Need to separate but can't find the strength

[whynot93]

Is it normal to plod along knowing you need to go it alone? I'm so scared! I have a whole back story to this worthy of a best selling book but for some reason I'm just not strong enough to quit this sham of a marriage (I'm no longer married in my head). I'm almost a year on from my initial 'finding out' and I'm seriously concerned for my own mental health right now. Could really do with some words of encouragement..

What is tying you to this marriage? Is it financial security? Is it children?

I did this. I sent in the divorce application the week I found out, got the decree nisi stage on autopilot - and then wobbled badly for over a year before finalising it with consent order and absolute. Living with two possible futures, and being afraid of them both, was exhausting. I posted on here about my own metal health during that period. Now I am actually divorced I feel well. I still grieve a little for the marriage I would have liked to have had but i feel much more certain the decision was the right one.

What is it that you are scared about? For me it was the effect on the kids and I built up the whole thing of telling them until I just couldn't do it. But that was ok too.

I feel the same way as you OP. A year from discovering H’s affair I am more certain than ever that I want to leave but I’m worried about the kids and finances. If I was given the option of continuing my life exactly as it is, but without him, I would take it in a heartbeat.

I’m worried both about the kids’ reaction and giving up time with them. Financially, H is a high earner, but I work PT in a job that fits in brilliantly with the children. I’d be happy to increase my hours but I don’t want to leave the job and go back to a corporate one, which would mean me seeing even less of the kids than I will anyway in a shared parenting situation.

After Xmas I’m planning to bite the bullet and officially separate though as the thought of being in a loveless marriage for over a decade (until kids reach 18) is even more unpalatable than the above.

If it helps, these are some of the things I’m looking forward to when we do separate: no longer having to live a lie, making all my own decisions, going back to my maiden name (never liked my married name), not having to check up on H and wonder if he is where he says he is, not having to agonise over the decision anymore, having some time to myself, not having sex when I don’t want it, sleeping in bed by myself and the possibility of finding love again...

I’ve plodded along for at least 10yrs! Situation at home is unbearable. DD15 has some issues that are difficult to deal with and H just adds to it. I know I need to leave but am so worn down that I don’t know if I have the strength to deal with it. Been married 35 years and H is 67. Is it fair to leave him on his own at his time of life? ( I’m 57) worried I won’t cope with DD on my own. She is demanding and manipulative. I am on a NVR course at the moment to help deal with this. If I leave I have to take DD with me. Her and her dad do NOT get on at all so leaving without her is not an option. I alternate between thinking I can do this and then I feel I can’t go through with out. I have a viewing of a rental property booked for Tuesday but don’t know if I will go. DD is aware of this and is pushing to leave but is this all part of her manipulation as then she would have me all to herself. The NVR worker has confirmed that my daughters relationship with me is one of child to parent domestic/ emotional abuse. How do I get my life back?

I need to leave. I have lived in abusive marriage for 9 years. He is controlling financially and has threatened to leave every week for the duration of the marriage. Infront of the kids walks out yelling he is leaving and leaves them in tears. Calls me a bitch spits in my face calls me a whore, accuses me of cheating, tells me I am a bad mother a bad wife, lazy, useless when I had health issues, tells me he only stays for the kids, that we are coparenting, that he will get a second wife. Kids are 4 and 7 and I just started studying a course to get into a university. He is making life hard and unbearable so I told him it’s over and I want him to move out. The threats start.... he will make life difficult for me, he will kill me, he will steal the children if I dont let him see them when he wants, he will leave us and not bother to see us, he won’t help on the days I work he won’t look after them on the days I have booked evenings out- I have 0 savings, 0 money for babysitters. He gives £130 per week to cover food and petrol. He pays all the bills. I top up the food with my part time 2 day a week job and all that money is gone on stuff the kids need and college stuff. I am constantly in debt. If I ask for money or dare use the joint card he tells me I am a lazy bitch and stupid for not having a degree. That I should be working full time. I just want it to be over. Divorce means quiting my course that I will have a loan to pay on. I can barely function to study. Divorce means no uni and no career. Other than an admin job which isn’t going to help me get a mortgage. Local house prices 400k for 2/3 beds. Don’t want to rip kids out of school they know as well...... he is not a high earner, but I can’t live like this anymore. If I am lucky there will be 200k from divorce and sale of house.... but it’s still better than this life with him 😔 what is better? Leave the course now or see it through til July even though I am struggling and he is making it hard for me? Or should I ask for deferring and if not then a refund on the remainder? Any advice welcome, please don’t be mean thanks 🙏🏻

Could have written this post myself. It’s a year since I found out about H’s affair. Thought I’d feel better by now. I’m torn between staying and building a life for myself within the marriage or starting over again without him. I love him but can’t get over it but I know the DCs will be devestated if we split.

Same here @whynot93 I spent a long time just getting on with it - years - eventually we've had lots of counselling, to address his anger and EA issues. He is much better now - but after initially feeling really happy he'd "seen the light" it's not making me feel any different. So I don't think there's any way back. I don't know if I can do it. But can I do this to the kids? I don't think he'll be reasonable. I feel sick thinking about it and scared he's right that I'm being unreasonable - and I'll regret a split.

For me it's the constant mind games in my head, one minute I'm ok and thinking things are improving.. the next I need to get away from him and go it alone with the kids. He told some terrible lies, he hid so much from me that I just can't forgive. We have two young children and looking after them takes all my strength these days.. they would be devastated if our family was broken in two I just can't do it to them. I still love my husband but no longer respect him, he's not the man I married! He's a liar and selfish man who happily sat back and watched me crumble with all the worry he caused. Of course now he's deeply sorry but it just doesn't cut it for me. If I could press a button and be rid of him and still have the financial stability and two happy kids I'd do it in a heartbeat. I fantasise about winning the lottery and never telling him.. I'd pack a bag for me and the kids and move very far away forever. Sad but true. 🙁 I never signed up for this, I feel totally betrayed by him. I'm also embarrassed you his actions, everyone sees him as this fabulous husband it infuriates me inside. One day.. just maybe I'll get myself out of this. Hugs to you all, I know how hard it is.

My DCs are older. And the thing is - the older they are the more they see... And I wish I'd had the guts to deal with things years ago, when they wouldn't have been as aware. Sounds like it's been tough with your DH OP. Mine is also now very sorry. But why couldn't he have been sorry over all these years he's been angry and selfish and the rest. He spent so long telling me I was wrong, it didn't happen that way, I (or DCs) were to blame.

I got out of a horrible relationship 10 days ago. The end was bad but I am happier and even though I know things will not be straightforward with ex and children/money/still trying to control things I can shut my door and feel free. My children seem more relaxed. Don’t stay.

Well done @Anxiousandtearful I wish you peace and happiness.

I don't intend to stay in this situation forever but I'm going to have to play the long game.. I did something productive today and set out a plan of little steps I can take to ensure me and the children would be comfortable if and when I do take the plunge. So sad there are so many in the same situation, I hope we all find a way to move on at some point.

Just want to say I feel your pain. I have been there. My husband had an affair, the lies were pathological after discovering the affair was still continuing I have kicked him out and am getting a divorce. What advice can I give if you decide to leave.. I guarantee you and the children will be fine. Be prepared to be there for them 100% and put your life on hold for a little while. Me and my children have a closer bond than ever it's hard doing it all by yourself but it does get easier as time passes.

Thanks for the advice, always encouraging to hear others success stories. I'm used to going it alone, I spent 18 months with the children solely in my care whilst my husband worked away (and lived a double life it now transpires).

I'm having awful flashbacks, it's like someone is replaying a video in my mind. I'm waking in the morning and a snip-it will ping into my head.. I know it's not normal. How do I stop it?! I've discussed it with my husband and tried to make him see the hurt he's caused, I honestly do think he's sorry but that just isn't good enough for me.

whynot93 I logged in tonight to post almost exactly the same thing, and found your post. It's coming up to a year since I discovered it, and I've just discovered something else. I feel broken, but so broken that I can't imagine how I find the strength to make the decision to walk away. I know I and my child would be ok financially - not brilliant, but ok - but I also know that it would be the most awful year or so working it all out, and whilst my child is very young he adores his dad and lights up every time he walks in the door. I just don't know how I can put myself together enough to take that first step.

@PlayingStately I can totally relate to what you are saying. The waves of highs and lows going through me is mental torture! I think if I was 10 years younger I'd walk.. at 40+ is it even worth it. I won't ever trust anyone ever again and have no desire to find love elsewhere. I could just plod along but some days I'm finding that pretty unbearable if I'm honest. If you are younger get yourself out of there 🙌 go and live life free of this heartache and do it with your head held high as it was not YOUR doing.

I’m another one plodding on for the sake of the kids. Been married 7 years and two DC. DH hasn’t cheated but we’ve had endless problems since being together and I’m just in a loveless and very unhappy marriage which gets me very down. He’s a good man I think, he works hard to support us but he has a lot of issues and is extremely moody most of the time and angry. He has outbursts every so often where he will tell me that it’s not working and there’s nothing there and that he’s leaving but he never goes. There is just nothing there in my marriage, it feels like we are so far apart and too different. We don’t have any fun together, there is no fire or passion and I don’t think I am in love with him at all but I am too scared to leave because of how crushed the children would be and also I have my job up after having our second child and am terrified of not being able to support myself financially. I just think it’s so sad to waste your life on someone when it’s clearly not right and not working. If I could have the life I have now, but with a different man I would be very happy.

I’m very similar in that been going through the motions for years for sake of kids but now find myself feeling it’s over & it would be a relief to admit that but youngest about to embark on mocks then GCSEs. So torn over whether to hold on in a tense household or make the break - the stakes are too high for her future 🙁 DH is very narcissistic & would not help her situation. Completely torn.

whynot93 don't let age hold you back, you can create a great life for yourself at any time.

Whatever happens I know I can't leave now. If I were to end things, he would have to leave the country, if I stay he soon gets permanent residency. I simply cannot carry the burden of forcing my child to grow up in a different country to his father. So, I'll try and put things in place - pay off debts, build myself a good friendship circle, aim for a work promotion - which will make it possible to leave in the future.

I vary wildly, sometimes I am so full of anger, and other times I'm quite content. It's cathartic writing things down, I've not told anyone anything in real life.

@whynot93 I can relate to you post. I plodded along for over 10 years. My marriage was also abusive apart from the fact that we had loads of other problems. I was scared to leave and posted many times on mumsnet. And many times I almost left but I would give in to my fears and stay and try even harder to make it work. I was worried about the finances and breaking my children's heart (they adore STBXH).

Few months ago, things got to a head and he left. He comes to see the children almost everyday and I find that difficult because he still his abusive self when he comes around. I just wish contact time with the kids were officially sorted like last year. (He insists on seeing the kids everyday).

It is financially difficult. It is hard for the children. But it is so the best thing for us all that he left. It is a seriously difficult time right now and even though lots of times I feel i am not strong enough to continue, I find myself wishing I had left years ago. Even with all the current difficulties, I am struggling to forgive myself for not leaving years ago.

The start of peace of mind (he is still around).. the start of the peace of mind I can see I will have, the chance that I could love my kids freely without someone's watchful eye telling me how I am spoiling them, the chance that my children can see me happy and we can do fun things together without it being cancelled by the fun police (who then takes them to do the very fun thing I had planned for us all to do together as a family), the chance that I could go out without coming back to insults and sulks, the chance that I can make my own decisions, decide where to spend Christmas.. explore things without being bullied out of it and being told I am abnormal etc. I can see that time coming and I am desperate for it.

Please, don't let fear hold you back. Make your best plans and then take the plunge. I am beginning to think that our fears are sometimes worse than the actual thing. Sometimes. But what I am holding on to is the reassurance various Mners have given me 'this too will pass' 'it will get better'.

Sorry, I went on a bit.
Make your best plans then take the plunge.

I too thought about making a break for freedom for a long time, I think it's very common.
I found it a viscous circle, the more my marriage ground me down, the more obvious it became that we should split, but the less strength I felt for actually doing it.
I'm now divorcing, he is still in the house, but I am daring to look forward to a future with him gone and it will become a 'home' in the true sense of the word. I know that my DC will thrive once this toxic atmosphere is over. The more I inch towards it, the more I believe it's the right decision.

Therapy helped, someone else objectively telling me that his behaviour was unreasonable, and telling me that I am a kind person really helped. Having a plan in place also helped, seeing a solicitor (for a free 30 minute consultation) so I knew what I could do to help myself helped, it took the uncertainty of his reaction out of the equation.
Telling friends and family helped. Armour yourself with all the support you can. Good luck