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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Did I do wrong?

19 replies

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 11:42

I am new to this site and wondered if I could ask some advice please?

I am divorced from my ex, we have 2 children together. We have a court order that says that they live with me and see him overnight in the week and every other weekend. He moved to be nearer to his girlfriend earlier this year so no longer has the children overnight during the week, just on the alternate weekends.

The children and I were invited to a wedding last year and when I was informed of the date in January of this year I let him know straight away as it falls on his weekend. It is this month so I gave him 9 months notice. He said that he would not allow it at the time but as I offered him alternatives (days/nights during half terms, Summer holidays) and he declined them all I didn't really give it another thought.

I reminded him of the date a few days ago and he has said that the children are not allowed to go to the wedding because he has plans and I never told him (I still have the messages as proof that I did). I stood my ground reminding him that I have offered alternatives and gave him a lot of notice but he resorted to calling me a sanctamonius c*t and that I am s*t at everything that I do. I left him after 10 years of emotional, mental and physical abuse and have reported him to the police on 2 occassions for physical and verbal abuse before now.

He thinks nothing of cancelling his contact with the kids with no notice or explanation yet when I try to talk to him about changing things slightly to fit around what we are doing he always threatens me with court "to enforce the order". Court nearly finished me off last time and I became quite ill with the stress and he knows this.

This has really shook me up. He causes problems for the children. Our daughter has said that she is nearing the point of not wanting to know him and our son has to see a counsellor due to his fathers behaviour. I was a bit of a mess after his insults (on text) and it has brought back a lot of unhappy memories. He is due to collect them this evening for this weekend and the sheer thought of him being anywhere near us is causing me a lot of anguish today.

I have 2 questions. 1, have I behaved inapproapriately regarding the wedding? I told him as soon as I knew and offered alternatives dates.

Secondly, should I just roll over and let him continue to intimidate me like this? He frequently says things to me that are solely said to hurt me and it is usually when he isn't getting his own way. He is very controlling and hates the fact that he cannot command the children and I the way that he used to.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 05/10/2018 15:53

Unless your order has some specific provision about changing dates, I am afraid that yes, you are in the wrong. When he refused in January, you should have applied to vary the order, or told the kids no wedding

How old are your children now?

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 16:21

So even though he will cancel seeing the children when he feels like it without giving me any notice I should still have applied to vary the order when I gave him 9 months notice and offered him alternative time? He would have rejected any attempt for me to alter it anyway out of sheer contempt.

That seems so unfair. The children are 13 and 10 and both want to go to the wedding. It's not fair that they miss out.

OP posts:

Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 16:25

Legally if the days etc are set he's right. Also, he refused months ago so he gave you plenty of warning it wasn't going to happen for you to decide what action to take. He gave you 9 months' notice too. He refused.

I'm not saying I agree with his choice though.

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 16:27

I understand.

It basically means that if I take them then I'm breaking the law even though they want to go

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 05/10/2018 17:23

Not breaking the law. Breaching the order. He can apply for you to be punished for breach.

Punishment for breach is meant to secure future compliance rather than penalise, so.....

But you would be in the wrong to take them.

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 17:34

I've told him I'm not taking the children. The children are upset because they want to go but I'm not being accused on any wrong doing.

It's a huge Indian wedding and would have been a brilliant day for them but if he says no then I guess it's a no.

So the kids miss out and I get insulted. This worlds very unfair sometimes ☹️

OP posts:

MrsLindor · 05/10/2018 17:43

Would your eldest Phone him and ask? My ex likes to think he's causing me a problem but finds it hard to disappoint DD so I leave most of the communication between them. I'm sure a court would find any enforcement action from him unreasonable.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 05/10/2018 17:44

It might seem unfair but he is their father and he has rights. It is his time to have them, as ordered by the court and if you break the order he could actually ring the police.

You knew plenty of time in advance you couldn't take the children to the wedding so you have really escalated this situation by making the kids think they were going and trying to 'force' your ex into complying.

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 18:30

I understand

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 05/10/2018 19:39

I do t think the police would be interested. They'd simply tell him to take it back to court. I think you're in the right. Of course the next time he wants you to swop, you're obviously entitled to say no.

Time4change2018 · 05/10/2018 21:22

Have you not mentioned his breach each week he hasn't had them since he moved? Personally I'd take them to the wedding, he won't take you to court as he's in brach himself.

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 05/10/2018 21:51

He says it's my fault that he doesn't have them in the week. I have a bit of an issue with them driving for over an hour to get to school before 8:30 so he doesn't have them at all other than weekends

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 05/10/2018 22:39

So you stop him seeing them during the week as well?

pallisers · 05/10/2018 22:52

So you stop him seeing them during the week as well?

As well as what? She asked if they could switch weekends. He said no because he would rather stick it to his ex than let his children have a good time at a family wedding. She is not going to take them. so as well as what?

Love all this talk of the rights of parents. I thought contact was for the benefit of children? They'll vote with their feet soon enough.

Original poster

MaryJ2002 · 06/10/2018 03:30

Walkingdeadfanirl

That's a bit unfair, he moved to be nearer to his girlfriend without a second thought for the children and I highlighted that it wasn't right that the children get up at 6am and have an hours drive before a day at school. He then said that he'd not have them in the week. Ive never stopped him from them.

OP posts:

Whatnowiask · 06/10/2018 23:53

I’ve been married for 8 years and we have 2 kids together. The past 2 years have been horrible.

A little background. I work in a very male-dominated field with very little females around. For seven years I was faithful and very committed but during the past five years my husband had been constantly complaining and treating me as if I had been having “ inappropriate relationships.”

He was very insecure and we argued constantly even though I never did anything wrong. At one point he connected a secret iPad to my phone to be able to read all my text messages. Although that upset me, in the year he had it connected to my phone he never found one inappropriate message from me. ( although I have to admit some of my coworkers occasionally sent in inappropriate message which I would usually blow off or redirect their comment )

I got so tired of being blamed for things I wasn’t doing that it started to wear on our relationship. To my chagrin, I inadvertently got involved with a coworker who was the complete opposite. He trusted me and treated me amazing and realized that I worked around males and that was that. I began an affair with him and it lasted for over a year. My husband found out and we separated over it. I was truly happy with this other man.

Fast forward a couple months and this other man left his wife for me. I made a decision at work which ultimately led to us getting fired, although we were trying to help someone, it was looked at as “co-mingling work and non work functions”. Ergo we got fired together.

Now I don’t know what to do. My husband wants to stay together but I feel horribly guilty because this other man left his wife and is now unemployed, basically due to my decision. I don’t know what to do. I am very very happy with him but feel guilty either way. I get along OK with my husband but there’s really no passion and I’m not very attracted to him sexually at all. This other guy is amazing but I understand the grass is not always greener. My biggest problem is that I feel guilty either way. Opinions or advise? Anyone been in a similar situation?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2018 11:27

You need to start your own thread @Whatnowiask

VillageCats · 07/10/2018 11:35

Unfortunately because he has behaved badly doesn't mean you can breach the order. You really should have applied to vary the order when he said no. BUT it's unlikely he would be given more contact given the kids will be heard. And would be really go through the legal expense? Honestly I'd go to the wedding and plead ignorance. If it's the first time you've breached the order the judge is unlikely to really care. I'd also lost out all the times he's breached it by not having them.

Snog · 07/10/2018 11:41

I would take them to the wedding OP.
Most people including your ex don't stick rigidly to the agreement. What's the worst that could happen?

I would remind your ex about the times he had cancelled on the children and tell him that they will be coming to the wedding with you because they really want to go. It is wrong of your ex to ignore their wishes. How old are your dc?

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