Level of involvement with ex?

[Singletomingle]

Fairly newly seperated and just trying to establish boundaries. Currently I find almost every over day I get messages/calls requesting help from my ex. Sometimes its little things like getting some milk or helping with paperwork. Then there are other times where I'm expected to cancel my own plans to have our DC with no notice or as recently I was called as she had a puncture and didnt know what to do, in the end I had to pay for a new tyre as she was short of money. AIBU for resenting still being at her beck and call or is she expecting too much?

Expecting to much unless it's to do with DC just tell her it's not your problem anymore

I try to have as little to do with my ExW as possible. If it's not to do with the kids...I don't want to know. Just remind yourself why she's your ex!! You have to set boundaries or she'll think she still has the right to dictate what you do. Do not pay for anything that is not related to the children. If she asks you to take the children it needs to be with notice (unless a genuine emergency) or the answer is NO. Establish a fix routine and insist that she sticks to it. Routine is important for the children so frame it in that way.

Hi, it’s a difficult situation and I understand why you have tried to be helpful as it is important to to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the children. The problem is that being her “go to” person is untenable for you and her. At some point you will need to let her down or she may suddenly find a new “go to” person and drop you. I don’t know what is driving her behaviour. She may still have feelings, attachment or love, be very codependent or just not very organised / short of money.

You will need to do one of the most difficult things, be both assertive and kind. For both your sakes you need to get to a realistic agreement in place for how you share childcare. The children need stable and fixed parental care. This takes planning on both sides and a degree of flexibility. As the separation is new, the arrangements you both have made may not be quite right. A discussion about the arrangements and the extent you both want (and will both need flexibility) could be worthwhile. Maybe agree a regular conversation (email, text or face to face) to align your diaries in advance around mutual problems would be helpful. If you agree to do ad hoc cover for each other, make sure you both understand that you can say no (without recriminations) and you need reasonable notice.

As to the odd jobs, emergencies and money problems. I think you have to bite the bullet and explain that it makes you uncomfortable given your history and the frequency with which she needs help. I would suggest that you say that you want to get to a position where you could be there for her in a real emergency if she had nobody else. But right now, you can’t be that person. So unless it is an issue with the children, she shouldn’t contact you. If appropriate discuss how she could build a new support network, family and friends. But remember it’s not easy to ask for help and this may be her problem.

If you have constructive communication, just ask to meet in a neutral environment and have the talk. Otherwise perhaps some one off mediation or counselling would help.