Dishonest other half... Have to divorce

[Norman1980]

Hi, dad, married for 7 years (together for 12) daughter 3 son 5

We have been having an awful time at home for about 18 months since I found messages on her phone wishing her colleague a happy valentines day (this story unfolded with both of us in bad light but I will only hint at some points... More info available if requested)

Long story short I owned a house before I met her largely funded by inheritance from my father's death (90k) she moved in with me and lived for free for about 2 years until I asked her to contribute

I sold that house and paid off a debt or two (mainly to my sister) leaving me with 70k

We found our dream home but it needed an incredible amount of work doing. We agreed this was it so, 50k deposit 20k funds to plaster, rewire, upvc windows and doors, boiler, roof renovations, chimney fix and new kitchen... Over spend of 15k... Borrowed this from my mother.

So, essentially I bust a gut to get it up and running before son is born... Its livable but needs work done to make it home... Throughout the first couple of years of his life I worked to fix it and was made to feel guilty for a relative small amount of time spent away from her (a few hours at a time)

Straight after his birth I dropped hours as wife was struggling but mainly because this little amazing person was at my house and I wanted to spend every minute with him... FF couple of years and girl is born... I drop another day to be around (and because there are two amazing little people at home that I love spending time with)

I've remained this way since... 3 days a week, she also works 3 days a week. We earn the same. I'm the main communication with his school, doctors, etc.

I advised her to seek legal advice for the entire duration of our torrid time, she eventually did a couple of months ago (on our anniversary) the result of this was her stating she is the primary care giver and that's what she's going for.

We have lived in the same house throughout, which has made it very hard (in my opinion) as resentment and bitterness prevails.

She currently pays the mortgage which is about 500

I pay the bills which is about 600

We were remortgaging before the blow up about a year ago, and I wanted to get extra to pay mother back... She said its unfair

I have suggested the kids stay in the home and I have Mondays and Tuesdays with them, then she does until Saturday where I have them and she has them back on a Sunday...i suggested I will stay elsewhere to give her quality time with them (which will hurt but its not about me at this point) however I would like this to be reciprocated... Even if just for a trial

No, I'm not leaving my house was her response

I asked her to buy me out to give the kids continuity... She can't afford it

I said I (mother) would buy her out but it's not ideal...the amount required would be 40k and she said that was an insult and I'm trying to get rid of her for '20p'

I have debt in my name that was accrued when fixing this property, she said that's yours not mine

She pretty much agreed to the me buying her out the other day, then said how would I feel if the roles were reversed... I said seen as I would have lost 60k in 6 years (property 1 and this marriage) and she would have gained 40k I honestly wouldn't feel that awful

But I caved in to her and we are trying again (we'll I am and she is doing exactly the same)

I'm a mug

I can't not resent her.

Any thought changing processes you can share... I want to see it differently but it's clear in my mind... I feel cheated.

Sorry for an epic post

Once trust has gone then I would say there is not a lot of time left for the marriage. No matter what reconciliation attempts are made in the future there will always be doubt in your mind.

If you decide to Divorce try and settle amicably otherwise Courts will become involved and the legal costs can swallow a large chunk of assets.

I agree with MissedTheBoatAgain. Similar happened to me. My partner talked to someone else in a romantic way. It hurt me a lot but we tried to make it work. We tried for about 6 months but the constant loss of trust was too large a hurdle to move on from.

You do realise your best chance getting your inheritance back is to end the marriage while it's considered a short marriage? The longer you stay the more finances merge. At this point you'd have a very good chance getting £70k taken out pot and rest then split after debts taken into account. debts are joint. You should get your own legal advice.

Tell us more about how the story unfolded to put you in a bad light, i.e. What did you do?

If you can prove what you brought to the table you can apply to have an unequal share because the money was not a result of the marriage.

Also gifts and inheritance are not included in the split so long as they were not commingled with marital assets after marriage.

This is the case in Scots law. Take legal advice and start printing off those bank statements, proof of sale, gifts etc

You’re not a mug. You’re putting the needs of your children and your own need to be with them first. She may not be so commendable, but you don’t have to waste energy thinking about that. You have an opportunity, now that you’re both ‘giving it another go’, to slowly get things in order, organise clear lines with regards who owns/owes what. Any financial hits you may have to take will have to be accepted, take this opportunity to get them as low as possible. If you want to comfort yourself, there is always someone who has done worse. And the important point, you’re wasting mental energy thinking of yourself in the first person, ie: “I’m a mug”, “I can’t not resent her” etc.. disassociate your mind from these thought patterns and focus only on the objective nature of the things under your control. You’re doing the right thing, and in the end you’ll benefit from being able to go through an otherwise difficult process without being hard on yourself.

You need to see a solicitor. 12 years together would not be under in England the short marriage rules. Make sure the debt owed to your mother is in writing signed by her.

Then add together all equity in the house and take off any debts either of you have and that gives you your joint net assets - it doesn't matter who put what in in divorce law in most cases. Then you will see the amount to be divided between the two of you were the house sold.

You dont' have to tell us what that net estate is of the two of you once all debts come off, but if £40k is half of that then your wife is wrong to reject it as derisory. My ex could not afford to buy me out and I could afford to buy him out of the house (I earn a lot more and we both work full time) so I bought him out. He was adivsed not to move out until court sealed financial consent order and property transfer to me and money into his account - only then did he leave.

Could you divided the hose into two parts? Some people manage that and it can be a solution if there are intracable problems and it would not be easy to buy anywhere else due to lack of funds.

You nboth might need to return to full time work and share childcare costs 50/50 to cover the costs of two households in due course too.

Don't move out and see a solicitor evenv if just paying for one hour of advice.

Xenia's advice is spot on.12 years and 2 children means you need to work on solutions that allow you both to move on in separate homes.

As you both work 50% then finances & childcare should be straight forward.

Forget the deposit, that will be just put in the pool of assets as housing needs for both parties is needed.

What is total equity? Are there pensions?

Total the whole pot and agree 50/50. This will enable you both to move on emotionally. Also with young children it will be easier for them.

@Norman1980

Create a table of financial assets / debts brought to / before and during / after marriage.

Then create a timeline of your history / relationship.

Print off as much as you can to prove the above.

Then go see a solicitor.

50% only applies to assets gained during marriage. You brought a lot more to it.

Given the marriage was quite long (over 5 years in your case), an argument could be made for equal sharing.

However i would argue a non equal share because you brought a lot more which wasn't earned as a fruit of the marriage itself.