Bad environment

[Sandwich1985]

I have a friend who’s marriage has broken down. They have 2 daughters and are still living together (in separate rooms). She wants to move out but he wants the children to live with him citing that she works full time. He is unemployed and on benefits. She wants children to go with her. What is the best way to proceed?

She needs to stay put. If she leaves then he could claim the child benefit, any other benefit relating to children and maintenance from her for the children as he would be resident parent. She may also have a fight on her hands when it comes to where the children will eventually live, he will cite that he should be resident parent as she works full time. Your friend needs to speak to a solicitor.

Even if she took children with her, would he still be able to claim child benefit? The children go to nursery and school while she is at work re resident parent thing.

Surely it can be right to say that if you are unemployed you get residency, what example does that set?! She can provide for her children where as he can’t or can at the tax payers expense.

Should say can’t be right

How can it be right to force the children to live in a toxic environment after a marriage has failed?

If your friend moves out and leaves the children with the father providing overnight care then the father is the resident parent at that point in time. Child benefit goes to the parent who the child resides with. The children have a right to a relationship with both parents irrelevant of his financial circumstances, if there were a fight for residency the starting point tends to be 50/50 and you negotiate from there. As i said your friend needs a solicitors advice and i agree making children live in a toxic atmosphere is not fair but there are countless children living in these conditions even when a marraige has not failed.

As I said she would take children with her so no overnight care

He claims disability allowance, could she not claim he is simply not fit enough to cope with managing two young girls day to day?

Well, one person's "unemployed and on benefits" is another person's "full time father".

Where she's lucky is that she is a woman, because a man in this position is screwed - often a "full time mother" would now insist the man move out and if they didn't would allege domestic abuse. The man has no choice but to either roll over and do everything demanded or run a gauntlet of allegations. Then at the end of it face family courts hostile to fathers sharing care in conflict situations and a financial court which favours "the vulnerable primary caregiver".

The good news is that this is unlikely to happen in your case as family courts, Cafcass, the police, schools and social services all tend to side with the female more often than not. She should try to mediate a solution in the first instance and if no agreement should do a c100 application.

In a man's case he would be unlikely to get a 50:50 shared arrangement in these circumstances, but I'm not sure how it plays out if you're a woman. I don't know the implications of her just moving out and taking the children with her, but it would be a catastrophic mistake for a man to do so.

They need to see a solicitor- just because she wants them all the time doesn't mean she can have that- he is their father, and probably wants them all the time too. They need to come to an agreement about it, through mediation.

It wouldn’t be all the time he would have access naturally

Surely it can be right to say that if you are unemployed you get residency, what example does that set?! She can provide for her children where as he can’t or can at the tax payers expense.

Would you say that about a SAHM?

Exactly. He is in a strong position if he wants to be main resident parent. She needs to see a solicitor and begin mediation.

It doesn't work like that and using someone's disability against them rarely works either.

The father doesn't work and so the mother is the main breadwinner, this means the father has time to care for the children. He can argue that as he is in the family home the children should stay there to have continual stability and as he doesn't work he can provide more than 50% of their care. It could then end up with him working part-time, the mother paying maintenance and the mother seeing the kids EOW. Just because your friend is female doesn't mean judges automatically award in their favour.

Mothers who have less than 50% care of their children rarely come out in public to say so due to society's condemnation of them. I've known kids who the main carer is their father all my life but it isn't talked about openly.

Anyway your friend needs to start mediation - she can find a family mediator herself, do the court stuff herself if needed but ask a solicitor for ad-hoc advice - and she needs to stay put in the family home until child arrangements are agreed. Ideally everything can be agreed without going to court.

If she then moves out she needs to be initially - for over a year - be as near to the family home as possible to avoid disruption to the children.