My world has ended

[L05t]

I've just been told of this forum so looking for any help and advice. My other half around October last year informed me that the love had gone. We since have been trying to work on our marriage via counselling. I have never felt that they really wanted it but feel they participated to say that they tried. I do everything in the house unless I ask them specific tasks. I do everything for our child. The week that should have been our 13th wedding anniversary I got told that they see no way forward and seperation is the only option. They love our home and dont want to leave and I can't get the mortgage in my name as I don't earn enough so need to move out. I think I've put up with a hell of a lot during our marriage, including "mid life crisis", supporting their hobbies which are expensive, managing debt they brought to the marriage not excluding the friends that were like a 3rd person in our marriage. Allowing them to live a life they want to present. Now it seems it was all for nothing, all my hopes and dreams have been torn up in front of my eyes. We have set a date to separate and tell our child which is very close. They want to wait 2 years then get a no fault divorce. I initially hoped it would be so that we could work on it but it appears that they can't live with the blame. I'm leaving everything behind but our child and they want a split custody. I want this for the child as my parents divorced at the same age and I have a very poor relationship with one of them. I'm trying to sort a financial settlement so I can look at renting another property for me and our child for when she lives with me. To top it all off they have now come to me with dates they are going out and our daughter will need to come to me if it's the others night! I'm so angry and upset. I cry all the time. I suffer badly with mental heath and anxiety. I know I've not been the easiest person at times to live with. They made me a promise and now it's broke. Can anyone suggest where I can get some help. I have limited funds but also can't get any assistance as I earn too much. I have been to citizens advice and they told me to find a solicitor. I've rang and 10 min is all I can get free. I think I'm going to have to do the legal myself! Any advice or sign posting would be happily received.

See a solicitor to know where you'll stand financially in a divorce. You'll get more responses if you post this in relationships.

Divorcing is never easy, especially with a child is involved. As pp says, talk to a lawyer. From what you have said, home life has been very strained and though it is hard to rebuild your life after so msnybyears, sometimes life is a lot easier afterwards. Doing everything when you know its just you can be more relaxing mentally than doing everything where someone else is there but has to be begged to help out. Please do not leave anything that matters to you, because years later you can still miss it.
Can you get legal assistance through work?

I think you need to post this in Legal or Relationships.

I'm not qualified but I don't think you should leave your home before you've had proper legal advice. If necessary live separately in the house but I think you are entitled to a half share at least.
Look for a legal advice centre near you.

Is the reason your soon to be ex wants shared custody so that they don't have to move out?

Thanks for your responses will repost x

Your local womens aid might be a good starting point for advice for you. Just because he makes demands about what way things should be doesnt mean you have to go along with everything he proposes. You should give yourself some time to think and get advice before you agree anything major. Good luck!

Financially you are entitled to somewhere between 50 and 75 percent of the financial resources in the relationship including pension. If he cannot raise the money to pay you off, then the property needs to be sold. Does he currently jointly raise your child because unless your partner is a hands on dad and does things like school runs and cooking I doubt he is going to want 50 50 care. How will he do school runs, does his job allow flexibility for this? On the other hand, you will find it a lot easier getting employment with some freedom from childcare responsibilities. You may also find your mental health improves when you can concentrate a bit more on yourself rather than him. There's nothing quite as depressing as being in a marriage which isn't working.

Do not move out of the property, you have matrimonial home rights. If you are looking after the children, stay put. That way you can manage the sale of the property with him. You can live separately in the marital home. That will cramp his style and make him realise you are not walking away with nothing. It's your bargaining tool. Start by getting the house valued. Be strong. The law is there to protect your rights.

Make sure that you take everything that means anything to you. I didn't and I still get angry to think that he has some of my precious things and won't give them back.

I ended up moving out. I know what you all said but I could not cope. I still can’t. I want to go back but response is it’s too soon. I need to find somewhere to live as in a family members spare room. See the dc every 4 days due to the arrangements we made. I’ve lost everything. I want to hope there will be a future for us but after a conversation, OH seems to feel this is it!

Request is for 2 year wait for divorce (no fault) but then in the next breath, saying that 2 years is a long time to be alone! If OH starts a new relationship before we petition for divorce is it adultery given we are now apart?

Yes it is adultery and you can petition for divorce on those grounds but it will only speed up the process and won't affect eventual financial settlements or childcare arrangements. You have a legal right to reside in the joint owned home. My STBX and I are currently in this situation. He left for a week but then wanted to come back to the home and I couldn't stop him. But I understand his reasoning- he didn't want to be away from the children as you are at the moment. Please get some good legal advice.

. I think I've put up with a hell of a lot during our marriage, including "mid life crisis", supporting their hobbies which are expensive, managing debt they brought to the marriage not excluding the friends that were like a 3rd person in our marriage. Allowing them to live
Hi OP just found these thread so understand you may have moved on from this but a couple things jumped out at me from this.
You seemed to have bent over backwards for this man while he has just walked all over you.
Also this 3rd person 'friend' is it a woman?
As for the 2 years no blame divorce I opted for one of those. (I'm just not vindictive)
Is this because he has an ow / in the wings and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy?
It all seems so calculated.
And also he now bleating about
A long time to be on his own?
Is there someone in the wings saying they won't have a relationship with him until he's divorced?
Most women keep living in the house while the x husband pays maintenance.
All seems a bit fishy somehow.