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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Taking daughter on holidays

20 replies

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 18:33

Hi,

I don’t usually post here and I’m looking for help and advice as I really don’t know what to do in this situation.

To cut a long story short, my stbxh has my daughter overnight one set day in the week and every Saturday. Sometimes this changes if we need to swap etc but try to keep to routine as best we can.

My daughter and I are about to move in with my new partner in 4 weeks and we are pushing to change the child arrangements to every other weekend so that we can plan trips away with daughter without it overriding my stbxh’s time with her.

Anyway, about a month ago, I told my stbxh that myself and my partner were planning on taking my dd away for the weekend in November. He was adamant that he did not want this as it was cutting into “his” day with her (again, another reason that the alternative weekend idea would work).

We have decided to book anyway, as me and my stbxh have always said we would be able to take our dd away for holidays. I have taken her on a few holidays, all cutting into “his” time and this has never been a problem.

Anyway, since I’ve told him about this trip in a few weeks, he is demanding that she doesn’t go on that day, during his time with her, and is even suggesting he looks into taking out a court order in the future to stop me taking her away in his days. I haven’t spoken to my partner about this yet, as I don’t feel it is fair for my partner to be dragged into this and have my partners life dictated my my ex. I am always fair with him but I feel like I don’t know what to do. It is causing me so much anxiety as I know my new partner will be so upset so I am trying to work out a Solution before saying anything. My sister and brother are telling me to just take her anyway and thinkbhe is totally absurd in even trying to tell me where and when I can take her away.i guess I am worried about the consequences if I do.

Looking for some advice please. Thanks so much for reading :)

OP posts:

mamatomjl · 22/10/2018 18:40

Take your daughter on holiday !! And tell your stupid ex if he has a problem to take you to court!! .... they will give him 1 day a week and every other full weekend so tell him to buzz if he's only ruining his daughters fun no one else's

Seniorschoolmum · 22/10/2018 18:48

Take her anyway, but email your ex and offer him extra time with his dd in the previous weekend, or the weekend after. That way, the court will see that you have tried to reach a sensible compromise.

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 18:48

Thanks for this! This is what everyone is telling me to do! I just always have this fear that he will go to court and I don’t want the courts involved. I think he is looking into getting a court order which he wants to prevent me from taking her on his days unless there is several months notice. It’s redicoous really. I’m always frightened that he will try to go for 50/50 custody or worse if I don’t comply with him. I am so fair with him, he is usually a decent bloke but he seems to think I am selfish by taking her away and have no regard for him.

My partner wants to do things as a family, I understand his rights as a father and respect them but I cannot please everyone.

I’m always frightened the courts will favour him as he is financially more stable, and I have run up debt wince we split, doing nice things with my daughter and my new partner and paying all the household bills (including his mortgage) on my own!

OP posts:

mamatomjl · 22/10/2018 18:55

@Nj1208 a court will never side with either parent unless one of you is putting her at significant risk. Especially don't take children away from their mother unless it is absolutely necessary. Like PP said just sent and email/ text saying I understand you are upset as she is normally with you on Saturday, you are more than welcome to have her the Friday weekend before or after to make up for it. And then he won't have a leg to stand on, even better if he says no then he will look like a right nob in front of a judge!

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 19:20

I just don’t get why I can’t stand up to him. I also feel guilty for not sharing his response with my partner but I am trying damage control.

I love my new partner very much and don’t want to cause stress

OP posts:

knowledgeofnone · 22/10/2018 19:34

So because you want to go away for weeks with your new partner your ex is expected to start seeing your child every 2nd week and be fine when you want to change it last min... to be honest if I was your ex I would be pretty pissed too. I'm sure there is give and take on both sides but I'm seeing where ex is coming from with this.

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 19:42

No this isn’t the case at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 19:42

I want the alternate weekends so that I get a full weekend with my daughter

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 22/10/2018 19:45

EOW is the most common arrangement and you have nothing to fear if he takes you to court.

Make sure you keep a paper trail ( eg emails) to show you being reasonable.

As regards the upcoming trip just go.

Ginger1982 · 22/10/2018 19:49

What would happen if he wanted to take her away for a full weekend on 'your' days? I would say take her but offer increased contact before or after.

mytieisascarf · 22/10/2018 19:50

I honestly don't think that every weekend arrangements ever really work. The parent who has the child all week gets all the hard parenting work and none of the fun stuff, the weekend parent gets all the fun stuff but never gets a weekend off to go out and as the kid gets a bit older they actually want to spend time with their pals at weekend but feel like they can't because it's "dad's time". Alternate weekends with more time during the week for the non-resident parent works much better.

mytieisascarf · 22/10/2018 19:55

I have two concerns with what you have said aside from the access issue-

You say you are getting further into debt "doing nice things" for your daughter and worry that this will affect how a court sees you. The simple answer to stop it. Children don't need "nice things" they need consistent, loving parenting. Why are you paying all bills on your own and who's mortgage are you paying? Your ex's or your new partners? ANd why are you paying it?

You seem very concerned about what your new partner might think. You used phrases like damage limitation. Why are you so concerned about how he will react?

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 20:23

I am living in the house my ex husband and I shared, and I have been paying the mortgage on my own a year since last October (we split last June). The mortgage is in his name as he took it out as I had just started my business at the time and didn’t have the accounts to get a mortgage.

I am not getting further into debt now, I did run up credit card debt a few months back, booking nice things and basically over spending in the fall out of my separation after working so hard for so long and not having much financial freedom with my ex.

I am concerned about what my partner (she) will say because we have had countless discussions about how she thinks he dictates when we can go away with my daughter. I always check with him first yet she wants us to have more freedom and is also pushing for the alternative weekends.

My daughter is happier than ever, we have such a close bond and I Just want to be able to take her away for the weekend without asking permission or being stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:

mamatomjl · 22/10/2018 20:28

You need to change it to every other weekend he has her Fri-sun and book your holidays for your weekends is she in school?

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 20:49

Yes she is in school. How do I go about changing it to every other weekend if he won’t agree? We had a series of emails earlier on in the year trying to reach a compromise, he says it is not “practical” for him to have her a full weekend at the moment, as much as he would love to. And he doesn’t want to go a full weekend without seeing her either. I’ve put all my reasons forward in email and so has he, he did mention he wasn’t prepared to go to mediation and ultimately court, then we ended up sticking with the current arrangements for the time being.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 20:51

He was prepared to go to court and mediation. The whole process frightened me

OP posts:

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 20:52

Frightens me. Jeepers, blooming iPhones!

OP posts:

catmum94 · 22/10/2018 21:09

I know it's scary but if he isn't willing to budge then a court order may be the answer. It seems horrible but actually having it in writing and a strict plan will allow you both to breathe because there's no negotiating. It's not your problem having a child is inconvenient to him, maybe offer every other Saturday and an extra day in the week on top of the one he has?

Original poster

Nj1208 · 22/10/2018 21:27

Yes I did offer him to see her on the Sunday evening on the weekends he doesn’t have her, but he still won’t budge. The more I’m writing it down here, the more rediculous I can see he is being.

How would it work? How would the judge decide on access days?

OP posts:

mytieisascarf · 22/10/2018 22:26

You are being very reasonable by offering him more time. It can't be great for your child to be spending her weekends like this and you can argue that having full alternate weekends is better for her. The fact that he actually doesn't want the full weekend is pretty shitty!

Having said that it's important to avoid involving your new partner in this as much as you can. It is so important for children that their parents remain as civilised as possible when separated and one of the biggest causes of conflict is the appearance of a new partner. Her needs and wants don't override those of your child's other parent. She has no real right to complain about the arrangements you have made with your ex. They should only be changed if you, your child and/or her other parent want them changed.

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