn't said he wants to go for custody? You seem to have built this up into a huge fear, which may be unfounded. Have you taken any proper advice from a lawyer/social worker/parenting expert who might be able to reassure you?

It sounds like you have created a huge "worry tree" made up of loads of branches that all begin with "what if"s. The tree isn't serving you or doing you any good - it is feeding your anxiety. There is a famous saying - worrying is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere".

Most of the things we worry about never happen. But sometimes we can actually make them happen by worrying about them so much.

If you chat with your ex tonight, what would you talk about? Why put ideas into his head? Don't push the buttons. Instead, concentrate on being the best mum you can be, on being level-headed, civil, polite. Imagine you are putting on a Teflon suit, and imagine yourself breathing out a big protective bubble, so that anything he says just bounces off. Wear clothes that make you feel and look confident.

When the worries come back into your mind, notice, and then refocus your mind elsewhere. Ask yourself a better question - eg. what can I do to help myself with this situation? what can I do right now to make this feel better?

And in the meantime, build up your own log of everything.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/01/2019 13:47

Ok thanks. No, he hasn’t said he is going to try for custody. But he has said that he has a log of everything ge findable unreasonable in regards to his access to our daughter and he has shown me messages that he has logged from the drinking incidents. So I worry that this log is to use to go for custody. We have always agreed that my daughter is best with me, but I have been frightened that he would do this from the times it happened. But my family say that if he was concerned and was to use this, he would have had to do it at the time

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/01/2019 13:55

Honestly, the court would be very unlikely to pay much attention to his allegations. For a start, you just point out that if he was so worried why didn't he do anything about it before?

EOW rather than a day every weekend is an arrangement that works for a lot of people because it gives your child the opportunity to do more with the weekends so YANBU.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/01/2019 15:30

Ok thank you. My family have told me that my drinking would need tone an ongoing problem for the courts to use it, not unique instances like what happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 09/01/2019 10:16

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? Struggling with the anxiety of all of this. My ex partners girfriend came to the door to collect my daughter last night for his overnight stay with her while he waited in the car as he is “beyond annoyed” that I am not agreeing to his proposed settlement and that I have suggested mediation as a way to compromise over my daughter routine. She said “he is preparing for court if it goes that far” and would recommend that I give him space over the next few days and communicate through her. She has asked if we can come to some sort of compromise for my daughter routine as their current living set up doesn’t suit full weekend stays at the moment. I understand this but I fear my ex husband is so annoyed that he will take me straight to court

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 09/01/2019 10:30

For it to go to court he would need to see a mediator to sign a form to say he didn't want to do mediation anyway. The mediator will encourage mediation at that meeting.

If it does go to court it's not the end of the world. The drinking thing is pretty irrelevant so don't get wound up about that. No one can say how it would go for sure but there is a good argument to do EOW rather than every weekend. You just need to be careful to do everything right. Don't stop contact or change plans at short notice. Make sure everything is about what's best for your child and not for you. If he goes in talking about what suits him it won't go down well.

Would it be worth speaking to your GP about your anxiety do you think?

Original poster
Nj1208 · 09/01/2019 10:50

Yes it is the drinking thing that is worrying me the most. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t be as worried

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 09/01/2019 11:03

Think about it logically. What has him seeing you had a couple of drinks some time ago got to do with not changing from every weekend to EOW? The court won't be interested. Cafcass will speak to you both before court and if they don't think there's a safeguarding issue it doesn't matter. If there hasn't been SS or police involvement it doesn't generally meet the threshold to raise concerns.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 09/01/2019 11:05

No nothing like that ever came of it. It has always been agreed that my daughter is best in my care full time with arranged days for her father to see her for overnight stays. But every time I annoy him over other things (such as the divorce settlement or plans for daughter) he seems to bring it up as if he has it over me that he could take her if he wanted to. Like I said, everyone else tell me he can’t but I do worry tremendously

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page