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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Co-parenting. How do you do it when that’s the reason for separating?

17 replies

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 07:14

H and I at the end of the road. Lots of reasons but The deal breaker for me has been a few very negative/put down comments at DC(8&6), on the background of years of disagreeing about parenting. His parents are toxic and his upbringing was completely dysfunctional. He has no reference for ‘normal’ parenting......and I know we all do it differently, but there is a broad range of ‘normal/acceptable. The only children he has ever spent any time with are ours (he is an only child, so no neices/nephews and he has no friends with kids), so he doesn’t see that most of what he classifies a ‘bad behaviour’ is completely normal (our children are very well behaved). He’s constantly telling them off for minor things (like shouting during play or having a hissy fit if they loose a game). If I’ve already told them off for something & dished out a punishment he’ll often come along and tell them off again and dish out a second punishment. He’s currently having a running nightly battle with 6 yo as 6yo wants to have a shower and H wants him to have a bath. H wins, every time. I very much have a ‘pick your battles’ approach to parenting, and certainly wouldn’t be making a big deal out of this. I can see that this is only going to escalate as DC get older. After years of pleading he eventually did parenting course over the summer - but it was online......he refused to go to a local one because he said the people who would be at it “wouldn’t be like us”. It made a tiny but positive difference. But as general rule he won’t take any advice from anyone and won’t read any books. I just feel for DC, because the 2 households they are going to end up in are going to be like 2 different worlds. I think I’ve stuck around longer than I should have done because I felt I needed to protect them from his negative parenting, but now I’m at the point where I need to go because I feel by staying I’m equally culpable. His parenting isn’t so bad that I’d ever have grounds to prevent him seeing the children......so how on earth do I navigate this. (Just for reference I had a mostly happy childhood and have lots of cousins and friends with kids. I’ve always been around children. And I’m certainly not a push over mum) There really is no common ground.

OP posts:

Awrite · 22/12/2018 07:19

I don't really see what you can do.

I imagine lots of women stay for precisely this reason.

Hopefully someone who has been through this will have some sage advice.

Mondaytired · 22/12/2018 07:21

It’s a difficult one as life is miserable at home for you all, but then he could have then 50% of the time... when they are just solely miserable without you fighting their corner.
Which would you rather have?

MerryMax · 22/12/2018 07:26

You might find that he does better without you. If he feels hugely criticised and there's a power struggle between you then it will be a fairly toxic environment. To be honest you're going to have to do light and breezy with the DC and just say "you have two houses with two different sets of rules" and point them back to him if they have issues with how he behaves. The kids likely know you disapprove of him and will try to play on it. There won't be much of a co-parenting relationship but hopefully it will be as civil as possible. And that is what's best for the children. I'd communicate factually what he needs to know and then let it go. If you try to influence his parenting post divorce it will all end in tears for everyone.

Original poster

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 07:29

My hope monday is that after not too long they’d refuse to go. He’s really not a hands on dad, he’d really struggle to manage them for a whole weekend on his own, and I think he’d realise this pretty soon too.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 22/12/2018 07:30

I think that you will just have to hope that your parenting and nurturing will make up for the parenting they will receive when they are with him. i don't think there is much else you can do. Does he like having them around? Will he insist on having them a lot?

Original poster

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 07:31

merrymax I appreciate that that might be the case. He may be one of those dad’s who suddenly develops better parenting skills when he has to.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 22/12/2018 07:38

As a child I would have preferred to spend time in a relaxed and accepting environment 50% of the time than a tense, judgemental, angry environment 100% of the time.

As someone who had a dreadful up bringing, I was desperate for my parents to split up so I could live with my dad (who was an alcoholic but still the better parent) or be taken into care. If I could have had a really lovely, supportive environment 50% of the time I would have grabbed it with both hands.

They only get one chance to be a child and you only get one chance to bring them up .

Original poster

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 07:43

apollo he likes having them around as long as there is an activity planned and they behave. He says he wants them 50%, but that would be impossible with his job.

OP posts:

OpalIridescence · 22/12/2018 07:49

I can relate to this and it's so hard. I stayed for a long time for fear of him on his own with them.
We finally split when it all escalated and the whole house was living in a miserable tense state constantly. The split didn't even feel like a choice, had to be done.

Now he has contact sporadically, calls them every day but takes all work shifts he can get. This means he pays higher maintenance to us and this makes him feel he is doing his part. I know he basically cannot deal with the frustration and grind of parenting reality. So he pops by for the cuddles.

The children have totally thrived because they live in a relaxed happy home.

I can't pretend it's ideal, it's hard work on your own but it's harder spending your energy shielding yours kids from their own parent.

Best of luck to you

MerryMax · 22/12/2018 08:37

Wow! You're hoping to end their relationship with him completely? You hope they will refuse contact? This is really sad to read. They are so young. You day he's not abusive and he lacks skill. That he was at least willing to take an online parenting course. I think you could be greatly underestimating how this will blow back on you when they are older. Kids aren't stupid and may not share your view when they become adults. If you torpedo their relationship as children with their father you best be damn sure. Maybe consider seeing a child/family psychologist before you move forward. From the little you've posted your judgement seems clouded.

Blossom5 · 22/12/2018 08:39

We have 50 50 care and it is a nightmare we parent so different we cannot co parent. Google parallel parenting this is an alternative for thoes who's ex's simply cannot co parent x

Sistersofmercy101 · 22/12/2018 14:47

merrymax the OP is very concerned about the dcs long term psychological and emotional welfare because of her H's behaviour towards them - the op has tried all that she can but in the end the only key to fixing this, lies with him and he won't. Now with that being the situation the OP would rather that the dcs reject someone who mistreats them. I'd rather that for my dcs - as opposed to them chasing the approval of a parent who is emotionally cruel. It's called self worth and boundaries - don't we all hope for that for our children?

LatentPhase · 22/12/2018 15:29

It’ll be ok, OP. It’s hard/impossible to see it now. But the happy, supportive home dc will have with you, will nourish your dc and help them withstand all of life’s setbacks. Your relief and happiness will be their security.

They will quickly adapt to having a home with each parent which has a different vibe and different rules. It will be better than what they have now (a tense home 100% of the time).

Your STBXH may step up. Or he may not. You will learn to let it go as you make peace with your marriage ending.

Your dc are unlikely to want to stop contact. Not should they. Things may be better than you think.

Original poster

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 16:33

merry I would never end their contact, but I equally wouldn’t force them to go if they didn’t want to......I do get your point. I guess I’m hoping for something along opals set up (not the extra maintenance bit)....regular contact, albeit by phone, popping in for cuddles. I just can’t see him managing solo.
Thanks latent I kind of know everything you say is right.......but I’m sitting here wrapping presents crying so hard the tears are stopping the sellotape sticking. I know it’s our last Christmas as a family, and it’s killing me inside.

OP posts:

C00lio · 22/12/2018 16:39

Sounds like he would probably find parenting on his own for any length of time a very difficult and unpleasant task (unless he improves his parenting skills).

Never mind the kids not wanting to see him - I'm guessing he will probably be on for reducing his contact time himself once he's had a dose of reality.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 22/12/2018 19:52

Once the children hit their teens and refuse to see their father unless you make them, then he will realise what he's done wrong.

Original poster

wishingitwassunny · 22/12/2018 21:01

I know amy, but the damage is done then. Asked him again to go on a parenting course together so we could co-parent better. Says he cant because he can’t concentrate for more than 20 minutes when someone is talking .. He can sit at a computer for 10 hrs a day, watch a film, go to the theatre, even sit through (hour long) lectures at conferences.......but sit through a parenting course? And talk to other parents about challenges of parenting......maybe even learn something that might make us better parents. No, that would be impossible.

I agree coolio. He may surprise me and step up though. He has a habit of proving that he can do things, he just chooses not to most of the time.

OP posts:

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