Justice turned upside down

[NotBeingRobbed]

When I married there was no such thing as pension sharing - it wasn’t in the “contract”....you know the contract we are never shown but apparently sign up to in a church service!!

Then it came in to protect women who were the old fashioned Stepford types and gave up work to support their dear hubby and stay at home baking apple pie for the cherubs. They found when they were divorced they had no pension... so the law changed.

Now it’s 2018. I am a woman and I am raising my kids plus have worked throughout in a difficult job with difficult hours - I juggled being home with the kids and working.

My hubby had an easier job and lower pay and longer holidays.

Cue the divorce. He wants to strip me of my pension and 65% of the assets. He resents paying child maintenance and has made it clear my DS at uni won’t get a penny from him.

The pension sharing was clearly aimed at protecting partners who had never worked. But I will lose out and will have my kids to support.

He has turned justice on its head. Or would you say it’s fair? I cannot begin to explain how unjust this seems to me.

I’d rather pay the lawyers than this leech.

I thought I lived in a free country but I am not free and this is not justice. It is slavery. No. I won’t accept it.

yes it was all noise with my friend's husband and then when it got to court, they were all "you want what now - ha ha ha ha NO".

I'm not sure of the mechanisms but if it had gone to court earlier it would have been better.

I still don't understand why the lawyers thought a non resident parent - and one who didn't want most of his allotted time with the child, and who did everything to dodge maintenance payments - could get a lion's share of assets from the marriage.

anyway OP you might be better asking on legal.

Take a step back, it doesn't matter what he asks for, he's very unlikely to get. Take it to court, get it done fairly, stop stressing.

Have you recently separated? It feels like it’s a little raw, sometimes divorcing on two years separation is the best way because then you have time to get your emotions together and the bitterness has lessened.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to pay for your child over 18, I’m not saying it is fair as at that age they are still financially dependent on your, more so when they are at university so it’s unlikely you’ll be able to force him into an agreement to pay and the CSA won’t be interested. I’m not saying it’s fair it’s just how it is.
if you were amicable it may be different as your husband may be more likely to help with costs etc even if there is no formal arrangement in place.
As for financial split, no two divorces are the same so it can be in some ways unpredictable. But as a resident parent you may get slightly more in terms to the house split but the split of finances are to ensure that both have suitable accommodation etc so it does need to be fair on him especially if he is a lower earner.
As for the pensions I would just propose that you both keep your pensions.
You really don’t want to go to court, you could waste thousands upon thousands and it may leave you with less more from the split than you would have gotten in a more amicable agreement

I’d rather pay the lawyers than this leech

Every Lawyers' dream statement come true.

You really don’t want to go to court, you could waste thousands upon thousands and it may leave you with less more from the split than you would have gotten in a more amicable agreement

Those who must win at all costs don't take that into consideration and 999 times out of a 1,000 they are worse off at the end.

I disagree. He wants £85k more than he is entitled to. Better to pay costs than lose that.

To NBR

Courts could easily cost half of £85k. No certainty that Courts will lean in your favour. Worst scenario is that courts make an order than neither partner wanted. Can be appealed, but there is the remaining half of the £85k gone as well. And will the appeal courts make a decision that is different to the first Judge? That is not a certainty either.

OP I agree with you. That's why I'll now probably never get divorced (I earn 3 times as much) and do everything else for kids and home. It's a joke. I have already told my children not to get married. One already is a very decent earner. The law needs to reflect the times.

The law needs to reflect the times

If the Law is changed can it be applied retrospectively so that all Ex Husbands who were cleaned out by non working Wives can receive the same compensation that today's Ex wives are seeking?

Has CSA changed recently?

Just asking because I've seen a few comments say OP wouldn't get CSA if her child is over 18, but my dh had to pay until his DS was 20.

Ds was living on campus had his own job but dh still had to pay child support to ex, they were on good terms and she just transferred the money to their son as it's what dh was going to do anyway)

Doesn't matter for dh because the money was always going to be going to his son while he was at uni even if csa said it stopped at 18, but I'm certain the letters said it stopped because ds was now 20.

Look on the link

www.gov.uk/when-child-maintenance-payments-stop

OP ...you are right marriage is broken and deeply unfair to those who are responsible. If I was financially responsible all my life and married a flake, she could have claim on my pensions from before I even met her!! I think any asset, including pensions, from before the marriage date needs to be protected by law and untouchable. Otherwise it promotes gold digging and rewards cheating, where a person can cheat and walk away with cash and prizes. IMHO the biggest mistake of recent yes, and a significant factor in the breakdown of the marriage institution, was the introduction of no fault divorce. I'd you cheated on the marriage you should be penalised financially for it, it would significantly stop the frivolous behaviour some display. I will be telling my kids not to marry under any circumstances unless prenups are fully legal in the UK. The risk is just too high and the rewards almost nothing, certainly nothing that they can't already get from a non marital relationship.

I'd you cheated on the marriage you should be penalised financially for it

Never going to happen. Unless the cheating partner owns up or you catch them in the act and have evidence of the catch it can be almost impossible to prove.

My Ex initially filed for Divorce on the basis of Adultery. Courts rejected it as there was no proof. References to social media were rejected as they prove nothing and in reality LinkedIn connections are mostly former colleagues and recruiters.

I then filed for Divorce in grounds of unreasonable behaviour including Ex's false allegation. Ex denied it, but was laughed at as Courts had the records of the Ex's failed Divorce petition.

As for one partner walking away with more than they contributed the solution is simple. Don't marry if you are afraid that may happen.

Oh that’s the cop-out answer...don’t marry or “you should have left”. I did marry and I didn’t have a crystal ball all those years ago. The general perception pushed by society is still that marriage is a good thing!

Now I am stuck with this situation. When things weren’t great but didn’t seem bad enough to leave then it would still have been a nightmare to divorce and as I had two children I stuck with it.

It is a prison. Yes, fault should be considered! Plus who was more responsible with savings etc or with holding down jobs when the going got tough and not just throwing in the towel when it suited them!

The fault is all with my ex, although he is throwing around false claims against me.

There are still steps to pursue before court - negotiation, arbitration. I’m not going to let someone ask for more than they are entitled to and just roll over and give in! If the pot gets smaller, so be it. At least he won’t get his mitts on it.

The general perception pushed by society is still that marriage is a good thing!

Divorce rate in UK is over 40%. So can't be that good.

Yes, fault should be considered! Plus who was more responsible with savings etc or with holding down jobs when the going got tough and not just throwing in the towel when it suited them!

Never going to happen, but good luck with your attempt to change the Law. If it is changed can it be applied retrospectively so that Ex husbands can be compensated too?

If the pot gets smaller, so be it. At least he won’t get his mitts on it

If you involve courts there may be no pot at all left at the end?

@MissedTheBoatAgain as a disgruntled ex-husband I wonder why you continue to haunt MumsNet? What’s your motivation here? The law is changed by case history. So someone has to fight it.

I can see you’re very angry at your ex but marriage is a protective thing.

If I divorced my husband, he’d be entitled to over 50% as he has a minimal pension and looks after the children. If we weren’t married then he’d be left high and dry despite it being a joint decision for him to take a step back career wise.

Also savings - it’s sadly a rather common thing on MN that the wife is left struggling with pennies at the end of the month whilst the husband has loads. It’s not a given that one was sensible and one was not.

It hasn’t protected me, no siree. It’s a prison.

I have taken two lots of maternity leave, funded by my Savings and my employer. I worked part-time for seven years and I’m working part-time now as I’m left “high and dry”. The only times my husband stayed home with the children was when he got sacked! That wasn’t a joint choice but just presented to me to deal with. If I hadn’t kept working we would have been destitute.

@Moreisnnogedag be careful because rather than assuming he’d get 50% you may find he’s after 75% or more! Good luck with that.

With hindsight I'd never have married. I wish someone had been around when I was young to really explain the legal ramifications of that choice. We teach our children a lot yet we dont educate them on potentially one of the most serious and life altering choices they can make? Marriage is a business decision, like forming a corporation, strip out the lovey dovey stuff and what you have is a BAD deal all round. What sane person would sign up to losing half of everything they've built up on at best a 50/50 chance (divorce rate approaching 50%). It's madness. I will thoroughly educate my son's to avoid marriage at all costs until the law is changed to make it a more sensible union.

And if you think we have it bad...try living in the USA where you can be forced to pay alimony to your ex for the rest of their life upon threat of prison. Now that real modern day slavery.

@m0vinf0rward you are spot on! Marriage is brainwashed into us from the start. All those films with the happy ending where the couple get together, fairy stories and people we know congratulating each other for getting married and going to each others’ weddings.

My married parents were great people but now I think about it they only really socialised with married couples and they firmly believed it was the only moral and correct arrangement. So I did the “right thing” and it turned out to be the wrong thing.

It’s not fair for people to say if it’s not ok then you can leave. No because the damage is already done - you are in that contract and you also probably have young kids by then.

Yes, everyone should educate their children. I actually think the whole institution should be abolished or reformed in the UK. It’s not good enough to think that because there is marriage in other countries it should continue here. And I can’t for the life of me understand why LGBT couples wanted marriage - except to be like everyone else.

We are taxed as individuals these days not as married couples. Our finances should be separate. If you choose to have a less high earning partner living in your home and you support them that’s fine. But that’s an act of generosity and not an entitlement and they should not be able to walk away with your savings and pension. This is a women’s rights issue. Men, stick to DadsNet or Porn Hub or wherever you lot hang out! Don’t butt into our conversations please and mansplain to us @MissedTheBoatAgain.

I'm a man btw. It's not just a woman's issue...it's everyone's issue. There are many many me out there who've been brutalized by divorce and family court. What's interesting to me is that now women are earning more (potentially more than their husbands) they too are running up against the lunacy of the UK legal system. I don't really care if you are male or female, bad law is bad law and the current system is terrible if you're the responsible one with a good job and assets. Until there is a system of protection put in place to safeguard ANY and all assets accrued before the start of the marriage then I'll advise anyone, male or female to avoid it.