Advice on moving away from ex husband

[Lou141]

I need some advice in best approach towards my ex husband.

We have been divorced for over a year now and separated for 4. I have two children (8yrs & 5yrs) who live me with and my partner. I have been with my partner about 3 years and he's been living with us for about 18 months. My ex lives in North Hertfordshire and I live in South London. He has the children to stay over every fortnight which is on a private flexible arrangement.

My partner has managed to get a job in Liverpool and I have to announce to my ex husband that we are moving up that way. I know that I can move with the children as legally I will still be in the UK but I need advice on best approach and really what to say to him. The benefits of moving to Liverpool are outweighing living in South London, but I need to convey that to my ex. The last thing I want to do is to be wrangled in threats of court action from him so I need to get some advice as how best to announce this to him.

Many thanks.

[mikado1]

Not English, so not up on the geography, but can the two weekly visit continue?

[Lou141]

Probably not. It'll be a 3-4hr journey each way

[mikado1]

Ok.. I'd have a definite plan in mind so to offer to him as satisfactory alternative. How will the dc feel?

[Janleverton]

I was under the impression that the NRP can in some circs prevent a recolation - by taking a prohibited steps order.

IMO you need to present clear commitment to how you will facilitate contact, given that you are the one moving significant distance away. It’s usually in the best interest of the children to maintain a close relationship with their father, and how would you go about doing this? For example, would you be covering costs of transport, agreeing more generous split of time over holidays etc.

[BobLemon]

What are your proposals re him still seeing the DCs?

[BobLemon]

Seconded that I think the father could see a prohibited steps order...

[waterSpider]

Don't be so sure that it's OK legally to move ... he could apply to stop that, or at least stop the kids being moved, or ask for a change in arrangments for children. It isn't a done deal you can just move, if that affects the ex's arrangements.
Initial advice here:
raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/relocating-separation-divorce-children-need-know/

[Notacluethisxmas]

He can stop you moving. Or at least attempt to.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

I think that announcing it as a fait accompli is going to result in him pushing back and trying to get a PSO. Can you talk to him about the possibility of a move and introduce it more gently?

If someone were to announce to you that they were reducing the time you had with your children and you just had to lump it, how would you feel? Would you care about your ex's new partner's career if the position was reversed?

In any case, I think you can expect the end of informal agreements and you would be wise to set aside time and money for court/solicitors fees.

[juneau]

So this is all about your new DP's new job ... good luck with that OP. There is no advantage in this plan for your ex or your DC. If I were him, I'd do everything in my power to prevent this move. How on earth is he going to see his DC regularly if you move them a 4-hour drive away? And when you factor in how bad the traffic is on the M6 I would think four hours is the minimum.

[juneau]

Think too about all the hours your DC are going have to spend stuck in a car - just so that your new DP can advance his career.

[Sistersofmercy101]

Lou141... Your ExH could seek a prohibited steps order BUT if you can present that this move is in the best interests of the household that the supports the children and that it would therefore benefit them, as well as a plan to keep contact in place (say replacing fortnightly with monthly but increased time but decreased frequency to ensure children's relationship with their father isn't detrimentally affected) then your ExH might understand if not then the court would review and would look to what is in the best interests of the children.
The alternative (for all those whinging) is that the children stay in an artificially income depressed household - without the freedom to move to seek better work prospects a child's household and therefore the child is worse off - especially in today's financial climate!

[Lou141]

@Sistersofmercy101 - thanks very much for sensible reply. This is v.helpful.

[Notacluethisxmas]

It's not really sensible advice. It's optimistic advice. A judge won't always say that finances are the be all and end all in what's best for the children.

It's very vague and has not facts in it it's all opinion or supposition.

He might be able stop you moving. He can definitely attempt to. No one can give you assurance or not that you would win.

[Lou141]

@Notacluethisxmas - you are right in that he may be able to stop me and I may not win this, if it goes to court. In terms of the sensible advice it was more in light of the responses I had previously.

I am merely trying to get ideas of best approach as I am getting prepared to tell him. I know I would have to work out a re-arranged contact plan and I am trying to think of ways to get the kids to see their dad as best they can, that's all. I have their bests interests in all of this.

[Notacluethisxmas]

I am sure you do have their best interest at heart. I really do.

But surely you know how to enter negation, or break bad news. Announcing it, isn't the way. And neither is going into it assuming that he can't do anything because you are remaining in the UK.

You need to know exactly what could happen. A realistic view of it, rather than an optimistic view or the view that you know your rights when you don't.

[Lou141]

I have been trawling and found this thread helpful: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1283560-Child-Access-Arrangements-for-Long-Distance-Fathers

@Notacluethisxmas - I agree with you, I do need to be in the know and as my mum would say forewarned is forearmed