is there a point in trial separation?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

I'm starting to lose hope of improving our marriage. Have been for some time.

Am not quite at the giving up stage, but, I no longer believe our marriage is viable.

It is not a nice atmosphere to live in. A friend suggested a trial separation and I'm wondering what they are for?

Surely that's a bit like a long engagement? If you want to get married, just get married, if you want to get divorced, just get divorced.

Anyone able to shed some light? Is it to see whether absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I’m in the same position, thinking about trial separation from January. I think, for us, we’re not entirely sure we want to separate but at the same time, we’re not as happy as we should be. What a mess.

It's more to allow you both thinking time without the other being there and causing emotional flareups and whatnot. So if you think that spending time apart will make the whole thing easier to consider properly, go for it.

I've known one couple get back together - ten years together, three months off, ten more years together - and they're the only ones who I know who have had a trial split. Of course other couples have split up and may have been trial-to-permanent for all I know.

I’ve been thinking about this too, on the basis that although I want to separate, maybe my feelings will be different when we are actually apart. The the idea of separating vs the reality might be quite different.

I do feel in my case it’s too late for that but if you’re not 100% sure could it be worth a 3 month period or so of being apart, with a view to seeing how you feel after that? Have you had any individual / relationship counselling?

I can only speak from personal experience, many years ago, but my first husband and I had 'a trial separation'. I, like you, was more or less convinced that there was no hope for us, but hadn't entirely given up. He didn't see things that way at all.

By couching me moving out as 'a trial separation' it took the sting out of the situation for him, because he thought that was, if not from his pov understandable, at least more reasonable than me just saying "it's over". More importantly, it meant we weren't banging heads, or walking on eggshells around each other, every day. It gave us both a vitally important breathing space. We met up once or twice a week in a neutral venue and managed to have open & perfectly civil conversations, avoiding rows was easier because we were in public places.

We were lucky in the sense that we didn't have the responsibility of children, and were both in well-paid jobs so I could afford to rent a small studio flat for a few months.

Every couple will be different, but it worked for us.

That sounds really attractive, retired!

He's bemused and insulted, I'm angry. So, there's not really space to be kind to each other, and the atmosphere is not good for the kids.

Interesting to read your perspectives. I have a bit of cash coming from some work I did - that would cover rent. Might look at it, kids could stay home and I could move out? It's not worth uprooting the kids for three months - but, then, it seems REALLY harsh for me not to be with them! But, then, it's me that's instigating things, not him. And, I'm not moving the kids out of their home.

any top tips about how practicalities? Would me renting somewhere mean that I have actually left the family home? That's a bad idea for divorce settlement, isn't it?

Man. What' an unholy mess.

I think in a lot of cases once you go for a trial it can be difficult to come back from it. Clearly has worked for some but I would suggest you talk really hard together and decide what you want and try to achieve it. If that is to split then get on with it. You can always get back together but will not be living a life wondering what is happening

This is the problem, Marie - we can't talk really hard about anything.

Communication is spectacularly poor. We can both agree on something and then realise that he meant black and I meant white. And, he's then totally inflexible because we agreed something and I want to renege, when, actually, it's that we can't communicate.

We are two professional, articulate people who don't have issues making ourselves understood in any other field. Well, I think he's spectrummy, so all his communications are limited to work related matters and he's practically mute the rest of the time, but, you know what I mean.

I'm taking your advice. Will organise for us to go out somewhere public so we can't fight and there's a time limit and see if we can discuss a break for us both to have a think.

I want my marriage to work, but, it's not going to work without change.

Wearing, this, isn't it?

No point in trial separation as just delays the final outcome - divorce.

Only one that will benefit is the weaker earner as the longer the marriage the more likely they are to receive a greater share of assets.

I stayed in a pointless marriage for several years. Had I divorced before Wife obtained her indefinite leave to remain Visa I could have kicked her back to her native country with the greatest of ease.

Now that she is UK citizen she is being kept at the UK Taxpayers Expense.

Bring on Brexit and close the UK Borders.

Vivarium if you can’t communicate, have you tried marriage counselling? It really helped us to open up and be honest about how we really felt. Could be worth a shot before throwing in the towel completely? It’s expensive but so is divorce!

This is the problem, Marie - we can't talk really hard about anything.

Well I think in reality there is little hope for you. Although you are articulate people it sounds like you have developed differently. Perhaps take Sparkles advice but I think in reality it sounds like a struggle to salvage it

Yes, Sparkles, we've been three times. All at my insistence. First one was awful, he didn't participate. Second one was good, but, he was outraged that she asked if he'd been assessed for ASD. Third one was great, even he liked her, but, he never did the homework with me. Ever.

Marie. I know.

It's so very sad. We should have been so happy. I can't fix a marriage on my own, and that's what it boils down to. Really have tried everything I can think of - guess that's why I'm wondering about a trial separation, I want to be able to say to the kids that I tried everything I could and didn't turn their world upside down lightly.

There's a wee flat available for a short term let about 10 minute walk from home and is on the bus route for school...

Fucking tempting.

Joining with interest as considering the same OP. I've been unhappy for a long time. Finally stood up to him early this year, and we've been going to counselling for months. He eventually has changed (for the better) through it but I don't feel any different, not really.

I wonder if a bit of time apart would crystallise things for us. Trouble is, I don't want to be the one who goes...

Vivarium if you’ve tried the counselling to no avail then you are running out of options. Do you think your H would agree to a trial separation? My H wasn’t keen when I suggested it as he thinks I’ll just get used to life without him so it won’t help bring us together.

In our case he would have to go as I couldn’t leave the kids (young primary school aged).

Duck sometimes I think the counselling is too late if the situation had been going on a long time and your feelings have been eroded. Even if they suddenly change and become the perfect husband, it doesn’t change years of bad behaviour and how it made you feel.

Why not have a trial separation without moving out? Have you got a spare room that one of you could move in to, both of you lead separate lives but no upheaval for your children until you are both sure it is what you want. It's cheaper than paying rent on a flat for a short period when you will need every penny if or when you decide to divorce.

We did this. It was a mistake really, and painful in the end. Because what does it mean? It's a three-month holiday from the relationship, where you get to opt out of the commitment. If you're at the stage where you need and want that, it's difficult if not impossible to fix things.
Do you love him? And fancy him and respect him and want him?

Yes, I am running out of options, Sparkle.

If he agrees to provide things I need, and fails to keep his end of the bargain, then, I'm pushed into making a choice of accepting his negligence or leaving.

It's so fucking unfair. I meant my vows, I keep my vows. It's him who thinks the only one that matters is "don't shag about"! I said to him "can you see the depth of my feeling then? Your refusal to participate in nurturing our relationship means you are not keeping your promise to cherish me, I am as angry about that as I would be if I found you shagging someone" "Yes, I am sorry"...next morning "What does cherish even mean, anyway? I don't know what you mean that I don't keep my vows" I can't argue with that - he agrees ,and then carries on as if the conversation never happened.

His mum said something unprompted "I wonder if he feels like a failure. He's never dealt well with failure"

Hmmm. I expect he probably does feel like a failure - and why the hell he doesn't just do as he promises to fix it is something I will never understand. Not ever.

Nat that's probably where we are. We do have a spare room, I've been in it for about 4 years. Done without any fuss. Not a jot did it make.

Dee - good questions.

I don't much like him at the moment, that's for sure.

I don't need him, but, I do want him. Or rather, I want our family, I love our family, I respect our family. I do fancy him in flashes.

I think I still love him, he's honestly not trying to be a dickhead, t here's not a bad bone in his body. He just has zero ability to see things from someone else's point of view.

I'll have a think about what you have asked, thanks.

Reading your posts I think perhaps you want him to be something he's not able to be or to give you something he's not able to. I may be way off the mark and if so I'm sorry, it just seems you want the 'family unit' but you don't really want him. Because he can't really be what or who you need him to be.
There's no blame in what I'm saying here op, it's merely just an observation based on your last few posts.
Personally I think a trial separation would be difficult to come back from and perhaps more distressing for the children than a final clean split. If he really can't work with you to resolve your marital issues then perhaps it's better just to draw a line under it and start moving forward.
I really hope I don't cause any offence in what I have posted here, you sound very unhappy and frustrated and I do really feel for you. Sometimes there is just no easy answer.

You don't sound at all offensive, Ella. It's hard to square a circle. It's not that I don't want him, more that I don't want to be ignored. I signed up for marriage to be in a partnership, if I'm not getting what I signed up for and never will, then, am I obligated to remain in the partnership?

It's so very sad.

If you have been in the spare room for four years, don't bother with the trial separation, you have effectively separated already, move on & start divorce proceedings or at least a permanent separation.

I just left. But I think looking back, I should’ve talked to him and had a trial separation. Not sure he would have agreed mind you. It took me 6 months to realise I did the right thing and there’s no way I could carry on living with him. So no regrets.