He's done with counselling I think

[Fairhearingplease]

I think there might only be one outcome now. What can/should I do?

Background - married 14 years, 2 DCs (12,9). He has anger issues and he has hurt me (emotionally) a lot. And he always denies/justifies his behaviour. That bit is always the worst.

We've been going to counselling for months. There has been progress. He's admitted he's got (had) a problem and acknowledged I was hurt by it. He's also better with the DCs.

BUT I don't feel I know why he was like that - and especially why he couldn't ever bring himself to apologise/accept responsibility. I don't trust him not to revert back to the same behaviour.

He thinks he's done his bit, and now I should do mine - which means being more affectionate, well affectionate at all I suppose.

At the last counselling session he said I might as well go on my own next time, he didn't see why he was there and nothing he said was enough.

I suppose he's right in that what he's done so far isn't enough for me. I just feel so hurt. Maybe it's just too much of an emotional risk for me.

Sorry. I've gone on. Basically I don't know if we should stop counselling and call it a day, or if it's worth continuing to hang in there.

Didn’t want to leave your post with no response. I am in an identical situation but 19 years married & 18 & 16 yr olds. He & us have had counselling & he’s saying the right things but I just can’t quite be relaxed / affectionate enough. I guess I’m not convinced, like you, that he won’t revert back as I’m not entirely sure he fully actually gets what’s he’s been like & knows why. He’s hurt me so much in the past emotionally that Im wondering if too much love has died from my side. Not much help for you but am really hoping you get some advice here that will help you (& me). Xx

Thank you @Mango88 I'm sorry you're in the same boat - it does sound exactly the same- but it makes me feel I'm not making it up. My H sounds just like yours. He says the superficially right things - but then spoils it by saying 'I've changed so now should you'. But I feel like if it was genuine he'd simply say 'OK I realise I made mistakes. I'm sorry.' And then leave it at that'. But he can't.

I can totally telate! My h has eventually done councelling but fot so long he blamed me for making him angry or stressed. Then when i said or was over he accepted he's behaved badly, but didn't take responsibiliy and blamed it on his upbringing. Now he's said sorry but I can't switch back to him and be affectionate. Can a sorry repair 10 uears of confusion and hurt?
How much are your dhs doing to repair the damage?

OMG that’s exactly what my H said: he can see he acts like that because of his upbringing! No apologies for how he’s broken me over the years. I’m really trying to start afresh but when I can’t be as affectionate as he wants he says I need to understand he needs reassurance! I’ve been really poorly this weekend with a vomiting bug & pretty much been left to my own devices. He seems to get annoyed if I’m feeling unwell??

Does it matter why they're like they are? I've spent years trying to work it out, trying to see how I can behave differently (!!) to make things better. And I wonder if it truly matters why.

Maybe it's only useful if they understand themselves and try to actually CHANGE. Just saying I had a rubbish childhood or they get anxious sometimes (which mine came out with recently) - is that just an excuse? The anxiety thing makes me torn - I know MH issues aren't easy to talk about. It's just that he hasn't talked about it before. Also, does it make it OK that he's rejected/dismissed my feelings/experiences when I've said how much he's hurt me (and DCs)?

It's like you say - changing their tune after years and years is good as far as it goes. But is it enough...?