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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

First night without daughter

15 replies

rtr1492 · 05/12/2018 21:55

Not sure if anyone will read this. I’m new to this. Ex left on Monday and has asked to have my daughter overnight tonight at the place he’s gone to stay. Happy with that as it’s a safe place. But jeez do I feel weird. In my ‘family’ home alone. I feel angry but I don’t know why

OP posts:

sheswhat · 05/12/2018 22:01

Hope you are ok.

NotBeingRobbed · 05/12/2018 22:03

How old is the daughter? Is she happy with that?

TTCI · 05/12/2018 22:07

Maybe a glass of wine and a book to distract you? Or a bath? Maybe a bit late now. Hope you are ok, OP.

Original poster

rtr1492 · 05/12/2018 22:10

Thanks guys. She is 4. It’s a school night. The whole situation is completely not ideal but not sure best way to deal with this. He phoned me earlier with her crying down the phone. Our whole relationship has been mind games for The last 5 years, I’ve finally had the courage to ask him to leave but now I feel like the games have gone up a level where he’s using our daughter against me. I’ve asked him to leave before but never followed through with it because he’s talked me round. This time I feel strong enough to know I’m doing the right thing, but didn’t expect this

OP posts:

eve34 · 06/12/2018 06:55

Hope you had as restful night as possible. It wasn't fair he phoned you whilst she was upset. It is difficult situation but he needs to parent when she is with him.

Early days for all of you I know. But I was very clear that I didn't need contact with the children when they are with their dad. That is his time. It is so very hard not to have them with you. Get a routine in place and try and make plans for yourself. Moving forward

Original poster

rtr1492 · 06/12/2018 07:06

Thankyou. I need to make it clear to him that his time with her is HIS time. He sent me a photo of her with a drawing of “mummy and daddy together”. I can cope with him - I’ve done it for years. But it’s using her to try and make me change my mind that gets to me.

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 06/12/2018 07:12

That is awful mind games. I would be keeping a log of all of this because he can't have his cake and eat it. If he wants to be doing overnights, fine, but that is his time and he needs to be acting as the primary parent for those hours he's there. No sending photos of family drawings, no calling you with DD in tears. Unless he's seeking medical attention for her or she goes missing he doesn't need to be contacting you at all during that time.

Original poster

rtr1492 · 06/12/2018 07:17

Thankyou for your replies. I didn’t know if I was being unreasonable. He only left Monday. But don’t want to let myself fall back into the trap of feeling sorry for him because that’s where ive faltered before. I’ve tried to leave him so many times and each time he’s convinced me to stay but this time I feel strong enough to deal with the games he plays, it’s more transparent now. I guess it’s going to take time isn’t it? Just a rubbish time of year as in a couple of weeks I’ll have Christmas to contend with. Absolutely no idea how I’m going to make that work fairly.

OP posts:

eve34 · 06/12/2018 08:00

Christmas is always difficult. Do you have family near by?

As it is so recent I would suggest your dd should wake in her own home and have the morning with you.

It depends with his set up. Is he with family. So he could take her visiting them in the afternoon.

I would strongly suggest you don't have him there in the morning unless you really want him too. As this would set the scene for following years. But you need to do what you can to get through the next few weeks and maybe agree a routine starting in the new year.

Just keep communication about contact and money. Everything else is none of his business now. And get some legal advice if necessary. Stay strong.

Weenurse · 06/12/2018 08:08

Is he calling because he can’t cope or because she is missing you?
He will learn to cope.
If she is missing you, maybe buy a special cuddly sleep toy ( or better yet, make one), explain that this toy contains Mum cuddles. She can take this for when she misses you.
Christmas will be hard. Friends always did mornings together to open presents, then alternate which family boys go to each year.
Good luck

IdblowJonSnow · 06/12/2018 08:47

He is fucking with you. Log it and if it gets worse get some legal assistance. And well done on getting rid. He sounds horrible, what an irresponsible selfish git trying to needle you in this way. How many nights a week will she be with him going forward?

Original poster

rtr1492 · 06/12/2018 09:36

Thanks for all your replies. I don’t have family nearby, his family are 10 mins away but mine are an hour and a half. He called last night because he “couldn’t settle her” and she wanted to speak to me. We don’t have any sort of agreement about how many times a week he has her at the moment. Seeing a relationship counsellor on Monday, booked by him. They also support though seperation/divorce but I fear we will both go to the appointment with completely different intentions. He’s just phoned and asked if he can take her back to my house to settle her for the night as I’m working till 8pm. The original plan was that I collect from him after work. Not sure if I feel it’s entirelt appropriate for him to be in the house without me, but don’t want him to throw things at me like “I’ve paid half the rent this month” or “my name is on the tenancy”. I feel so lost. At work but can’t confentrate on anything as I’ve got all these thoughts going round

OP posts:

NotBeingRobbed · 06/12/2018 10:01

Maybe he can’t settle her as she’s not happy being with him. He’s using her to get at you.

ClaireFrank · 06/12/2018 11:53

My ex is this way too!!! He will call me with my son on the phone crying, who is also 4. Funny thing is, when I ask my kid how his time was with daddy he tells me fun stories. I ask if he was sad and he says no, and he doesn't get upset when I tell him daddy is picking him up today. The other day I asked if he wanted to send daddy a snapchat and he immediately started fake crying!!!!! Like maybe he's used to daddy pulling out the phone when he's crying 😐.

So your post sounds familiar, OP! Things will get easier. Eventually you will learn to enjoy a little free time. And your little one will adjust too!

eve34 · 06/12/2018 18:23

I would nip it in the bud now. He has to parent. It isn't fair on dd he needs to distract her. And I feeling speaking to you and you not being there is just more upsetting for her.

How do you want it to look moving forward?

Is he staying with family at the moment? If so he doesn't need to be in your space. Might mean dd has a later bedtime once a week but she will survive that.

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