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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Need help, husband wants me and our 3 kids out

48 replies

3k2catsandme · 14/10/2018 00:55

My husband is a binge drinker, often verbally abusive when drinking. We work together. Now wants me and our 3 kids out the house. We have an 19 yr old boy and 13 yr old and 8 yr old girls. We own a house joint mortgage, but no equity. Joint debts of £20, 000. And obviously if we divorced I would have no job, no car etc. In debt with no way to pay it. No income. No home or deposit for rent. He would fight all the way to keep the house for himself and everything in it. I'd have no cash for a lawyer to force a sale... Not that it would achieve much since it has no equity.... Stuck.... I'm stuck and he wants us out... He says we are over... No family help... What do I do?

OP posts:

moredoll · 14/10/2018 02:10

I think the pps are right.
Getting your ducks in a row in this case means staying in the house. It's the marital home, not just his. So your home, the kids' home. Phone and get advice now. He is threatening you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2018 02:12

it's not really a police matter I don't think

He is abusive, threatening and you are frightened of him kicking the door in etc. It really is a police matter. Why not call 101 and ask them if you are not sure?

TigerTooth · 14/10/2018 02:16

Op - Change the locks and pack his things, as soon as he comes kicking the door, call the police. Your kids don't need extra school activities they need a safe and happy mummy.
You can get another job, get a lodger, get a council or HA place to live. You will be Sooo much happier in the long run.
You won't be on the streets with your kids and you'll begin to pick up the pieces. Take control. Contact debt advisory - in your circumstances you won't have to pay what you don't have.
My friend had a similar situation, she did it and he went ballistic but left when she said she would call the police. She had to move her boys from a private prep to state and it was hard for a while but now she has a happy home and even fosters vulnerable children as her home is calm and safe and happy.

Original poster

3k2catsandme · 14/10/2018 02:19

Thank you. I will phone cab on Monday, I have a day off so hopefully they will speak to me without asking me to make an appointment. In tears and feel sick. I worry about my debts aswell... I just don't know how I ended up like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

3k2catsandme · 14/10/2018 02:24

Tiger tooth that's what I know it would be like if I had my own house.... Happy and calm... No arguments, no shouting. No walking on eggshells.... I think of it so much, so often. It's the hardship I will put them in that stops me, it's such a massive step and I think.... Is it bad enough to do that.... But things have never changed it 21 yrs, children didn't change it, marriage didn't, moving didn't.... And yes some may ask why did I let it go on so long and kids etc but here I am...

OP posts:

MrsPawsitive · 14/10/2018 02:28

I hope you don't mind if I chime in. If he threatens violence, it does become a police matter, doesn't it? He's a bully, unfortunately, but I very much doubt he has any right to evict you and the children from your own home. It also seems like a very good idea for you to start documenting evidence of his harassment or abuse.

This whole situation is no reflection on you, that's for sure. Don't let him put you on the defensive because that's what bullies try to do. But you haven't done anything wrong. You'll get lots of good advice and support on here so you are not alone. No woman should ever have to endure this kind of treatment by her mate.

looondonn · 14/10/2018 02:29

Follow the advice on here

What a bully
I am so sorry you are going through this
With time it will get better

You are very close to freedom now
Fck him

Original poster

3k2catsandme · 14/10/2018 02:37

Thanks, dont have anyone to take to in rl, been isolated from ppl over the yrs and nobody close now. Anyway he's back now and v drunk, had another shout at me but hoping he'll go to sleep now. I do screen shot anything nasty he sends me... Unfortunately only recently as he used to be much worse, funnily enough I've never wanted to leave more than I do now..going to try and get some sleep now. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2018 02:45

The hardship of living on eggshells around an abusive parent is far far worse for children than having to live to a budget and not have extra curricular activities.

There is no nice way to say this, by staying with him you are harming your children far more than if you divorce him.

Mary1935 · 14/10/2018 08:43

Hi 3 sorry your experiencing this. It will be a police matter.The bastard cannot make you homeless. You cannot leave the house. I really would talk to the police and women’s aid and let them know the situation. What type of man would do that to his own children.
DO NOT LEAVE.
Please also look at the website entitledto- it will show you what benefits and tax credits you may be entitled too as a single parent.
Has he ever assaulted you? Just be mindful of him and call the police IF YOU feel threatened.
He’s a bully.Words fail me really. What a pig.
I’m sorry you are alone. It must be really tough and he must have ground you down over the years.
How are your kids coping? Is there anyone at school you could talk to. A teacher or the head?
Keep posting for support if it helps.🌺

Mary1935 · 14/10/2018 08:45

Actually your post will let more input on The Relationship Thread. If that’s what you want. I don’t know how you move it though😀

Siun · 14/10/2018 08:47

This sounds awful. Some men just will not be told what to do.

There is nothing to be gained for your children if you lose your job! I hope you hold on to your job and find some peace. Stand up to him. Capitulating to these bullies never gets them off you're back (if you're in a relationship with them, they always want you to bend further over backwards)

OliviaBenson · 14/10/2018 08:52

Don't bother with CAB. You should contact women's aid and the police.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/10/2018 09:02

Call the Police now OP, things are not going to improve. Protect your children and yourself. If he is steaming drunk and abusive, they will remove him. Take this opportunity !

Siun · 14/10/2018 09:07

If he knows you're prepared to call the police it may give him a clue that you aren't going to give in. He's banking on you taking his three kids and wandering off somewhere cos you're scared of him. Show him you're not scared. My x was abusive so the dangers are real. Easy to type ''show him you're not scared'' I know

Applesfortea · 14/10/2018 09:27

Your eligibility for legal aid depends on your income. Get an urgent appointment with a family law solicitor who deals in legal aid, take along evidence of income & bank statements to cover the past 3 months & they can assess you for legal aid & advise about your options. You can apply for a non-molestation order & an occupation order as he is abusive & you are the main carer for the children, so you need the home.
Why would you have to give up work if you separate from him?
If he is abusive, threatening or damages the property, ring the police for advice & help. The children need to be protected from him & so do you.

northernglam · 14/10/2018 23:41

Look at entitledto website and work out what you would get as a single parent from tax credits or universal credit. Your council tax would go down. You can't get housing benefit for a mortgage - which might be a reason for you to move and rent. CAB also be able advise you on finances and the council may be able loan you a rent deposit. Compare the costs of staying or renting.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/10/2018 08:58

Good luck for today OP, try to stay calm and keep your head, if he kicks off, you know what to do '999'. 💐

Powerless · 15/10/2018 21:10

OP why are you ignoring advice? It IS a Police matter!!! Trust me

Branleuse · 15/10/2018 21:23

id move out for safety. Fuck the house. Then force sale. Take the majority of the house value as you have the children, but get it on police record that he is violent and has threatened you

PlinkPlink · 15/10/2018 21:40

Your children know what he is like. They may have to go without but it will strengthen them. I would suggest being open with them. You need to leave for their safety. You are being kicked out by their father. Things will be very tough until you get some stability. If you pull together as a family though, you can make it work. Some of my best Christmases were when we skint as fuck but we learnt to appreciate what we did have.

Ducks in a row as much as possible. Paperwork photocopied. Finances copied. Mortgage copied. Everything.
CAB - housing and accommodation? Get that sorted.
Debts - Stepchange. Explain your circumstances. Sometimes debtors will accept £1 a month payment. You could file for bankruptcy. Gets a no more complicated if they're shared debts. Ring them away they're super friendly and they give great advice.
New job - local. Nearby. Doesn't have to be amazing. Just something coming in. No need for car if possible. Don't just check Indeed and Jobsite. Look at Facebook too. I got my part time job through FB.
Job centre - get yourself some help from the government. You should be entitled to tax credits for at least 2 of your children plus anything else they can add on.
Super thrifty shopping - ALDI, B&M, Pound shops... You name it. Even little treats for the kids. It's not ideal and it's not perfect but it's something. Cheap meals like beans on toast, eggs for omelettes, bread and butter pudding, tinned foods.

Don't bother about the car if you can. Too much expense.

You can do this. I promise you. Talk to CAB definitely. Talk to your local housing association (you should be a priority as you have 2 minors with you).

It's going to be fucking hard but fuck, you're going to do it without that bastard, you're going to do it because your kids need you and you're going to do it because you are capable and you are strong. We're here to bolster you too.

Xenia · 16/10/2018 12:31

In theory as I assume you earn less than he do and the older children would choose to live with you on a divorce if your joint incomes could cover the mortgage it is likely you could stay in the house and he would have to leave.

You may choose not to involve the police (your choice and I never did either but I accept most people on here think police should be involved). I got a solicitor to send him a draft divorce petition and we lived together until the divorce was final which was not of course fun at all but was the way we chose to handle it and only right at the end did he move out.

Your 19 year old might have a job or might be awau at university. I am not sure but may be you have a large male relative who could move in on a "visit" to stay at least for a few days.

As people say you might well be able to get a non molestation/occupation order if you choose to go down that route. I didn't coose to do that..

I agree with others that financially staying put with hopefully him paying child and spousal maintenance and may be earnings from the `19 yar old helping towards the mortgage and repaying the £20k denbts might be better than going bankrupt or throwing yourselves on the mercy of the the local housing department and social services or trying to raise enough deposit to rent somewhere. I presume you have no family member able to help e.g. they could guarantee the mortgage, get your husband off it, pay his share of the debts so he can walk away with no liabilities at all whilst you remain in the home with the 4 children and you both have a clean break?

mummmy2017 · 16/10/2018 14:13

You do have assets. He has a pension pot. The car and other things. He also won't get any UC you will. And some of his wages as he has to pay up for his kids.
You may find some of the house is profit, and he drinks so thereust be cash, he just necks it
Also you can get rehomed, so long as you stay put.

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