STBXH using my hone

[MyHomeIsNotDaycare]

I'm struggling to tolerate stbxh and his attitude. Not surprising, we've separated for many excellent reasons.

Current problem--he moved out 6m ago, which is great. However he looks after our children (9 and 11) after school a couple of evenings a week at my house while I work.

It turns out that he is regularly turning up in the morning or lunchtime, hanging out with my WiFi, laundering his clothes (leaving tumble dryer filter full of fluff), having himself a nice bath while I am not there. He has a shower but no washing machine where he's living.

This is driving me fucking nuts. Younger kids school is 500 yards from my house, I work a 5 min commute away. He's living 14 miles away.

I need an alternative plan.

He's also tried to suggest that he contributes half the cost of the Xmas presents for the kids. I've pointed out that this year he has to sort his own gifts, I'm no longer his fucking PA.

Any suggestions please

Argh home not hone

FTR he wishes to reconcile. This won't be happening. He keeps putting flowers in the kitchen and moving my things about.

Take the key off him and sort alternative childcare. He isn't going to respect any boundaries st all

Are you still in the home you shared pre separation? I note you very clearly say 'my home', but does he see it that way too? It may not be as clear cut in his mind.

Is the house still jointly owned? If it is rented, who is paying the rent? Is he paying you maintenance (which he may see as contributing towards the rent or mortgage?

Don't get me wrong - it would drive me crazy to - but I think the boundaries may not be clear, if he is still being allowed to be there without you 2x per week, and it was where he previously lived (& he wants to get back together).

The boundaries don't sound very clear

PS it would drive me crazy as well if my Ex has done this.

It is the former marital home, so technically a joint asset. But it was purchased by me alone prior to the relationship.

However he also has his own place which he owns and has always had. He is paying (scant) maintenence for the children which is a massively reduced amount to what he contributed when he lived here.

Alternative childcare is not possible because I work until 8-9pm, there's no other option. And one of the children has additional needs (not complex)

I feel stuck because I am stuck

I wouldn't allow this. I need to feel safe in my home. Is it solely in your name still?

If so change the locks and tell him he has to sort other arrangements. In the meantime change wifi code and take fuse out of washing machine plug on the days he is there

Can you change your working hours?

I do shiftwork, I'm an HCP.
I would probably be able to change to 'normal' hours as a temporary measure but not long term/permanently.
In the holidays he has the children when I'm working. He's not working.

I have no privacy.
I would like to start a bit of low key dating when I'm ready.

I can't realistically add an hour on to my day to collect children from him after work, if he took them back with him. He won't have them overnight in the week because he CBA to take them to school feels the logistics would be tricky in the mornings

Change wifi password for a start...

If he lives 14 miles away, I can understand why he thinks it's sensible to look after the DC at your house. They wouldn't want to be dragged away out of their house twice a week anyway! How to make sure he isn't lurking around in your house all day while you're out at work is another matter!

Could you take his key off him and on the days he has the children put a key in one of their bags? That way he will only has access to your home whilst he is caring for the children?

I’d be tempted to have a key box with a code and pop the key in there and text him the code an hour or so before pick up. He’s massively taking the piss.

He has to drive home anyway, maybe he can take the children home, and you will collect from there, otherwise he will not stop. As he has access to your home.

How old are the children? Could one of them be frosted with a key?
Look for a job with friendlier hours. Lots of different jobs in healthcare. Maybe do an agency shift a month to keep toe in the door until children are older.

Trusted

Oldest already has a key, they are fine by themselves for a hour or two. But the younger one needs an adult at home.

An agency shift a month would be lovely but that wouldn't pay the bills unfortunately. I have a decent job and a flexible boss, but shifts are inevitable. Plus I don't intend to stop contact.

If I changed the locks I'm sure he'd copy the DCs key. I think I need to start with him doing a weekday overnight.

Good luck

It sounds like although you’ve separated, every time you work he’s doing the childcare - to me, that kind of setup still sounds like you haven’t separated aspects of your your daily lives & routine.

Either look at alternative childcare, changing shifts temporarily, or he has the kids overnight at his place ?

I don’t see how this situation will work for you long term, as it sounds more like the nesting strategy, rather than co-parenting plan.

It's only usually one or two evenings, maximum of 3. Somewhat tied by older kid who does a sport two evenings a week nearby.

Younger kid wants to be at home (mainly for the WiFi!)

So on one hand I don't want DC2 to feel cast out of the house, but I need STBXH to not be feeling like he's free to come and go as he wishes. He's really intrusive.

I’d tell him you’re worried about the home when you’re not there and installing a camera so you can monitor it remotely.

I don't know what the answer is.
Tbh I feel better knowing other people can see its not weird to feel unhappy about it. He has form for gaslighting and he acts like I'm crackers for minding.

It sounds like you both need to compromise here - So does your son. He may want WIFI but really, that isn't a need.

You're separated now, so it would be better to start as you mean to continue - long term you are going to need to organise an alternative childcare arrangement so there is no need for your ex to come to the house at all. If one of you start seeing someone else, chances are this could cause problems, because it appear to many that you hadn't separated your lives properly yet. What if he let you down for childcare & affected your job ? It just sounds messy.

These nesting type situations only seem to work when the former couple are 100% on the same page together & it can often become complicated when new partners come onto the scene. It sounds like he needs to just not be at the house, ever. Whatever you have to do to make this happen - do it.