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12 replies

Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 18:39

Need some advice please, divorcing my husband and he has the older two (2&1) every other weekend. The thing is son came home today with a really bad bruise on his back and what looks like a grab mark on his lower arm.
I asked my ex how it happened and he said he fell down the stairs, so I asked did he grab him and he said no it must have happened during the fall.
However, my son keeps saying ‘daddy nasty’ and showing me his back where the bruise is.
My ex is known for violence as he was violent towards when we were together. I’m not sure what to do or who to believe. I know if it goes to court then he’ll be granted contact anyway. I’m just not sure what to do. I have taken pictures and the bruise is quite nasty.

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Seren96 · 04/11/2018 18:44

It's a difficult one, is there any chance your child could be picking up on conversations you're having in his presence and then because he's hurt himself at his dads is now making a link and vocalising 'daddies nasty' because of this? If not then I'd seek legal advice or advice from your health visitor. Just be sure that you aren't perhaps saying things that could be influencing the child's perception as if they do speak to the child and it comes out mummy says he's nasty then that could cause issues. To me, I'd say trust your instinct it's your child. And I'd have to question if you don't trust your ex to have your son - why you are in the first place. The child always comes first and if you have any doubts / evidence of past DV court may be the best option.

Seren96 · 04/11/2018 18:55

... the only reason I asked this is because "daddy's nasty" seems like a strange sentence to leave a child's mouth, especially a child so young with a limited vocabulary if they're aged 2 and 1, is that correct?

Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 19:05

Thanks for your message. The thing is I never bad mouth his dad and especially not around my children we get on reasonably well as he visits our baby so it’s much easier to just go on as friends rather than battling amongst each other. His dad was violent in front of him a couple of times so he has witnessed this but I haven’t so far seen any negative effect of this. The only time i say nasty is when him and my middle child (1) argue over toys and I say ‘stop being nasty’ or something similar so he may just be linking that word in with that. It may have been a complete accident and although my ex has history of dv I don’t think he’d hurt the kids but then he surprised me in a lot of ways when we were together.
I didn’t have any doubt at all until my ex said he didn’t grab him yet he has grab marks, that’s what’s worrying me. I also asked him if he had him checked as it’s right near his ribs and looks sore but he never did.
I guess i’ll just start documenting it and put this down as an ‘accident’ but speak to someone abiut advice on what to do. Then when the next weekend he has them comes around see how it goes. He seems distressed since he got home but my little girl was giggling

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Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 19:08

I completely get where you are coming from, but ever since he heard that word everyone’s nasty, mummy’s nasty if I don’t give him chocolate. His other favourite word is naughty which he picked up from his dads and I haven’t stopped hearing it since 🤦🏼‍♀️

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Seren96 · 04/11/2018 19:09

It is a really tricky one. Please don't think I was trying to discredit your concern / worries. I've been through court myself and access wasn't granted. I just remember my solicitor / CAFCASS reminding us both as parents to not be critical of the other in front of the children. Children can quickly take on wording / phrases parents use. I think if you genuinely don't feel he would hurt the kids then put it down to an accident but if you have any doubts at all then as a parent you have to act on it. My youngest is 5 now and occasionally still has a warped perception on injuries , for example another child was mean etc and I've visually seen sometimes it isn't the whole truth. I'd document everything, and be clear with your partner that because of your history you will be keeping an eye perhaps ( without being accusatory ) as that could be potentially putting yourself in a dangerous situation if he's been violent to you in the past. X

Seren96 · 04/11/2018 19:12

Plus it's so hard sometimes to not say things innocently to another adult thinking little ears aren't listening. I've had it myself where I've said something and then my son has repeated it ( not bad about his father ) but generally about a day out or a surprise or something and it'll be .... youuuuuu said x

Seren96 · 04/11/2018 19:14

I think if you did go to court, the worrying facts are that you're saying he's hurt himself and he didn't get him checked / tell you immediately to make a joint decision on it. These would potentially be grounds for no contact / limited contact sorry for 3rd message!!

Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 19:18

icdont really want to go through the whole court process and we are both generally happy with the arrangements, I will just monitor etc and see how it goes. I doubt it’s anything bad just there’s that 1/2% that’s niggling away at me. And I know kids definitely change the story around to get attention or to make themselves look better, I remember doing it as a kid 😂
Definitely true about the little ears listening because he’ll repeat things to me, nothing bad but just come out with it and i’m like you were meant to be sleeping 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thanks for replying xx

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Seren96 · 04/11/2018 19:20

Yes the court process was emotionally challenging and upsetting for everyone involved. I think sometimes it's a positive ( like in my case ) and sometimes it isn't needed. Good luck with it all. Just trust your instincts. Mummy instinct is usually right :) xx

RandomMess · 04/11/2018 19:20

I would be taking him to the GP to have the bruises noted and share your concerns tbh.

Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 19:21

Didn’t see your third message before hitting send. I have told him I’m not happy that he didn’t tell me straight away to make a decision. He just said he just decided to stay in and monitor him but I would have preferred to have known. I guess the only positive of this is we literally live within a 10 minute walk of each other and the hospital is in between our houses so it wouldn’t have taken long for me to get there had he decided to take him

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Drawtheline14 · 04/11/2018 19:26

Thank you for your message @random. I think i’m Taking him tomorrow, or ringing for advice only to check that everything is okay because it’s a nasty bruise and it’s right on the rib area x

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