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Worried about abusive grandparents

9 replies

porkarooney · 30/10/2018 12:18

Hi all, so I am in the beginning of a separation from my husband of 9 years.
We have 2 children together, 7 and 6 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship age 12.
6 years ago my husband and I cut all contact with his parents due to abuse and manipulation towards us and the children. It was very messy, very toxic and has since opened a can of worms with my husband realising how abusive they were to him as a child. Emotional abuse, religious abuse, emotional incest to name but a few. He has been in therapy since, trying to work through this and we have had a tough few years trying to help each other through many issues (I have my own too). I would say it has contributed massively to the failing of our marriage.

We are both amicable and realise that we don't bring the best out in each other despite years of counselling and therapy it just isn't working.

My problem and biggest fear (and probably what has kept me hanging on to this relationship so long) is that if we aren't together he may try to establish a relationship with my youngest children to his parents.

He is adamant that he would never expose them to his parents because of his own childhood trauma but on occasions in the past when we have had trial separations he has said he was thinking about striking up a relationship with them again...mainly because of guilt and no other family support.

I honestly don't think he would introduce them for the near future but I am fearful that if he re establishes his own relationship with them again and they start manipulating him all over again he will back down to please them over keeping his kids safe.

I feel utterly terrified that my children may be exposed to these people that have caused so much suffering in mine, my husband and my children's lives (my 12 year old is petrified of my mil).

Do I have a leg to stand on if this potential outcome does happen? Would I be able to protect them?

OP posts:
porkarooney · 30/10/2018 19:41

Any advice anyone? 🙏

OP posts:
sayhellotothelittlefella · 30/10/2018 19:45

I don’t have much helpful advice to offer I’m sure there are others who will but didn’t want to read and run. Did they show signs of being abusive to their GC? I know my DM is very different with her GC from how she was with us.

porkarooney · 30/10/2018 19:57

Thanks. Yes, they did. My 12 year old is still traumatised by some things she witnessed when she was younger. It was the main reason we cut contact.

OP posts:
sayhellotothelittlefella · 30/10/2018 21:30

I can see how that would be such a worry. I have no experience of this but lots of people in relationships seem to be really knowledgable about this sort of thing. You might get more replies there. Maybe try asking to move your post over there. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful pork

porkarooney · 30/10/2018 22:42

Thank you, I'll give that a go.

OP posts:
Jux · 31/10/2018 16:38

Have you seen a solicitor? It might be that you would have more success while you and ex are amicable and he is of the same mind as you re his parents.

Do see if HQ can move this to Relationships.

porkarooney · 31/10/2018 19:07

Thanks Jux. An app booked for next week so will try and get something sorted. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
AnyaaaaaaaaaaaarghMumsnet · 01/11/2018 09:22

Hi there OP,

Would you like us to move this to relationships? It's a bit more active, and we think it might be a bit more relevant to your post.

ClaireAngelaReid · 01/11/2018 22:02

Whilst it’s all still friendly get a restraining order against the grandparents- my ex has done exactly this with MY abusive mother. Won’t allow contact with my father, who wasn’t brilliant tbh but not as bad as her, but actively sought out the woman who beat me black and blue with a leather belt because there’s two sides to every story apparently

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