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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Wife asking daughter to lie to dad about new relationship

5 replies

donduello · 06/11/2018 22:50

Okay, so my wife walked out on me 6 months ago and left me to care singlehandedly for two children (3 and 8) for 6 weeks. She then rented a house and we agreed on shared care 50/50. She then came back to me pleading for forgiveness, she wanted me back, was going to change etc.. We agreed that we would both work to become better individuals before committing to being a couple again, and give it until Christmas. 5 weeks ago we both went away for the night and talked openly and honestly and reconnected. It was perfect, and we agreed we continue doing what we are doing but it was looking increasingly like we could try again. At no point did we communicate this to the kids as we didnt want to confuse them.

4 weeks after our weekend away, she told me, whilst the kids were present, that she has filed for divorce, that she has met someone else, doesn't want me anymore, and that she is really happy. She had met the new guy 1 week after our weekend away.

So, it later transpired thay she had published her new relationship on social media, used the debit card from the joint account (which contained only my money used for paying the bills for the family home she walked out of) to pay for the celebratory champagne used as the backdrop for the social media announcement.

I then had my 8 year old daughter break down in tears, but refusing to tell me why.
Turns out its because her mum had told her a week earlier she had a new boyfriend, and that she musnt tell me about him. She had to keep the secret for a week.

That same day, she was introduced to the new boyfriend (as was the 3 year old but he's oblivious), at her mum's house, then taken to view another house where she was told mummy was moving there with new boyfriend, and his two children, and that she would be sharing a bedroom with his daughter whom she hasn't met yet.

I have had the kids this week and my 8 year old daughter is an emotional wreck. She says she feels sad when she sees the new guy, that mummy keeps lying to her, and that she doesnt want to see him.

I have tried to contact my ex about this but she has blocked me on everything so can't. I even messaged the new partner through Facebook to say Iim sure hes a nice guy and i'd like to meet him if he's going to be playing a material part in my children's life, but he blocked me also. Now I have an upset 8 year old due to go to her mum's tomorrow but doesn't want to go in case the new boyfriend is there, but I've no way of contacting her to talk about this.

If anyone has any suggestions how I can resolve this, I'd love to hear them - I have requested a mediation appointment with my ex ( prior to her blocking me) so that we can discuss the situation but she has just ignored me.

OP posts:
Villagelifer · 07/11/2018 04:45

It all sounds very complicated and the children being involved in all of it is horrible.
I don't have much expertise but personally, unless there is a court order, the children come first and I would want them to feel happy and secure, so I wouldn't push them to go somewhere they don't want to go with someone they don't know when very little time was given to them to adjust.
I would be seeking legal advice as your soon to be ex does not appear to want to co parent amicably.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 07/11/2018 04:52

I would seek legal advice and try to get custody of your children

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 05:15

I’m so sorry you and your DC are going through this.

Leaving is one thing, abandoning the kids for a couple of months, making DD lie to you, then moving them in with a bloke she’s just met is quite another. No fucking way would I make DD go if she didn’t want to until I had no option legally, and trust me, I’d drag that process out for as long as possible. I’d allow her to visit a couple of times a week IF DD wanted it, and not if she didn’t. DS will be OK with you as his constant, especially if DD is happy,

Make her take you to court. Truly. Stop being so accommodating because it’s not helping your DC.

And impress upon your DD that she NEVER has to lie or keep secrets for ANYONE. That she can tell YOU anything. Anyone telling her to lie or keep secrets from YOU doesn’t have HER best interests at heart and it could place her in danger. That no matter what they threaten, it’s ALWAYS OK to tell you anything and she should ESPECIALLY if she’s told not to, because there’s only bad reasons for keeping things from you.

celticmissey · 07/11/2018 06:02

If your daughter does not want to go keep her with yo.She needs stability and to feel safe.Tellung her to lie is emotionally abusive.Also you know nothing about this new man and I suspect your wife doesn't know that much either. Gets good family law solicitor who will advise you on orders for your children.

Your kids emotional well being comes first.Make sure the school is aware so they can support your dd. The family court will look at you putting your kids first. Kids find comfort in proper routines and feeling safe .

donduello · 08/11/2018 11:22

Thanks for the replies - having now seen a family solicitor it seems thare is literally nothing I can do! I have been advised to request mediation, but unfortunately it remains her decision how she chooses to care for the children whilst they are with her. Its also highly likely that I will be forced to sell our family home, as i wont be able to to take on the mortgage in my name only, so even more upheaval ahead for the children.

So I guess all I can do is shower them both with reassurance, stability and love.

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