I think my ex-fiancé gaslighted me and I suspect he's doing it still. He's behaving in more and more of an unreasonable way yet insisting I am at fault as time goes on. It's doing my head in, I'm finding it hard to know what is right and whether I'm as horrible as he makes me out to be. I would be so grateful if anyone reads this and offers help!
background
My ex-fiancé & I were together 19 years. We have four dc together. Three of those dc have ASD so it's bloody hard parenting them. It had been a struggle for several years, I no longer loved him but didn't know why and he kept insisting we try again and again. I often felt puzzled about being the 'bad guy' all the time when that didn't feel like me. He would often sulk for days (even with the kids) if he was unhappy about something. This was down to me. If I didn't react the way he thought I should react to something, he would lecture me and treat me as though I was weird and wrong. He would often say things to friends and family designed specifically to embarrass me, even when I begged him not to. If I didn't find this funny he would say I had no sense of humour. Is this gaslighting?
Splitting up
Fast forward to Dec 17, when he suddenly announced he wanted out. This was six months after I had been made redundant (a long and stressful period) and I was working freelance & earning less money than I had in 20 years. So I was at my lowest point (I thought). He was miserable, I was secretly jubilant. We discussed in a grown-up way how to handle the sale of the house, access to the kids etc. We agreed he would stay in the house for a few months, we wouldn't tell the kids for a few months, we wouldn't put the house up for sale for months after that to give them time. And that we would live near each other to make things easier for the kids (at least for a couple of years).
Breaks all of his promises
He told two of our kids without notice, forcing me to tell the other two sooner than we had agreed. He plagued me about putting the house on the market straight after we'd told them - dozens of texts daily. He decided he was moving out, earlier than we'd agreed. He opted to move to a town 25 mins drive away. His girlfriend lived in the town (he announced both at the same time). The town is twice as expensive as near the family home so he's paying a lot in rent.
A month after moving in, he disowned the family dog, saying he never wanted one. He wouldn't pay towards him or have him beyond an occasional overnight. He told the kids I should get rid of the dog. They all dote on the (admittedly troublesome but lovely) dog. A few more weeks - he wants to tell kids about his girlfriend, introduce her to them and her 3 kids in one weekend. My younger kids at that point are having counselling as they're not coping. I plead with him, the counsellor pleads with him to wait. He waits a week and does it anyway. He got engaged to her in the summer and is planning the wedding and to move in with her.
Gaslighting?
He denies or ignores any suggestion that he's not kept promises or behaved badly. Simply glosses over it or tells me off for insulting him. Or 'get over it'. When I asked him to have the kids a day earlier so I could do a work trip (I've covered all of his) he asked me to drive them to his engagement party and then pick them up again later that night. I refused because it would make me uncomfortable. He asked again and again and again although he often refuses to do things with the kids or at the home we still own because they make him uncomfortable.
He will have a go at me for something to do with the kids and then when it's clear that I actually had provided the info etc he just glosses over it. Expects me to be grateful he's paying half the mortgage (his legal obligation). Tells the kids I have loads of time on my hands and suggests I am lazy to them. I only work 'part-time' so I should have loads of time. He has them two nights each week, but different days - wed/thurs one week weekend one week .
This week's drama
This week I organised for my daughter to start rehearsals on a Sunday afternoon. He hit the roof as I hadn't consulted with him. He has her every other Sunday. The play is on in March so it's really only a few Sunday's. He's already refused to allow her attend her art classes on the days she's with him as it's too much hassle. She was doing this before we split. He says I shouldn't dictate what he does with kids on his days. But essentially he's dictating what they do on my days? The way it works out there are only two days a week I am free to have them do a weekly activity. e came up with the access schedule BEFORE I knew where he would be living.
I am finding this access schedule really inflexible and it's affecting my life and theirs. So I suggested we talk about changing it. I explained why. I came up with two options. He refused both with no explanation. He then decided to alter the drop-offs and pick-ups without any discussion. W
He was due to pick up the kids tonight for the weekend. He said this morning he wouldn't although had agreed yesterday what time. Said I had to take them (it's a 45-min round trip). I said I had something on (I did). He has been calling me selfish and lazy and accusing me of all sorts of lies all day because I said no, I'm not taking the kids to you. I said I will discuss it along with the access schedule. He's beyond furious with me. I've had to block him and explain to the kids that they're not seeing their dad this weekend because he won't get them and I won't be pushed around.
How do I deal with him?
Could someone please explain to me what this man is on about and how to understand what he's playing at? I'm trying hard to be grey rock but he is getting so unreasonable it's impossible to get sense from him. How am I meant to deal with this person and how do I get past the fact that he's done this shit for me for nineteen bloody years and made me think I was the horrible one. Made me think I was a psycho - called me a psycho in fact. A lot.
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Divorce/separation
Help me understand X-DP's behaviour
accessorizequeen · 04/01/2019 23:46
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand as I have been through something similar myself. I will try to answer some of your questions, but I am not an expert, except when it comes to dealing the the narcopath I married, but hopefully some of it will help.
He would often sulk for days (even with the kids) if he was unhappy about something
This silent treatment is typical of a sociopath, it is his way of punishing those around him. It is not your fault, but it is also not gaslighting. However it does come under the general umbrella of sociopathy.
If I didn't react the way he thought I should react to something, he would lecture me and treat me as though I was weird and wrong
Actually it's him that's weird and wrong. You are allowed to react in any way that is right for you. Yes, this is part of the gaslighters ethos - and it worked because it made you feel at fault even when you weren't.
He would often say things to friends and family designed specifically to embarrass me, even when I begged him not to. If I didn't find this funny he would say I had no sense of humour. Is this gaslighting?
Yes - again designed to make you doubt your self and continually question your own behaviour.
Breaks all of his promises
Again, typical sociopathic behaviour. Promises something which he has no intention of following through. He keeps dangling the carrot to keep you with him.
My younger kids at that point are having counselling as they're not coping. I plead with him, the counsellor pleads with him to wait. He waits a week and does it anyway
Sorry to say this but this is about him, not you or the children. Everything revolves around what he wants. He will only ever do things that suit his own agenda. Well done though for acknowledging that your children needed help. 
It's hard on them but with the right support they will come out the other end.
He denies or ignores any suggestion that he's not kept promises or behaved badly. Simply glosses over it or tells me off for insulting him
He's projecting his bad behaviour back onto you. You are a bad person for trying to make him accept his broken promises or bad behaviour. Mine told me I was being rude for calling him a liar. This was whilst he was looking at irrefutable proof that he had lied. Better to sling some mud back at us than deal with their own disgusting behaviour
Expects me to be grateful he's paying half the mortgage
In his head you should be grateful. He's pissed off that he's spending money on something not purely for his own benefit. I wouldn't thank him for meeting his obligations. As an aside, mine is so annoyed he's demanding that the mortgage payments for the last 10 years are returned to him. That really made me laugh.
Tells the kids I have loads of time on my hands and suggests I am lazy to them
This is part of the smear campaign. This is normal. The kids will make up their own minds on this one. I would not even give that thought head space to be honest (I would have a year ago, but I'm recovering from 30 years of this behaviour and slowly the light is starting to come through into my life).
He's already refused to allow her attend her art classes on the days she's with him as it's too much hassle
He is not child focussed. He appears to be self absorbed. This will not stand him in good stead for the future. This is not your problem, it is his. I do get that you're annoyed for your daughter, but again, she will soon make up her own mind about him if it becomes obvious that he will not let her do normal activities.#
He's beyond furious with me
Because you have stood up for yourself and your children. Well done.
Could someone please explain to me what this man is on about and how to understand what he's playing at?
This is the real crux of the matter. Stop trying to understand what he's playing at. You are wasting your valuable head space and whilst he's still in there, messing with your head, you are losing another little piece of yourself.
This is really easy to say (write) but I know that it's incredibly hard to do because I've been in the same position.
You cannot apply logic or reason to this type of behaviour. Your grey rock method will help to a degree, but that's what he sees on the outside. He's still in your head and you are thinking of all the things he's done and said to make you feel like you're the crazy one.
In effect you are shooting yourself with the same bullet over and over... And this needs to stop.
Acceptance is part of the healing process and once you accept that he's the crazy one, that will lighten your load.
Can you find some time and money to have some counselling yourself? It really helped me, although I've been weekly for a year now so it's been a long haul. However, my counsellor told me last week that a year ago I was 95% broken and now he thinks I am only 50% broken. It takes a long time to recover from this kind of emotional abuse but you can do it. Do what is best for you and your children.
If that means that you will no longer facilitate his manipulations, then that's the way it has to be. Your children do not need to learn that manipulation will get you want you want.
If I've written anything that comes across as harsh, I do apologise. But I really hope some of this helps a little. xx
I still feel in my heart that because he wasn't abusive or coercive that I'm being dramatic. He was on the surface, a good guy. I felt guilty for five years at wanting to split because I believed this. If that makes sense.
It does make sense but you do know that he has been abusive and coercive don't you? Just because it was subtle, it does not mean that it is any less damaging, especially over a long period of time. In fact it's more damaging because by the time you realise who this person actually is, you are already psychologically damaged.
You think you're being dramatic because that's the way he has conditioned you to think.
He may have been a good guy on the surface but in reality what is on the surface is less important than what's underneath.
It does sound like you have spent quite some time beating yourself up because you feel guilty and god knows I do understand this. But, you are not responsible for his decision making process. Give yourself a break and concentrate on your own well being and that of the children.
It may take some counselling to help me to see that he has been abusive and coercive as I can't quite see it now. Yes I can see that he is just crazy person now because he's behaving like one but it's hard for me to see the control he exerts over me & has done for years - it's not the life I thought I had nor the person I thought I was. I often double check with friends or family if what he's said or done is unreasonable. I know my judgement has been affected. My kids are taking number 1 priority for me and I will fight for what they need even if that means going to war with him. Which, as he's now threatened court and is refusing to discuss access, seems likely!
Thank you all! 
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