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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child Access after separation

25 replies

ShiningStar1990 · 30/11/2018 19:07

I have a 14 month old daughter. Me and her Dad broke up 6 months ago. There is currently a dispute about when and how often he has his daughter and I was wondering what other families do in the situation?

I have heard the norm is Friday - Sunday. Thank you.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2018 19:12

Do not do every weekend. I would do every other weekend (so you each get a weekend) and 1/2 midweek nights. For me the ideal is a 9/5 or 8/6 split so the child has a base they call home but see both parents.

8/6 is EOW and 2 nights midweek both week. 9/5 is EOW and 1 night one week 2 nights the next

If he cant do midweek then do not give every weekend you will regret it once they start school

Doyoumind · 30/11/2018 19:12

It's not really about the norm. It's about what is best for the child.

Friday to Sunday is an option but it's quite a long time for a child that age. If all parties are happy, try it. Usually when they are small it's little and often rather than long stretches.

If you DD currently spends most of the time with you and isn't used to being away from you, it might be best to do less and build up to a longer stretch. If dad has been and still is very involved it might be ok.

It really depends on the context.

Doyoumind · 30/11/2018 19:13

Agree definitely not every weekend. I had assumed EOW.

ghostsandghoulies · 30/11/2018 19:30

Depends on many factors. Do you both work "normal" hours? Do you live near each other? Do both parents have an extra bedroom for overnights?

Every weekend is not a good idea at all.

hlob · 30/11/2018 19:43

Yeah don't do every weekend. I agreed to that once and whilst it worked well initially then exH wanted to date and dropped contact entirely

I think had it been EOW he might have decided he could parent and date but he's a selfish twat anyway

Do what is right for your child

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 30/11/2018 19:47

So she was going to him every weekend and because he refuses to stick to her routine she was very unsettled when she was coming home. She is between home, the childminders and his house throughout the week and I think she was becoming unsettled as she never wanted to be away from me.

He had agreed she is unsettled and his suggestions were we spend time in eachother houses (this is a huge no no as he was and is mentally abusive and controlling) the other suggestion was to give her a crystal to make her feel settled. None were at all helpful so I suggested we change to every other weekend from Friday to Sunday so she feels more settled and not feel like she is constantly being taken away from me. He lost the plot stopped child maintenance and is now taking me to mediation then court apparently. Need advice on best thing to do as I want to also have a weekend with her. If I want to take her away for the weekend in the UK I have to ask him if it's ok to have her the whole weekend where as changing to EOW it makes my life more private.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 30/11/2018 19:49

Also he lives with his Mum and when our daughter stays over his the night she sleeps in his Mums bedroom with her not in his room with him which I find strange.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2018 19:51

Advice: formalise child maintenance

Dont be scared of mediation and court. Offer EOW and one night in the week and stick to it. Its not only about being away from you its about having a home.

FinallyFree123456789 · 30/11/2018 19:53

I went through court with my ex -
At first he was given 10-4pm every Saturday. Then 10am Saturday overnight until 10am Sunday.

When she turned 3 he had every other weekend Friday - Sunday.

Does she have her own bed when she's at her dads?
He can't stop maintenance- call the csa they only start a case from the day they are called they won't backdate the money.
Go to mediation, be reasonable, he will show his colours.
Courts rarely award every weekend due to each parent needing quality time with the child - therefore every other weekend is the normal - with one overnight in the week that it isn't their weekend contact.

Good luck op x

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 30/11/2018 19:57

Thank you all for your advice.

I think I'll offer every other weekend with a Wednesday night in the week. Should this be offered every week or every other week on the week he doesn't have her for the weekend so there is only a weeks gap inbetween seeing eachother.
She sleeps in a travel cot when she is there.
I'm worried about mediation because he is so abusive and controlling he's clever. I get threatened by him and his family that I'll get our daughter taken away from me if it goes to court. There is no reason in this world she would be taken away from me but they always try to scare me.

OP posts:

hlob · 30/11/2018 20:00

Do shuttle mediation? If you can request that

I refused mediation for the same reasons but had proof of the abuse

FinallyFree123456789 · 30/11/2018 20:12

You can request shuttle mediation.

We had our first mediation separately- and then they said we wasn't suitable as I mentioned about the domestic violence.
If you have proof of domestic violence you automatically don't need to attend - you get a paper signed by the mediator.

The Wednesday night is every other week - on the alternate to his weekends - if that makes sense?

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 30/11/2018 23:31

I would 100% prefer she went to her Dads every other weekend Saturday to Sunday and every other Wednesday night.
I am waiting to hear from him in regards to mediation, until the he is supposed to have our daughter every other weekend from Friday to Sunday which has just been suggested which he has disagreed to. Now do I suggest to him via email as that is the only communication we have, until we have stranded mediation and agreed the best way forward for her Saturday - Sunday every other week. I'm worried I look like I'm constantly changing the goal posts but I'm only trying to do what's best for my Daughter and the more advice I'm getting the better decisions I am making. It's trial and error but he is only thinking if himself and not her needs.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 30/11/2018 23:38

Have your initial mediation meeting. You have it alone, not with him. If you don't feel comfortable going ahead you don't need proof of abuse not to proceed. It looks better in court if you've tried mediation but you don't have to. A good mediator may make you feel confident enough to try it.

The court will certainly only award him EOW and definitely not every weekend. Whether that's Fri to Sun or Sat and Sun no one can tell you. Even if it goes to court though, you are encouraged to try and come up with a resolution before it actually goes to them to decide.

FinallyFree123456789 · 30/11/2018 23:53

It's up to you how you proceed op
I made all communication go via email - as I wanted written proof - I also stopped contact with dd until we had been to court and got a formal order in place. But that was due to concerns.
Only you know what's best for your situation and your dd in the meantime

larrygrylls · 01/12/2018 07:00

Every weekend is definitely not normal. You need to see your child some weekends.

Every other weekend plus a weekday night every week (not every other week) works for some.

However 50/50 is becoming more normal and, if both parents are good parents and can manage it, can work very well.

Without knowing more details of both of your working situations, it is hard to know what is fair. The mediator will consider what is best for your child long term and you should listen with an open mind.

ghostsandghoulies · 01/12/2018 17:31

What you're proposing is very reasonable so if he takes you to mediation then don't worry. If he can't get to yours before bedtime on Friday, you'd be perfectly reasonable to suggest Saturday first thing.

Have you sorted out Xmas/New Year contact?

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 01/12/2018 20:16

I am so torn as some people are saying for 1 years old she is a bit young to spend Friday evening to Sunday evening away from me, some people are suggesting Saturday 9am - Sunday 5pm and every other Wednesday evening.

Xmas eve she is with me and she goes to him Xmas night at 4pm bringing her home boxing day 4pm and new years eve I am having her. I'm not a big drinker and would 100% prefer to stay in with my daughter new years eve.

Please can someone suggest what they would do for a little girl who is 1 years old. Me and her have a very close relationship, she's always asking people for me when I'm not around. Do you think at her age Friday to Sunday is too long to be away from me.

OP posts:

ayupducky · 02/12/2018 08:49

My DH has every other weekend from Saturday at 9am until Sunday at 6pm, plus every Wednesday.

Start contact now in the format that you would like long term. The court will see this as entirely fair and the child's routine.

He's taking the route that my DH had to take due to not being allowed any contact by his XW. His/your circumstances do not come into this category and he's likely to be very disappointed if he goes to court.

MoonGeek · 02/12/2018 09:03

My two only did overnights with their dad once they were three. This was agreed in court for my youngest.

She needs weekend time with you as well. Is she getting any weekends with you at the moment? If not that doesn't seem fair.

Also, go through CMS for maintenance. Very important.

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 02/12/2018 09:08

She would get a Sunday with me every other week. I never got a whole weekend with her.
So it used to be what I previously explained alternate days on the weekend. Then we argued and it is Friday to Sunday every other weekend which is what he is taking me to mediation and potentially court about. How do I now approach Saturday morning 9am - Sunday 5.30pm and every other Wednesday evening over night?
I'm worried to suggest this as it seems I keep changing the goal posts but I'm the only one making suggestions for her, he isn't. Also he is supposed to have her this Friday until Sunday evening but it seems way too long at her age to be away from me, she's only 1 and won't understand where I am. She already has separation anxiety.

OP posts:

MoonGeek · 02/12/2018 09:28

Yes, I wouldn't make another proposal. Just go to mediation and say what you want and why you feel it is in the child's interest ie she needs relaxed weekend time with both parents, she already shows separation anxiety, etc

It should be framed as what is best for the child.

Is he abusive in anyway?

Original poster

ShiningStar1990 · 02/12/2018 09:57

Yes, I was in a mental and emotional abusive relationship, a lot of control over seeing my family, financial control, cheating. I an on anti depression tablets for anxiety and see a therapist weekly which is why I am not good at making decisions when it comes to him or standing up for what I want.

OP posts:

MoonGeek · 02/12/2018 10:29

If there is any kind of abuse then mediation is not recommended.

I think you should probably seek legal advice. If funds are an issue there are organisations that can help; women's aid, rights of women etc. Others will be able to suggest if these are not suitable.

Please remember to focus on what is best for your daughter throughout this process.

Mami16 · 06/03/2019 11:52

Hi ShinningStar1990

Has your ex taken you to court or have you managed to come to an agreement? I'm in a similar situation at the moment and just wondering how it's all worked out for you?

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