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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feeling guilty

11 replies

FishesThatFly · 07/10/2018 13:28

STBXH left June 2017 after 20 yrs together, 15yrs married. Two children.

He now lives in rented accommodation with the OW.

We have just had our Court Order Approved. I got the house with mortgage. I kept my pension and savings. He kept his pension (worth 5 times mine) and the redundancy money he has already spent. He was also given a lump sum payment so he had capital for a house deposit and l got some back in a pension sharing order.

But.

I feel guilty.

I am currently sitting here in my lovely house that is mine and he has told me he will never own his own property again as he can't afford a mortgage due to his age (51).

I feel l have cheated him out of a home for himself and l don't deserve this house as l haven't actually paid for it myself as the bulk was paid whilst we were married and from the sale of previous properties including his own flat.

I feel so so conflicted about it all Sad

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 13:52

Yeah, well, maybe he's now realising that actions have consequences! He can live happily every after in rented accommodation with his OW! Let's hope it's worth it.

However, remember, you ARE entitled to that house - you contributed to the marital pot presumably, by providing "free" childcare for him to facilitate the career he had that will provide him with a pension 5 times what yours is. Don't underestimate your worth. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Original poster
FishesThatFly · 07/10/2018 13:57

Yes that is true. I only work two days per week as l have the children 24/7 except for EOW that they are with him.... oh and a couple of hours midweek

OP posts:
Original poster
FishesThatFly · 08/10/2018 06:23

Still feel bad though. But l always have felt bad if l can't "fix" things for him

OP posts:
stellabird · 08/10/2018 06:32

At 51 there is every reason to think he can get another mortgage. Banks don't just go on a person's age - they just look at whether you can pay the payments. I've known of people much older than him getting a mortgage.

Don't beat yourself up because you got this particular house - he and OW will get another one, you don't have to feel guilty about anything.

He is your ex now - you can officially stop "fixing" things for him.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 08/10/2018 06:45

He kept his pension (worth 5 times mine)

Maybe he can get a mortgage on the strength of his pension?

At age 51 his current state retirement age is 67. So he has another 16 years of Work ahead of him.

Muddlingalongalone · 08/10/2018 06:51

In these situations I always remind myself - it was his choice to go off with OW. Over & over.

Original poster
FishesThatFly · 09/10/2018 07:18

Yea l agree.

I'm sure as time goes on .... and when he dumps the kids to go away yet again with OW, I'll feel better

OP posts:
Original poster
FishesThatFly · 09/10/2018 07:22

He also (in my opinion) wasted a lot of his redundancy money as he thought he was going to be able to force the sale of the house and get half, and so spent spent spent.

OP posts:
MissedTheBoatAgain · 09/10/2018 07:41

and so spent spent spent

and so tough luck, tough luck and another tough luck

Original poster
FishesThatFly · 10/10/2018 20:17

Yes, l do agree. I just get the prangs of guilt at times.

Although l have been re-reading and then deleting a lot of the messages we exchanged when we first seperated and the shear contempt towards me shines through, which helps my resolve again!

OP posts:
Ss770640 · 07/11/2018 19:32

Don't feel sorry for someone that has destroyed your family life.

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