Too nice to ex?

[FedUpTonight]

Appreciate a little advice. I might be being too nice to my ex and father of 2.5 year old DD or I’m doing the best thing for her by being friendly with him, but I’m not sure anymore.

We separated 1.5 years ago, he was drinking every day through my pregnancy and would not even consider stopping. When she was born he carried on drinking every night and passing out in the spare room. He was quietly angry all the time, although not agressive. It was horrible to live with. Just before she turned 1 I had had enough and we split. The narrative around this now when he talks about it us that we ‘grew apart’. He spent the next year drinking and now has a new partner so I have felt ok for my daughter to stay with them. I know he has mental heath issues and try to be understanding but still he talks about ‘how hard it has been’ for him, and when he looks after DD (usually one overnight and one teatime each week) he describes it as ‘helping me’ which drives me mad. We will divorce next year. I’m continuing to try and be nice but is there anything to gain by toughening up and getting a proper agreement drawn up around shared parenting? Acknowledging that parenting is 50% his responsibility. Is there even such a thing?

I’m fed up of being nice. And fed up that what I always hoped would be a happy part of my life has been made a bit sad and lonely. At the same time I know things could be worse, I’m completely grateful I had a choice not to stay in that relationship.

It’ll make the divorce easier if you’re both amicable. It’s also good for your daughter to see her father and know who he is, so just stick it out, even though it’s tough for you. One day it’ll all be over and you’ll be glad.

Hi OP, I'm not sure what to say about your question around a specific agreement, but I can empathise with your situation. I've just started divorce proceedings against my alcoholic husband (similar really, nightly drinking, just sort of absent from the marriage) and we have a child together.

It sounds as though he's taking advantage of your kindness, while being completely self absorbed and not taking any responsibility for his own problems - typical alcoholic. Amicable and kind, but with some boundaries and clear expectations of what he should be doing sounds like the way forward. I wouldn't engage in any 'woe is me' type discussions with him, it's his responsibility to sort himself out.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. It helps to hear from someone else in a similar situation too. Agree, amicable is best and I will probably feel less taken advantage of if I do make boundaries and expectations clearer.

My ex does this too. He’s helping me. I should be grateful he’s had the kids and not complain he’s brought them home 3 hours earlier than agreed. I could get a separation agreement drawn up and get contact set out in divorce but I doubt he would stick to it. I struggle to be nice as he is rude and irritable (depression not alcohol in his case). However when I let my frustration show in front of the kids I feel guilty and that I’ve let them down. He is the Dad they have even if not the less self absorbed one I would prefer. So better to keep things amicable and vent elsewhere. Eventually the kids will grow up and may be parents themselves and will appreciate which parent was always there for them. You could negotiate some longer stays as you will appreciate those when start school if you think it would be safe to do so. Also it would give you the chance to get away and do something for you. Splitting school holidays are something to think about when you are sorting divorce anyway.

Well of course you should be grateful northern some dads don’t see their kids at all! True fact.

Yes, better to vent elsewhere as trying to address the issue is basically like banging head against a brick wall and the kids just don’t need to see the struggles. Sooooo much easier said than done though.

I think I am going to get a separation agreement drawn up setting out contact, including longer stays and planning ahead for school holidays. At least it will be something concrete to refer to. And as long as he is with gf I feel it’s safe. If that relationship breaks down the whole situation changes I guess.

I’m just frustrated and angry. Before we had a child he was going to be 50/50 childcare. All talk. Grrr. I think I am feeling it more just now with Christmas coming up too, it makes you reflect on things more.