Help me! Do I walk away....

[Diddlydo]

Morning all,

I sit here writing this whilst my husband lays in bed after returning home last night at 9pm from a 28 hour drug bender.

I have been with him for 5 years, I have a child from a previous relationship and a baby of 13 months together.

My husband every 3 months goes to the pub and doesn’t return home for 24-48 hours, taking god knows what and coming back in a state. He doesn’t make contact, he just goes and ignores any calls or texts.

He is diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and currently sees a counsellor weekly. He says the reason he does it is because it stops him feeling any sadness.

There as been times when he has been in bad situations, potentially dangerous and he quite often finds himself out with gay guys because apparently he enjoys their company but has no attraction to them, they just give him confidence.

This is getting me down everyday and I’m losing myself as a person.

If he really loved me, would someone continue to do this? Should I walk away? Is he gay? I need help please.

This is killing me inside, I need to do what’s right for my children.

There is so much more I could write but I would go on forever.

Many Thanks

Xx

Yes you should leave. Do it for your children, who deserve so much more than this. You can't help him and he will only drag you down further. If he is to fix his drug problem, it has to come from him.

I would assume he is bisexual and I think he could well be lying about what is going on sexually with these men, when he is on a bender. I advise you to get an std test.

If you knowingly continue to live with a drug abuser who gets into dangerous situations, you run the risk of those dangers coming home with him - that puts your dc at risk. You need to get your kids away before social services make the decision for you.

Thank you so much! It’s so nice to talk to someone that doesn’t know me.

I actually agree with you on the bisexual bit, I genuinely feel that being in a state on drugs anything can happen.

Everything you say is so true.

It’s just how to deal with the break up

X

What is your financial situation? I think you ought to speak to a solicitor before you do anything.
If it was me, I'd open my own bank account that he didn't know about and transfer as much money as possible, to cover the initial break up time.
If you have joint credit cards that you are the primary account holder for, then get his name taken off.
Don't move out of the house - a solicitor will advise you there.
Get copies of his pension accounts, wage slips and any assets he owns before you do anything. Your solicitor will need them.
Be prepared for him to turn nasty once you start this process. He might not but best to be ready for it.
This is an awful position to be in, but it has to be done. Maybe it will be the shock thst makes him sort himself out, but you have to plan for the worst case scenario.

We actually rent our home so I’m not overly worried about my living situation.

I have great family and friends around me who I know will support me in my decision. Some may say I shouldn’t give up but that’s the older generation and I really wouldn’t want to explain the full extent of it to them.

I worry about me and my children, how it will effect us. My eldest will be broken hearted and luckily my youngest is too young to know any different. As for me, I feel so low as it is, I am just so scared of what this will do to me.

I know it will be better for me in the long run because I think the only reason I am like this is because of his actions.

Break ups are so hard and so sad. I never asked for this and that’s what hurts so much.

The man is clearly needing to be on his own, he should be away from people until he finds himself.

I’m sorry to go on, I just can’t stop when I get started. I don’t ever talk to anyone about it as I’m so embarrassed so behind a thread it’s so much easier:

X

I think you really should talk to people in your life. It's not good for you to keep it all bottled up. And you shouldn't have to hide the truth from people - this is only happening because of his behaviour. All you are doing is protecting your children and yourself, so don't let anyone criticise you for it!
Does he have family he can stay with if you ask him to move out?
Since the property is rented, I'd enquire about getting the locks changed once he's gone, in case he goes on another bender and tries to let himself in.

Please don't be embarrassed. You haven't done anything wrong. He is the one who should feel embarrassment x

Omg. I only read the first paragraph. 28 hour bender. If it had been a 28 hour bender on anything that was making you unhappy. But drugs. Get rid of him .

I have a friend who's DP goes out every weekend for 48 hours benders, and is vile to her when she tries to call him etc. Her life is f*ing miserable. Shes 'madly in love' with him but he treats her like shit. It started off in almost exactly the same circumstances as you. Please please please don't get swept into a tsunami of despair like my friend... I honestly urge you x

Thank you so much everyone.

His family live a distance away but he has a work friend he can stay with, which I have told him he has to do tm ( which just so happens to be his birthday )

He is full of sorry now! Saying he doesn’t mean to do it, he just needs to release the sadness he feels 😡

He is promising to give up drinking... how many times have I heard that!!!!

If only we could all just disappear for 28 hours when things got tough! Who would be there to look after my children 😞

Love has blinded me for so long and I just need to be strong and focus on my future.

Xxx

He won't be able to just give up drinking, so don't be sucked in. And I suspect the drug use isn't restricted to his benders - if he takes so much that he is getting himsrlf in dangerous situations, he could well be taking smaller amounts more regularly, to keep on top of an addiction.
He needs professional help.

The older generation’s advice to stick with it and work through problems doesn’t help. Because in the end this is only going to get worse. He won’t give up, he will only hide it. He is betraying you and your children - even spending money which should be for them on drugs! Get rid.

get yourself organised and leave now, do you want your children growing up seeing this and believing it's normal?
As pp have said, talk to people around you about whats happening, don't protect him by minimizing his behaviour - you need real life support.