Do people really pity the person who's been left?

[Abitsadbuthopeful]

So my darling husband (50) has been having an affair for almost a year now with a 23 yr old. I found out in October. I told him people are laughing at him, and he said people feel sorry for me. That really struck a chord with me, am I to be pitied? Is that what folk really think, that he's a stud and I'm sad?? I know I shouldn't have said anything to start him off but he's swanning around like nothing happened and we are still living in the same house.

They won't be considering him to be a stud

I would guess that some of his male colleagues/friends may think the opposite?

Immaterial in my view what others' think. OP needs to decide if she is staying or going.

I sometimes feel for a person that they have a tough adjustment ahead. Not the same as thinking they are a pitiful person at all.

I'd probably think he's a twat and I'd think the younger woman is out of her mind for wanting a saggy old man but I wouldn't think anything bad about the wife. Certainly wouldn't think she's sad/pathetic.

Even if I did though, who cares? People will think what they think for about 10 seconds, then go back to thinking about themselves, because that's what people do.

I would guess that some of his male colleagues/friends may think the opposite?

Not the ones worth caring about their opinion. Dh would think a mate who did this as a laughing stock.

We know a couple like this.

Without exception everyone thinks the guy is an incredible bastard and a dreadful cliche. The men are particularly scathing of his behaviour.

We do feel sorry for his wife but not in the way you mean. We feel sorry that she was ever married to such an arse in the first place and that he’s treated her so badly.

We certainly don’t think she’s “sad”.

This happened in dh's family. I did feel sorry for the wife, but not in a pity sort of way. I felt very angry that the husband had treated her in such a poor way and that she was hurting so badly. I certainly did not feel he was a stud. I thought he was a bloody fool for ruining his marriage to a wonderful woman for a cheap sordid affair. It has permanently tainted the way I feel about the husband and I no longer have anything to do with him. I avoid him at family gatherings, as he is not worth talking to in my opinion.

A man in the village I grew up did this ran off with a much younger woman who looked identical to his eldest dd (and wife when younger). He quite literally could never return to the village he would have had bread rolls thrown at him. EVERYONE was sickened and outraged remember women literally spitting out his name with venom. He had been a popular pleasant dad who had voluntarily run a sports team but that didn’t count for anything

I would see your h as a sleazy cliche. He's lost a shared history and an equal partnership for some woman who is so much younger that there will be no shared cultural frame of reference or anything in common. He is destined to spend the next few years desperately trying to keep up and hold back the signs of ageing, while being laughed at behind his back by her young, fit male friends.
Regardless of what his friends might say, deep down most people will think he's gross, going after someone young enough to be his daughter.
I feels sorry for you in that he has utterly betrayed you and that you were unfortunate enough to married a tosser, but in the long run, I think you are better off without him.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Sometimes you can be so close to the situation you can't see the wood for the trees. I am divorcing him and he still denies the affair despite loving texts between them and flights booked for them to go to London in a few weeks. I reckon his chickens will come home to roost. I'm getting lots of support and help from friends, work buddies and especially my sister who is a smart ass top solicitor. She is my backbone through this and deserves a medal for all my weepy, ranting texts and phonecalls i keep making. I totally love her to pieces. Xxx

How wonderful to have such a great sister. I’m glad you have good support.

Your stbxh is deluded in more ways than one.

Thank you for this thread
Not dissimilar position
Given me my backbone back
Thanks

Men doing the dirty dont make me admire the men.

I pity the new girlfriend

I fell glad for the women who get away from these dickheads. (If sorry they are suffering right now).

I hate the nasty selfish cunts who ditch their wives or longterm gfs for someone new.

Glad you're getting good support. The vast majority of people will think your DH is an aresehole and will have huge sympathy for your predicament.

💐to you and your sister

I think he was absolutely pathetic.

If the 23 year old does stay with him long term, it may well be on the condition that they have a child one day. People will be "pitying" your husband when he's 80 and paying uni fees.

A lovely but bad ass supportive solicitor worth a thousand of your husband 💪

I left out the word sister!

To OP

I think your decision to Divorce is correct. Ignore what others may or may not be thinking.

Your husband can deny all he wants. It is unusual for Courts to reject a divorce petition. If you have copies of texts and evidence of time with the OW that should be enough grounds to file under unreasonable behaviour.

When it comes to sorting out finances I suggest you try and settle amicably otherwise you can spend a fortune on Legal fees.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that as your husband has ran off with OW you will be entitled to a larger settlement. You won't. Anger, revenge and greed will only add to the Legal Costs.

Good luck

If you are a sobbing wreck , look as though you ahavent slept for weeks and demanding he stays with you, then you might be pitied. But if you are looking happy enough but resigned, have had a new hair style and some smart new outfits and give off a positive air you will not be, in fact you mightbeenvied by quite a few.

Yup
Get a makeover
Haircut
Personal styling session 👍🏼👍🏼

I'm getting my first tattoo next week, does that count as a makeover??

And I'm outwardly showing strength because I'm in the right. Though I might be falling apart inside....