Help! Im terrified ex is going to take ds

[Justme1981]

Please can anyone help? We separated 11th nov, agreed child arrangements for ds 22 months old, he changed his mind, then we re agreed same thing later that week which i put in writing (with ex mon/tues i pick up tues from nursery pm, ex collects weds am i pick up thurs pm, ive offered time at weekends when hes not working which was declined this weekend as he went out) . I work through the week & changed my working pattern to accomodate arrangements, he works weekends fri-sun. This morning he was livid picking ds up, he says he wants him mon- thurs as i work, & that im dening him access to ds, im not i really want him to have a good relationship with ds, he recorded me on his phone & kept saying im dening him access i said im not & repeated what we agreed, he says as he didnt reply to the email its not an agreement. However he wrote it down & i have a pic of this. I now dont know if ds will be in nursery for me to collect tomorrow or not, i let him take ds as he said i was kidnapping him if i didnt, im at my wits end, ive booked my mediation appt tomorrow morning, & my solicitor is aware of the situation. I doubt mediation will work, i think we are going to need a court order just because he keeps changing his mind.
Does anyone know if the court would give him residency as i work in the week? Im terrified of losing ds & dont want to see him just at weekends.

HELP please, please help, im a mess

You need to apply for a residency order which will set out who is the primary carer and contact agreements.

Get to see a solicitor today if you can and get it agreed legally.

Don't i need to have tried mediation first?

Not if you have reason to believe he won’t return him to you.

I need an impartial opinion - do you think im denying him access with the agreement we have made?

No you arent it get mediation and a court order

I can see both sides. What is it about his suggestion you dislike? Is he saying he has him Monday after nursery until Thursday nursery drop off? In which case you're seeing him 4 nights and he's seeing him 3 nights and you're both getting see your DS when you're off work (mostly)? Although depending on how good of a parent he is, would you trust him to do homework etc going forwards after school if that arrangement stuck?

He shouldn't be threatening to not return him through, DS isn't a blooming possession!!

Hes saying he wants him monday am 730 to thursday night 1900, i would struggle to trust him for that long, a few months ago (when we were together) i was at work, he left ds at home alone whilst he 'ran' to the shops, he still maintains that the worst that would happen is ds would cry. I also think mon-thurs night is too long for ds to be away from me as hes so little, (for the record i also think ex should see him at weekends)

Where would ds be when you’re at work ?
If it’s childcare would he be better off with his dad during the day and he can return ds to you in the evenings?
You say ex should see ds at weekends but how can he if these are the days he works?

I would have issues about ds being left unattended mind you.

Hi our agreement was that he has ds in the day when im at work plus 2 nights per week, he has now changed his mind on this & wants him all week.
Ive offered him weekend time when he is on leave which was declined as he went out drinking. Ive also suggested he can visit or skype or call after work, i dont know what more i can offer? Its not my fault he works at the weekends.

If he’s changing his mind about it and seems livid like you say he could be angry at you leaving him and is using your son as a way of punishing you.
Obviously arrangements should be in the best interest for ds. I would think a child that age needs his mum more especially if dad is going to leave him home alone
I’m sorry I have no experience in this but it’s good your solicitor is aware.
Court order seems the way to go.

Yes he is definitely angry with me, he scared me this morning, i nearly called the police

You need legal advice, all this backwards and forwards isn't good for you or you dc. Get it all set up via a court order then he can no longer mess you about and take when he wants. And for the record it doesn't sound like you are keeping your dc away from him, he's just been an arse and wanting the best of all worlds and to annoy you in the process.

I would defiantly get a court order.
It's scary he thinks it is okay for a 22 month old to be left alone in a house.
And I highly doubt a court would penalise you for working.
And as for yoyr question I think for the age of the child, the arrangement seemed fair.

If he gets shouty again or frightens you just phone the police and ask them to log it, even if he doesn’t get charged. It will go in your favour if there is evidence he is abusive.

Thank you all, its a horrible mess, hes now texting me accusing me of refusing contact which isnt true, (ds is with him now!)
Yes eggncress my solicitor has just advised me if it happens again to call the police.
Ive no idea whats changed or why this is happening

Yes OP keep a log with the police and stop engaging with him.

Unless it directly relates to your dc and it’s not a question, just ignore him. Google ‘grey rock’ technique. Simply reply with no emotion and say as little as possible. If he’s accusing you of stopping contact simply ignore him, he’s not asked a direct question, you don’t need to justify yourself, and he knows when next contact is.

Thank you, i will take a look, - ds is actually with him now, ive just replied to say i will collect as agreed, i agree its not for the best to engage with the text rants

Try not to get drawn into them. As much as it’s matural to want to deny any of his accusations it’s what he wants. He wants to suck you into the drama, and he’s realised he can use dc access to do it as it’s a very emotive subject for you.

When you pick up your dc, try and avoid any confrontation. If he has a go at you simply smile and take your dc home. If he asks you anything re contact tell him to email it to you. Infavt I’d be asking him to email all his requests from now onwards, this way you can keep a record for your solicitor and it will also prove that you’ve tried to accommodate him.

Yes don’t engage with his ranting txts. If there are any issues getting ds when you go to collect just call the police and speak to solicitor.
Don’t mean to alarm you but he sounds a bit of a prick.

Thank you, yes my solicitor & my boss both advised me to call police if it happens again, ive had more texts & emails, hes saying im being unreasonable & have gone off the rails. Hes trying to make it look like im the aggressor, ive stopped engaging with his messages & my solicitor is going to respond to the email. Im exhausted, im scared of going to court & of what he may do, hes v good at manipulating people & being charming when he wants to be.