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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

SAHM - will we be allowed to keep the house?

20 replies

littlegreycloud · 14/11/2018 10:19

DH has been talking about leaving. This has been going on a while so, whilst I am utterly devastated for myself and my children, I need to start thinking practically.

I am a SAHM to two young children, 5 and 7. The 5 year old has special needs and I receive carer's allowance for them. I have been looking for work but it is incredibly difficult given that I cannot use childcare for my 5 year old. I have no family nearby either.

If (when) DH leaves I will be in a terrible position.

I know our savings will be divided but I am most worried about our house. It is my children's home and it would be utterly devastating to lose that as well as their father leaving. Not to mention, financially for me it would be extremely difficult.

Is there any way that we might be allowed to remain in the house? Obviously I can't take over the mortgage as I'm a SAHM and carer but we could definitely cover the low mortgage payment as oppose to a high rent.

DH says he wont leave the house as it's 'his', even though it's his decision to end things and I am the primary carer for the children. I'm not sure what he expects to happen. Maybe us to leave? Sad

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
xzcvbnm · 14/11/2018 13:45

It would depend on your needs going forward, both yours and his. I'm assuming you will be expecting and encouraging the children to have an ongoing relationship with their dad, so he will need to be suitably housed as well as you. It will depend on your overall level of assets and means as to what is practical.

Tbh your post is conflicted, because at the top it says he has been talking about leaving, then lower down it states he is refusing to leave.

CornishMaid1 · 14/11/2018 18:12

I am sorry for your situation.

Basically, he wants to split up, but wants you to move out (CF).

You say you are married which is good. It means that if you do separate and divorce your assets will be assessed based on need as well. It will depend on what assets you both have and ensuring your husband can house himself as well, but provided there is money there and given your child's SN, you might find it decided that for example you keep the house until the youngest is 18 and then have to sell and split the money. If the house is big and you have a lot of equity they may say sell now and have money to re-home in a smaller property.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 14/11/2018 23:51

To OP

Your post is difficult to follow as contradictory:

Obviously I can't take over the mortgage as I'm a SAHM and carer but we could definitely cover the low mortgage payment as oppose to a high rent

Starts off saying you can't take over the mortgage, but then goes on to say that you can cover the low mortgage payment?

Originallymeonly · 15/11/2018 08:33

Op makes sense to me, for example before my divorce our mortgage payment was £425 month but to rent a similar property on our street was £1125 month.
The mortgage was joint and when i enquired about taking it on by myself, even though I could afford to pay the monthly bills by myself, the mortgage company wouldn't let me until the total amount owing was lower by several tens of thousand pounds. I think that is what op means.

MeteorMedow · 15/11/2018 08:47

OP he wants you to leave- that’s the clear underlying context here. It’s ‘his’ house and he won’t leave it but he ‘wants to break up’ e.g...off you go then wife!

Sod that for a laugh! You need to sit him down when he gets home tonight- calmly but firmly and tell him this -

I am not leave this house and neither are the children. This is ‘our’ home as much as it is yours and there isn’t a court in the country who are going to allow you to make your wife and children (one with SN) homeless. Even if we were to sell this house there won’t be a 50/50 split as I have to provide care to X and it will be your legal responsibility to provide for us.
I will file every appeal, argue every asset and ask for a minimum of 75%.
I agree we should break up, you seem very set on that, but let’s be clear that there is no legal way you can rid yourself of the financial burden or me/ the kids- no court is going to be on your side. Now either leave, or shut up!

MeteorMedow · 15/11/2018 08:51

And (I know this will be hard) but don’t get drawn into arguments. He’ll probably threaten to get solicitors involved or tell you lies like ‘I’m the one who worked to pay the mortgage / put the deposit down so they’ll give the house to me’

Just brush it off - I assure you, legally he is in a much worse situation than you. This won’t be the first ‘guy trying to skip out on his wife and disabled child/children’ your local court will have seen!

Dragongirl10 · 15/11/2018 08:55

Speak to a solicitor fast!

xzcvbnm · 15/11/2018 09:21

MM posted: "I am not leave this house and neither are the children. This is ‘our’ home as much as it is yours and there isn’t a court in the country who are going to allow you to make your wife and children (one with SN) homeless. Even if we were to sell this house there won’t be a 50/50 split as I have to provide care to X and it will be your legal responsibility to provide for us. I will file every appeal, argue every asset and ask for a minimum of 75%."

Mmm hmm, and then it will actually go to a real judge in court who might rule a 55-45% asset split and for the house to be sold, as happened in my case. My ex wife spent 70 grand on solicitors fees fighting child and financial cases, despite already being offered a better-than 50-50 split, learning that out the hard way. What actually happens in this case will be based on the needs of this specific family, as has already been posted several times above - every case is different.

Children don't belong to their mother, and I object to your use of the word 'our' meaning a mother and 'her' children. Some people's sense of self-entitlement is absolutely bewildering, and belies how certain segments of society still hold heavily sexist and outdated views on what women (and by extension men) should aspire to in life.

See a solicitor by all means, but I would be pragmatic - will be much between for parental relations and the children

VanCleefArpels · 15/11/2018 09:33

Are you joint owners? Joint tenants or tenants in common? Does H have a pension? Are there other savings and investments? Do you have a joint bank account?

You could go to your local CAB who will walk through what happens and what factors might be taken into account when deciding a settlement. But you will need legal advice too. You could also, if you have access, take copies of important documents like mortgage statement, bank statements, pension details, investments etc in case H tries to hide things going forward.

TheCraicDealer · 15/11/2018 09:37

Was your wife also a carer for 5yo with special needs and unable to work @xzcvbnm?

xzcvbnm · 15/11/2018 09:49

@TheCraicDealer She was unable to work due to an acute and undiagnosed case of lazy-itis, which still persists to this day!

We do have a similar aged child to the OP. In my case I work from home and have no restrictions on being able, willing and grateful to provide all the childcare needed.

Of course, the ex wife still insists she is the "primary caregiver", apparently on the sole basis that she's too lazy to get a job. Oh, and she's a woman and mother - mustn't forget that either.

cheesefield · 15/11/2018 09:56

Do you mean the mortgage is solely in his name?

Are the children his?

Stresshead123 · 15/11/2018 13:22

I am in similar position if I am understanding you correctly. Not enough equity to sell & buy two separate houses. I have two kids one with disabilities & on carers like you. Was told I keep living in house till child 18 then split etc but my ex was high earner & could easily afford rent on his own flat plus decent child maintenance payments to me.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 16/11/2018 02:20

I am with XZCVBNM.

Many women believe that once they have a child they are no longer able to Work. What a load on tosh. For children that have special needs there is financial help available. Look on the the link:

www.gov.uk/help-for-disabled-child

My mother and father worked opposite shifts when I was a child as they needed the money. Most of my school holidays were spent at Grandparents house.

My next door neighbour returned to work 6 weeks after the birth of her daughter. Reason why - family needs the money.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 16/11/2018 02:22

I will file every appeal, argue every asset and ask for a minimum of 75%.

My ex tried the same and ended up worse off. What MM does not realize (like so many going through divorce) is that the more that is spent on Legal the less there will be available at the end to share out.

Monty27 · 16/11/2018 02:26

Listening Smile marking my place

Itshouldbebetter · 16/11/2018 07:42

If you share parenting, so you have equal ability to work, would you be able to manage once you fairly split assets? It's such a disruptive time. I hope you get some legal advice soon.

Original poster
littlegreycloud · 16/11/2018 13:26

We don't really share parenting - he goes to work and comes home after the children are in bed. I do everything during the week and at the weekends. He could go to work earlier and come home earlier but he likes his lie-ins.

What I mean re the mortgage is that because I don't have an income as such, I couldn't take out a mortgage. I only receive 264 a month for looking after child with SN. However, with the benefits i would be entitled to as a carer, it would be easier for me to cover the £450 mortgage, rather than the 700-800 rent.

I do want to work more than anything, but my husband refuses to change his hours and life to be more flexible with my own working hours. With DH talking of leaving, I am looking into setting up a small business from home so I can work, collect the children from school and do everything around the house.

DH earns around 40k. As far as assets, we have maybe 10k savings plus his pensions. To be honest though, all I really care about is keeping the house for my children's stability. Sad We have around 80K equity in the house.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 16/11/2018 14:09

The court has an obligation to consider a clean break.

Is there enough equity in the house to provide a deposit for both of you?

You may ‘want’ to stay in the FHM. But it’s about needs, not wants.

The father will need to house himself as well and provide appropriate accommodation for the children when they stay.

My OH’s EW refused to work. Also has a case of ‘lazyitus’. Hadn’t worked in over 11 years. Kids were 11 & 8 at the time. Refused to get a job. Wanted to stay in the house for another 11 years - my OH pay the mortgage in full then he would get 30% of the equity on sale.

It was thrown out of court and she was told to get a job.

I’m a woman and it annoys the hell out of me when I hear ‘i’m going to take him to the cleaners......’ blah blah blah. The 1950’s are over. Gone are the days that the little woman stays at home and is the nurturer and the woman the provider. Absolutely no reason why your EX can’t take on more childcare responsibility and you go out to work and support yourself.

If you want to stay in the house you will need to be able to pay the mortgage yourself (and not all providers take benefits into account).

Personally I think Mesher orders are a bad idea - you are delaying the inevitable.

You talk a lot in your post about ‘my’ children. They are ‘our’ children.

NorthernSpirit · 16/11/2018 14:10

I meant men are the providers....

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