Couples Therapy - or just seperate?

[Newmummy20181]

Just looking for some advice.. I have done some posts before.

My partner and I have a 10 week old daughter, since having her he has been very little help with her or with the house in general, speaking to me disrespectfully (which he did before she arrived) and also disrespectfully to her (calling her little shit, or saying shut up blood etc)!

On top of this we initially agreed to move back to my home town 40miles away as it is where I work, my family is still there and is where we met.. now he has said it would be a ballache for him to commute (travel times are the same) and is now getting his family involved in convincing me to stay here but in a very manipulative way! Put it this way over the past 5years of been together I’ve scarficed a lot in order to keep the relationship going especially when he decided to move from my home town where we originally met. I did at the time suggest we brought a home together but he just avoided the subject and subsequently ‘our’ home is legally just ‘his’ home.

I’m now at a point where I’m in tears seriously considering leaving him, if it wasn’t for our daughter I’d be long gone.. but we do share her so I just wanted some advice on whether I should try seek couples therapy or should I just leave him? I worry that I’m been naive and think he’ll change when he has proven time again that he won’t but I just want to do best by my little girl, she deserves to be happy

Sorry OP.

I think that fact he is swearing about or directed his bad language to a 10 week baby is a massive red flag.

He called your child a shit?

Repeat that back and let it sink in. Sorry that isn't right

I know that babies can be all exhausting but if he is being abusive by swearing or directing verbal abuse at a baby which will also only upset you then I would leave.

He should not be putting you under anymore pressure than you are already under.

I hope you can get support from your family and separate and eventually get your independence back.

You and your baby don't deserve this.

You deserve better.

Please don't stay.

Can you afford both?
So you can get your head straight but also have therapy to sort out the relationship?

Look at the evidence, he is not fully committed even though you have a baby-he should be wanting to do what's best for his family and instead he can't really be bothered.
At least if you were on your own you can do things your way rather than trying to get him to step up to the job.

Couples therapy and mediation aren't designed for situations like this where one party is being bullied and manipulated by the other.

It might be better to work out how to live separately without telling him in advance tbh.

I can tell he isn’t fully committed which is why I wondered about therapy.. ask for how he speaks to DD that is the reason why I’m thinking just leave but don’t know if I’m just been oversensitive.. even with feeling like I’m been manipulated by him and his family I don’t know if I’m just sensitive and hormonal. For example:

Yesterday his aunt told me that I need to go see my partners nan because she had said she wanted to see ‘her’ baby (bear in mind she has seen Dd 3 times since her birth so once a month) at which point I had to say my nan has only seen her once.. and as close as my nan and I are she doesn’t demand to see DD she knows I am busy settling in to been a mum, in a new area and further away from her. My partner said but your sisters see DD all the time.. which they do, they travel the 40miles to come spend time with us and support me.. after DD was born they would come up help cook dinner while I was looking after little one just been really good sisters. His family live around the corner and have only been to the house once - basically they don’t care to support me they just want hugs! I really get the feeling my partner hates how close my sisters and I are and like he is basically saying to stop seeing them as much.

OP with your own supportive family around you then I would seriously consider leaving - you don't need to tell your partner yet but spend this time getting all your ducks in a row.

There are too many red flags - do not let this man isolate you from your family.

I hope, things have become much easier for you soon. Take care.

At the moment save your energy for yourself and baby your tears and indecisiveness is due to your hormones.by the way congratulations.
You know it’s over but thank heavens you have family .I don’t know if your in rented or your own place.Why don’t you tell him your going to your family for awhile that will give you space and time to get your ducks in order as formally advised don’t be like me now in my 50s.just filed for a divorce I knew to do it 11 years ago,

Agree with PP, he does not treat either of you with kindness and respect.
Get your ducks in s row in preparation for leaving.
See a counsellor if you feel the need, this may help you see what is important to you.

Sort out leaving him without telling him

Get all your ducks in a row, finances, living arrangements etc

Then get away from him

And his family

So I was wondering couple OH stop me from moving 40 miles away with DD?

I certainly wouldn’t ever stop him from seeing DD, for either one of their sakes.. but I worry that if he gets nasty and wants to take me to court that he'll request overnights stays or 50/50 contact. I’m not opposed to the overnight stays when she is a bit older (I am thinking 12-18 months) as right now I am bf don’t think it would work she is already having a hard time going onto the bottle (by hard time I mean flat out refusing) so the only way I can see this going is him stopping me from going even though I wouldn’t be able to rent here.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of situation or know anyone that does?

Hey newmummy. No one can stop you moving 40 miles isn't a huge distance to travel for your partner to see his child. And I'm also pretty sure no one could force you to let baby stay overnight-Just say no. Really sorry your going through this, I hope you get help your after. Perhaps call your family and I'm sure they will help you out

Hi from what you have said I think that you must leave him now. It maybe scary but trust me it will be easier now rather than in a few years time.
I stuck at my marriage for 10 years for the sake of the kids and have done them no favours!! Actually it's worse now than it would have been year's ago.
He can't stop you moving away especially if it's to be nearer your family and I wouldn't let him have the baby over night, she needs her mum.
Hope it all works out for you x

I am going to have the ‘talk’ with him tomorrow.. wanted to get Christmas out the way and he has been getting home when DD is in bed so if he kicks off I don’t want her woken up by shouting, not that been awake with shouting is any better but maybe less of a shock!

Thank you all so much for replying, ultimately I think I have just sacrificed far too much in this relationship.. I’ve been bullied, he’s texted other women, ive travelled to keep the relationship going for years and honestly I don’t know how I put up with it.. but now I have my little girl and I think about what she deserves and realise i need to lead by example. I never wanted to be the single mum (definitely not anything wrong with being one) but I ignored way too many red flags before having DD and now I can see if I carry on it will affect my mental health!

So please wish me luck and strength to do what needs to be done, a piece of me feels guilty but he never felt guilty in all he has done so why should I.

G x