Useless and want out

[Adviceneeded12]

Hey,
Long story short, I have two children first is 2 in feb, second is 3 months old.
I can’t be with their dad anymore, I’ve tried and tried and tried.....
his great with bills and paying for things but as I’m on maternity I have no income and tells me every time we argue he’s not giving any money anymore. im thining of going back early just to shut him up.
Here’s my problem....
We both own our home (mortgage) and I just can’t be around him anymore, I want him out NOW or I wish I was a millionaire so I could just leave and never rely on him again. He’s barely home, hardly helps out with our first child and has had VERY little contact with our second (he wanted a boy and we got 2 very amazing, beautiful girls). Hasn’t changed her nappy once, has only fed her twice but kept telling me to hurry up so I can take over (I had to use the loo)
So because I can’t stand to be around him anymore I don’t know what right I have to tell him to leave? I can’t afford the bills by myself and won’t get paid straight away if I did go back to work.

I’m so tired and sick of everything he says and does, he’s an absolute a**, is very deluded and his temper is getting shorter and shorter (he lobbed a dirty nappy straight in my face the other day because I asked him to wash his hands as he picked up poo)
He doesn’t clean up after himself, seems to think a little fairy does it, when I moan he insinuates he works so I should clean and look after the kids. He doesnt realise everything I do do, I’m on 24/7 and I don’t see the point in telling him as he always throws in my face that he earns and I’m shit at everything.
Through my 2nd pregnancy we seemed to disconnect with each other, I turned really sad because of this so the moaning started, he started going out for the World Cup whilst I was heavily pregnant, struggling with our first.

Ended up having an emergency c section, day after I was TOLD by him I’m ok and he went out the day we brought our second dd home (we had to stay in 4days due to baby being unwell) THEN went back to work the day after.
If I ever want to go out like food shopping or pamper myself with getting my eyebrows done I have to arrange a sitter or take them with me even if he’s at home doing nothing. Says jokingly in front of all his friends and family that when he hears the kids cry in the morning he gets up straight away (we don’t sleep in the same room because the baby wakes him up) and goes work, even if he ends up sitting outside the job for half hour.
This is only the very pinpoint tip of a VERY LARGE iceberg.
I’m sorry to rant but I have got to the point where I’m sick of sticking up for him and lying to everyone that he’s a good dad or oh he can’t have the girls because he’s going out ...
some one help me please and give me some advice x

You're in a tough spot, sorry op Before you up and leave have you had a frank discussion with him? He sounds like an absolute prick and undeserving of you all. Maybe stick it out until you can go back to work, get your papers and finances in order then get shot? Knowing you'll be a bit more sorted financially might be worth the miserable next few months? Christ awful situation xxx

OP it sounds horrid for you 💐
If you are planning on leaving maybe just try role play being a single mum within your current situation.
Don't ask for help, minimize interaction as much as possible. Pleasant but vague with him if you need to communicate.
Start considering financial future, saving were you can.

Sorry OP it’s sounds like a horrible situation for you.
Can you try to save some money for housekeeping ?( cut back, mainly on stuff for him)
Save up what you can now and continue saving when you go back to work.

Are you married?

Don’t ask him for help anymore but as op said act like the single parent you already are so when you do leave it won’t hit you as badly.

In the meantime, just carry on. Don’t tell him your plans or he will probably cut back on giving you money. Also, as you mention his temper if he knows you’re planning to leave he may become more abusive/ violent. So you have to quietly make your plans.

See a solicitor regarding the house

Many solicitors offer free 39 min initial consultation. Shop around.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice to women in abusive relationships. He does sound abusive.
rightsofwomen.org.uk

I don’t know what tecrest of your situation with him is but as you mention that this is only the tip of a large iceberg, then Women’s Aid could help you too. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

I feel so sad for you. You need to go and start your own life, a happy life.
He sounds awful, beyond awful. Throwing a dirty nappy in your face is the pits. He showed you there exactly how much respect he has for you. Go stay with family or friends ASAP and sort the financial obligations etc out from there.
He is despicable.
Your friends and family will have clicked what an arse he is, I can assure you.
Big hug.

This is great advice, thank u.

We’re engaged, not married (When he used to be romantic) but said he won’t marry me because I was horrible when I was pregnant.
Even now part of me feels guilty for telling u all about this.
I dont think he’d ever hit me but his words are so hurtful. I try to act like him sometimes but I just don’t have it in me.
I am unable to move back in with my parents as there is no room but I might try one last time to have a discussion with him but I’m worried it might be too late. Worth a try?
Then if this doesn’t work I’ll discusss about going back to work.
I’m practically a single mum now, it’s just the money side of things I know I’ll really struggle.
It’s hard with him here because he will do things like this then be nice then I’m like ‘ok maybe I was overreacting’ ... I just don’t want this for me and the girls for the rest of our life’s.
Thank u all again x

Firstly you need to know that him switching from horrible to nice is a classic abuser tactic. It makes you question your own reality and doubt yourself. It is not a chance thing ... it’s the way he plans it so no matter how bad his behaviour, you end up staying or “ giving it one last go “. It’s a cycle. Before you know it you’ve wasted years with him.

Secondly, discussion with him probably won’t work because he will just manipulate you. You will always be wrong and if you’re right he’ll move the goal posts to make you wrong.He may turn nice for a while then revert back.You also risk giving him a heads up about planning to leave.

He has shown you who he is.
This is emotional, psychological and physical abuse.
What’s more, he won’t change long term for the better.

You are right to think this is a terrible situation for your girls to grow up in. They will grow to think his treatment if you is normal. ( And end up in similar relationships)

Tell your family about him. They may make room for you til you get some money together for your own place. If it was my daughter there would be room, no matter how small my house

OP - so sorry that this is happening to you. Congratulations on your 2 beautiful daughters.... now is the time to get rid of the drain on your life that is your pathetic excuse of a partner in order that you can dedicate yourself to having a happy life and enjoying your girls rather than wasting precious energy on a waste of space that ( trust me ) will never change ... that precious energy is owed to your girls ...

It won't always be easy so try to enlist support from other family and friends from time to time but ultimately it will be easier and more peaceful than carrying on like this ( I have been there and stayed far too long ) Good luck and come back here anytime for support.. x

I bet he’s Mr Super Nice Guy in public? Just tell everyone what he’s like. He relies on you keeping quiet. It’s a means of keeping you isolated and worn down with no one to turn to.

Thank u for ur advice, my mum would make room, my partner has done a lot for my mum as she isn’t financially stable and has got both my siblings living with her along with their children on the weekends so it isn’t an option.
My dad was abusive to my mum and lives in a one bed so I wouldn’t want to do tht either.
I no I’m no angel as I have said and done some horrible things too but I’ve just had enough, I grew up when we had children, he’s just turning into a horrible person that I’m falling out of love with.
Ur probably right about discussing it with him, we do end up in a cycle.
I will seek some advice about the house even though he’s the one who put all the deposit down I will need the money to start somewhere with the girls and get furniture.
I’m going to look at going back to work in the new year and hope someone will look after the girls whilst I do this as childcare is expensive.
Thank u all again for ur advice and for letting me rant.
X ❤️