Help! Restraining order expiring - how to keep narcissist co-parent at bay

[CharleeFarley]

I have a restraining order that prevents my ex-husband - who is a controlling narcissist and has a conviction for assaulting me - from contacting me directly or indirectly. He has 35% custody of the kids, so we are forced into a tricky co-parenting situation (we currently communicate through solicitors or - for day-to-day stuff, through his mother).

The order expires in early January and I want to set some very clear ground rules for how I will communicate (i.e. written word only, by email unless urgent, and I will only reply once a week or whatever). Can anyone with experience of this suggest how I go about setting out these guidelines? Should I email it directly to him on the day the order expires? It's too late to do it through solicitors, unfortunately, since they close over Christmas.

Also, bearing in mind that I can't go full No Contact because we are co-parents, I would love some advice on how best to minimise contact with him and practise "grey rock" method in our set up.

Honestly i’d go through his mother for everything and get her to forward it along. If he’s a narcissist like you say he is he’ll find anyway to become abusive, and (just my opinion) emotional can be worse than any physical abuse you endure.

Whatever you do, I hope it goes well. Do not let him back in.

@Drawtheline14 Yeah, completely agree; the ten years of emotional abuse was way, way worse than the here-and-there physical stuff. It's really the thought of him getting control over me again that frightens me. I'm pretty sure I've done the work to make sure that will never happen again, but still. He's a scary individual.

I would rather keep it going through his mum but she's had enough of being our go-between, which is totally fair after a year. I'd like to avoid dealing with him directly, but the only other person who'd be our go-between is my partner (father of my new baby), and that just seems like a weird and potentially awkward arrangement...

Get a second phone solely for communication with him. Switch it off when he doesn’t have the kids. Block him from your main phone. Tell him it’s for solely contacting you if there’s an emergency when he has the children. This is what I had to do and it takes away the feeling of being on edge every time my phone pinged to say I had received a call/text/email etc. I got a pay as you go phone, £15 from Tesco, really basic functions but that’s all you need it for. X

Hi @CharleeFarley
I was in the same position as you - I set up a separate email address just for him and told my ex that it was the only way I was communicating with him. I also got a PAYG sim and switched that phone on when he has my dd - for emergencies.
When he sent me abusive emails / texts - I went back and got another injunction.
This went on for 2 years and he finally got the message. He now doesn't abuse me and rarely texts me as he has nothing to speak to me about anymore

@thefourgp @FinallyFree123456789 OK, this sounds like a great plan, thank you! I can pick up a cheapo phone (he's already blocked on my current phone and everywhere online), and I can set up a gmail account just for him. I'll only communicate via the written word because I want to be able to prove it if/when he gets abusive. Things have been pretty settled in the past six months, but I've no idea what to expect when I'm no longer protected by the order. It's so scary!

My ex did the same. Saying awful things/making threats then totally denying them and making out to others I was mentally unwell. It’s ridiculous we have to go to such lengths to protect ourselves. Keep a diary of any and all incidents/issues you have with him. Keep emails to an absolute need to know basis. He will say anything to try and goad you into communicating with him. It’s his way of continuing to control you and be part of your life. Do not reply unless you feel you absolutely have to and always take a good hour at least to think about what you’re sending before you send it. Good luck. X

Oh and I saved and printed off texts/email communication between us in case I ever need to show them to a solicitor or the children when they’re older. X

We used a diary that was kept in kids sch bag untill he pretty much defaced it with cross rants. It may work for you tho. There is a special site for this where all messages are monitored even tone. I can't remember what its called but if you google it its suppose to be good.

I also have a narcissistic controlling ex. I find that the best way to deal with people like this is to keep communication brief and to the point. Take all emotion out of it and keep it strictly to matters relating to the parenting of your children.
My ex constantly tries to get me to react but I never do. A reaction is what these people crave and need in order to feel in control. The most powerful thing you can do is deny him of a reaction. I am always extremely polite in my communication too. My ex is slowly getting the message as his outbursts are becoming less frequent. I suppose he'll eventually tire of trying to get to me and give in.
Stay strong and always remain the better person. You will overpower him mentally eventually x

Good advice I agree x