How do you know when it's over

[Momof12018]

Hi

I posted a little while ago about the current state of my marriage. Been together 13 years, married for 8 with a 3year old.

For the last year we have become roommates, I sleep on the sofa downstairs and there has been no physical contact between us whatsoever apart from a peck goodbye in the morning ....our evenings are spent with him on his computer and me watching tv when we are together.

Conversation is only about dc and husbands job and hobby (of which covers at least 4 evenings a week plus many weekends etc.
We are more roommates than husband and wife and while I love him I'm not in love with him but I'm also scared to be without him. There is no other person but I think we have just come to the end.

Today we had both booked a days leave to go shopping, instead he went out for the morning in relation to his hobby and by the time he came home we just went for food...then returned home to which he decided to try and get 'frisky' but I just couldn't and now he's walking around like a wounded puppy. But I just couldn't do it.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, and I suppose I'm interested in couples who have been married long term and been through this - was it worth it or do you regret staying?

I'm 90% sure of asking for a trial separation to see if we miss each other?

Sorry it's so long!

For me it was when I didn't even have the appetite to argue any more. I was just finished with it, had heard it all before, knew that in all likelihood things wouldn't change.
Didn't make it easy but all the signs pointed to LEAVE for me.
Good luck with your decision.

To OP

Some marriages just fizzle out. Not necessarily either partner's fault.

Based on what you have posted it sounds like the end is looming.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Why do you sleep on the sofa? I do sleep separately, because my husband is a larger gentleman and snores. Toddlers are very hard work, too. I would say they impact on a marriage quite a lot but sometimes it passes. I think you need to assess the reasons you don't want intimacy - tired, fed up of being touched etc

Sounds like mine. No one did anything awful we just stopped moving forward together. I found his presence annoying and was happiest when he was out. We split 8 weeks ago. We get on better now he no longer lives here. We are close to decree nisi. I am glad I asked him to leave. All very amicable!

This is such a common problem when marriages are decades long. I can’t see the point of staying together just because it’s whats you’re used to.

But can you afford to leave ? You need somewhere to go.

Thank you for replying..

We can go back to my mums for a short while I sort something out but I don't know what to do really. We have a short period left on our mortgage but it was my husbands before us. I've asked for advice and get mixed opinions about whether I should stay in the home or leave. I'm torn between leaving as it's me initialising the break up to staying as it's ds's home and in the primary career.

There are just so many questions really

I don't need to tell you marriage is hard work, can I ask why you sleep on the sofa ?
It sounds like you have both got into a rut but it sound like dh still loves and fancy's you which is great .
Do you still find him attractive?
Also how would you think if he was with someone else ?
I've been married a long time and have kids although they are late teens but you can sometimes neglect each other .
Can you arrange a night together see how that goes ?
Be careful on here you will get conflicting advice people telling you marriage is over and get rid but think about what you really want , you already said you love him . I really hope things work out for you .

OP I'm in the same boat, married for 3 years together for 10 with DC. We've had some arguments and he knows I'm not happy because I've been in the spare room for 6 months now but I don't want to end it and regret it, especially now there are DC involved. My past is littered with bad decisions! I know he'd want me to leave if I instigated it (the reason being stability for DC) but logistically DC would need to be with me for most of the week and this is the main home.

My first instinct was a trial separation too - Do you think you'd get back on track though once that was done? I feel maybe I'm just being cowardly about a difficult decision and trying to delay the inevitable because I don't want to hurt him or my DC and for everyone to have to deal with so much upheaval for me to later regret it.

I am just separating from my H and the reason I think it’s over is that the thought of splitting up only upsets me in respect of the children. The thought of not being with him doesn’t bother me at all and if there were no children I’d already be gone. Like you there is no physical relationship and I have no desire to reignite it. My H had an affair so it’s a bit different from your situation but since finding out he has changed so much and made a huge effort but nothing he does now will make a difference as I just don’t feel the same way about him that I once did.