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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

dealing with contact and not being a toxic parent

4 replies

disneyspendingmoney · 28/10/2018 22:48

Hello,

I guess this has been asked before so if you could point me in the right direction I'd be greatful.

The children had their first supervised contact this week, my ex is a bipolar alcoholic with a side order if self harm, manipulation, gaslighting and that one where they blame everyone else because it's our/my fault because we drive them to drink.

I have to handle questions from the kids and I don't want to answer in a toxic way, mainly because I'm carrying a crap tonne of internalised resentment and I find myself saying. We'll talk about it when your older, ignoring it completely or starting to say something and then stopping because I catch myself about to be bitter and inappropriate.

I dunno what to do it who to ask for help, the kids have been in emotional meltdown since and I don't know what I should do? I know I won't be able to engage in a reasonable conversation with my ex and I'm quite weak and easily manipulated, which doesn't help. And then I get frustrated angry when I realise I've been gaslighted yet again.

So what should I do? My gut is telling me not to talk to the kids at all and stick my fingers in my ears and go lalala - but that's not right.

Thanks for understanding

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2018 22:51

How old are the kids?

disneyspendingmoney · 29/10/2018 10:56

12 & 14

OP posts:
FreakForHummous · 29/10/2018 11:06

Have you looking into accessing support through Social Services Early help scheme or other local sources? They may be able to help.

I was told to be careful not to bad mouth ex (DV situation) but not to deny facts either as it's important that children feel validated and their experiences are not denied. It's also important that they learn to distinguish between "normal" healthy behaviour and toxic behaviour.

It sounds like a very difficult situation to navigate and that you are doing the best you can for your children 

disneyspendingmoney · 29/10/2018 16:25

Well I'm going to be on the SPIP as ordered by the court and I've bought nonviolent communication by Marshal Rosenberg, plus I get counselling from the support group of family and carers of Alcoholics and Addicts. But it all feels like it focuses on me, not teaching me how to say the wrong thing

OP posts:
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