Affair

[honeybee1986]

Hi ladies
Just this evening found out my husband is having an affair with his step sister who lives hundreds of miles away . They meet up in a nearby town hotel and have been at it for 4 months . I am beyond devastated as we have a 2 yr old child to think about . He said he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for the past year , he has never said a word to me about how he has felt. He said I am not his soul mate and has no connection with me , tells me he loves her . I don't know what to do I feel so hurt and sad. I just needed to get it off my chest x

So sad for you
What do you want to happen?

He said he does not love me anymore so he is moving out but we are in Rented . I worry about how we are going to afford everything x

I work 2 days a week and she is with a childminder for those 2 days . He pays for everything at the moment and I am so worried I won't have enough to pay for it all

First step. See what benefits you will be entitled to
If he as any morals and feelings for his daughter
, he will provide for her.

Tell him he can’t just leave and expect you to pick up his shit, you need to know what he’s willing to pay towards his dd future cate

Care

I am so, so sorry, this is awful for you.

Sit him down and ask what is the least you can expect from him and find out your benefit entitlement.

Do a calculation on line with CMS.
Also benefit calculater online direct.gov.
So sad for you. How awful. Uncaring bastard to say all those things
He should've buggered off a long time ago, the prick.
His sil? A wife of one of his siblings? Of one of your siblings, even worse. Prize pair.

Do the benefit & CMS calculations as suggested above.

Then get yourself to a solicitor ASAP. He can't just walk away, he will have financial responsibilities to his child, and possibly to you.

Do you have access to your family finances? If not, try to get the picture as far as what it costs to run the household. And what his income is.

To OP

Here goes in order:

Write down everything you know about husband, full name, date of birth, new address if he has one, where he works, name of employer and ideally his National Insurance Number.

Then call CMS and make a child maintenance application. May take a few weeks to sort, but at least the ball is rolling and they can back date payments to the date of your application.

Speak to a solicitor about a MPS (Maintenance Pending Suit). This is Legal Procedure that allows courts to make an interim maintenance award to ensure the weaker partner has enough to get by on until finances are sorted. Such hearings can be called at short notice if deemed necessary. It maybe that a Divorce has to be filed before you can do this? A solicitor will be able to advise you.

Good luck.

PS

What sort of person ups and offs when there is a 2 year old child involved?

Oh! hIS step-sister so someone he grew up with as a sister?!! Eeeww!

So sorry you're going through this.

Advice re finances is spot on, collate as much info as poss while you can.

As for the emotional side - classic cheaters script "I fell out of love ages ago" it's bullshit! It's rewriting history and a weak attempt at justification for their shitty behaviour! Don't fall for it.

Also don't do the pick me dance you're better than that.

Once you've looked at those calculations you might find you're not as badly off as you fear.

Look up the MLC Script for how it will play out.

Thank you for your advice. He has said he will make sure we are more than looked after financially . I am going to seek professional advice anyway. He has completely detached from me, appears to not give a shit at all apart from Friday when he had a meltdown at all the hurt he has caused but that lasted 5 minutes. He's gone so low as to say he doesn't have a connection with me I'm not his soulmate etc and said sex with her didn't feel wrong !!! I mean come on!! I am in angry mode now and really want to plot x

You absolutely cannot take his word re financial matters (or indeed anything else!)

Soon as he goes start cms claim. Because they will only date it from when you put in the claim, if you delay because you hope he'll play fair and he doesn't they cannot pursue a claim further back than the date you start a claim with them.

My ex also was very much "you know I'd never see dd without" then days later emptied the bank account!

Be careful!

Wise words ! I'll be sure to do that. It doesn't help that my family live 3 hours away so would inevitably move back there . Cannot imagine staying where we are as my life was with him here and too many memories. He has literally completely turned my life upside down x

Op, how long were you married?

I would suggest making moves to return to family, certainly whilst he is feeling guilty.
He may later try to block you as he hadn't yet thought of his daughter and how he will see her. Once the affair bubble starts to burst he may feel differently about travelling.

You will get through this but it will take time and you will feel sad, angry and afraid for the future but it will be ok.

Also good advice.

My ex went apeshit when I moved home - I was apparently "stealing his dd from him" despite the fact he was crap at contact even when he was a 10 min WALK from us! Plus he was in army at time and could be moved anywhere - and indeed within a year he ended up somewhere that actually transport links to there from my home were better than if we'd stayed at the previous place (where I had no family or close friends) - idiot!

Married for only 3.5 years. I can't see how he is going to manage being with this women who lives miles away and having to travel every weekend( 3hrs) or every other to see my DD. I think it's all ridiculous and a fantasy .
Do you think he has said he hasn't loved me for a year just to make himself feel better ? I have had no signs he hasn't loved me so it was a hell of a shock . X

Do you think he has said he hasn't loved me for a year just to make himself feel better ? I have had no signs he hasn't loved me so it was a hell of a shock

It certainly was. What he said may be true, or it may be a sop to his conscience. Either way, it's what he believes now. And in the end, the result is that he has cheated and destroyed your trust and your marriage.

I think others have made a good point about moving back home to your own family, sooner rather than later. Especially if you don't have a support system where you are now. You need to be where people have your back, not where there are possibly divided loyalties. Have you spoken to your parents/family back home? Perhaps it's time to tell them and to see what the job market and childcare is like there.

As far as his 'you'll never want' comment. You've also said he has completely detached from you & appears to not give a shit. Which side do you think will win out when it comes down to him (and OW) doing without or depriving himself of what he wants in order to support you and the children? Think carefully.

You need to strike while the iron is hot. Get to a solicitor and try to get a maintenance agreement drawn up whilst he's still feeling a modicum of guilt. Because you can be sure the OW (and he) are busy making him into the victim in all this. My cousin's ex cheated on her probably from day one. But it was all her fault because 'he didn't really want to get married'. Yes, he was the victim in all of this because she 'forced' him to marry her. No, she wasn't pregnant.

Oh op I think you need to be prepared for his visiting DC to be the thing he drops if it's between that or seeing ow.

My dd was 2 when I split from my ex same reason, initially it was a 10 min WALK to see her as we were still in the quarter (army house) and even that he barely dragged his hungover/drunk arse out of bed to do! Too busy having a whale of a time clubbing with ow!

IF that is what happens DON'T make the mistake I made and bend over backwards to facilitate HIS contact with his child.

Because honestly - if they're going to vanish out of the child's life it's better they do it when the child is young enough to forget them.

That's not just my opinion that's my daughters too. She's really struggled with the rejection from her father and it's made her question her worth and if she's lovable in a romantic relationship. I've had many a night of her crying herself to sleep, raging at the world because of it.

She's almost 18 (in a few months) and she's deeply hurt but prepared that she's unlikely to get even a card from him (he doesn't know our address and has blocked both of us on everything - I recently caught a glimpse of his profile on FB but he seems to have realised his settings went open and blocked me again).

I am both furious and heartbroken for her, I also feel guilty - for giving her a shit dad and for pushing for her to keep seeing him when he was clearly not interested.

If he shows signs of losing interest in your DC don't chase him, let him either step up or fade away.

I think i need stop being naive to the fact he is going to stick by her and put her first over OW who also I may add has 2 young children. It's because I would give my life for my little girl and you sort expect the same behaviour from the other parent. But as I can see it doesn't always work out this way. So sorry for your 18yr old daughter it should not be this way . What my husband doesn't realise is his behaviour will now have an impact on the rest of her life and I never wanted that for her it's so sad x

I personally would be vindictive and let their family know. I wonder how their parents would feel about this?

Oh they all know and she is still putting Facebook posts on and her family are commenting and being normal it riles me . It's took all my might not to comment that she was has ruined my life.

I think you've done right there, taken the higher ground and not got involved.
I think if you, step away from the SM, you will have less overthinking to deal with.

Some out great effort into creating an ideal life despite actuality! Save yourself the strife of looking, indeed block.

I am so sorry for your pain and loss, its food to get angry and thrash it out.

You deserve better, he didn't manage all that long did he!

Just wanted to offer support

What's that Michelle Obama says? When they go low we go high!!

She's right!

I posted on another thread re revenge in this kind of situation, it's very tempting BUT I for one have the satisfaction of knowing karma exists and it's a bitch! My ex and 2nd wife I have on good authority are both bloody miserable - and because I've not done any revenge stuff - they've only themselves/each other to blame. He cheats on her too, she tries to police his every move - at one point he wasn't "allowed" a phone or even a separate FB account! That's how little she can trust him - can you imagine how stressful that must be?!

It is incredibly sad and infuriating and sickening for my dd but I can't change it now. Maybe they'll reconcile in the future but that's the way it is for now.