Still in the family home but ex keeps coming in when I’m not here

[ComeOnGordon]

Ex left the family home earlier in the year after having a 2 year affair - he’s got his own small flat fairly near. He sees the kids maybe once a week and at the moment is still paying for everything. I only have a very part time job (he actively discouraged me from working more during our marriage) and my lawyer has said I shouldn’t work anymore until there’s a financial plan in place for maintenance for the kids and I.

We’ve had a conversation about him telling me beforehand if he wants to come to the house as he was just coming and going as he pleased. This seemed to stop it but twice in the last 2 weeks he’s been in the house at times when he knew I’d be out.

I know it’s still our house but I hate the invasion of my privacy - I don’t turn up at his flat when I want. I’ve taken to locking my bedroom door every time I go out which I shouldn’t have to do.

Any tips for getting him to stop or do I just have to accept it until we move out next year?

I don't have any advice but I am in the same situation so I understand. I know he has a right to come in but he keeps taking things, moving things around and I find it really intimidating. My STBXH has been violent in the past so I find this a form of harassment (though I am not sure if it legally is). He has no need to keep doing this. I felt I was in the film sleeping with the enemy when he kept rearranging some old money boxes on a bookcase. I thought I was going nuts to start.

I have spoken to my lawyers and the only way forward seems to be a non molestation order but I can't afford it and don't qualify for legal aid. I am just hoping through mediation he will understand and in time stop doing it.

If I find out anymore I will let you know. Stay strong.

Speak to your solicitor about what options you have. They'll be able to guide you to which will be the best for you and your family.

It's horrible isn't it? I'm not sure you can do anything about it as technically it is still a shared property until things are formalised, assuming you're married? Divorce/separation is always horrible, but it will be over with one day and you won't have to put up with it any more.

Change the locks

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I don’t think I can change the locks as the house belongs to both of us.

@Sicario - yes we are married & you’re right it will be over one day.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone - that’s a good idea. I haven’t spoken to my lawyer in a few months as she said as long as he continued to provide for us then I didn’t need to see her. He’s thankfully not being unreasonable with money at all.....well so far.

@snackerextraordinaire - glad it’s not just me & I can see why you’re extra worried if your ex has been violent in the past. Mine cleaned the upstairs bathroom sinkhole and took two nice glasses out the drink cupboard. Nothing major but enough that I would notice and what else did he do or look at that I didn’t notice. Thankfully I’ve not got much of a set pattern when I go out but it’s making me paranoid about leaving the house. So grateful that I can lock my bedroom door

Seriously, change the locks. It will take him 6 months and £2k in legal fees to force you to hand over a key for the new lock.

And of course, there's nothing to say you won't lose your keys the day after the court tells you to give your husband a key, so you'll have to change the locks again won't you?

If you've had a conversation about him telling you in advance, and he's 'agreed', then I'd go ahead and change the locks. If he challenges you, just say 'that's strange, I'll get it looked at! But why were you trying to get into the house without warning me first?!'. I reckon he won't try it again.

My ex did this and went through all my stuff. My solicitor said change the locks and emailed him herself to let him know this had been done. He was angry but his solicitor told him he had no business in the house when he wasn’t living there and refusing to pay mortgage and bills of any sort.

What type of lock do you have. We have a lock where I have to physically lock it from the outside.

My solicitor suggested locking it from the inside, leaving my key in the lock and going out the back door (he doesn;t have a back door key!)

Def change the locks. Doesnt cost much either

Change the locks. Yes officially it’s his house too and he could go down legal routes to get a key but in the meantime you could keep “forgetting” to give him a copy.

But he isn’t refusing to pay the bills and stuff - he’s paying for everything according to op.

I agree it’s a horrid situation, but changing the locks and leaving it for him to pay for legal fees to challenge it is hardly going to encourage him to keep paying the bills. It would take op an equally significant amount of money to legally challenge that if he stops paying.

Can he be encouraged to go to mediation about this? Or talk to him with a reasonable member of the family who he might listen to?

Personally I would see this as a massive invasion of your safe space, your home and would be extremely annoyed if it was me in your shoes.
I have a close friend who is supposedly going through a messy divorce with his ex wife, yet he sees nothing wrong in having her visit his home frequently for lunch or just turn up at any time and insult any one he is with, of either gender.
His actions have so far made his Son distrust his own Father, made his Brother distrust him and who now refuses to visit and has made me feel also reluctant to visit, in case his ex suddenly visits and I do not feel relaxed in his house.

Is he saying that he's doing it and assumes you'll be fine or is he thinking you don't know. Because if it's the latter, I'd tell him weird stuff is happening and you're fitting an alarm.

I think you are doing the right thing by speaking to your solicitor. As somebody has pointed out changing the locks could give you security but he could decide that he should no longer pay for the house. Then you will end up with very big legal costs.

It might also be worth a conversation / email about what happened. Perhaps just say that you noticed these incidents and want to ensure that it was him and not an unknown intruder. Explain how it made you feel, not knowing if it was him or somebody else. That in either case it is an invasion of privacy.

Highlight what a precarious position he is putting himself in if anything were to happen. Acknowledge his ownership of the house but explain that you both now have separate homes and that it is important that you both respect each other’s space. Tell him that if wants to continue to hold a key, you could expect a key to his flat, but you don’t because you respect his privacy.

Remind him that you will both have to maintain a long term relationship for the sake of the children and it is better to base it on respect than acrimony. Cheaper as well.

Thanks for all the replies - sorry I wasn’t back on the thread.

He hasn’t done it again - the last time he did it I sent him a msg saying “were you in the house again without telling me?”. He didn’t reply but he read it and my tone seems to have stopped him for now.

I have no intention of changing the locks - as a PP said he’s paying for this house just now and I don’t want him to suddenly stop as that would leave me in a very precarious position.

But as you all said it is in an invasion of my privacy. I made it very clear in an email when he moved out that he couldn’t continue to come and go whenever he wanted - he has made his choice to fuck up our marriage and if he continued to then I would turn up at his flat whenever I wanted. This worked for a while but then he’s so pissed off at me that the lawyer told me not to work anymore at the moment that I felt this was his way of trying to get back at me. I’m so grateful I can lock my bedroom door & I never leave anything private anywhere else but it shouldn’t have to be like this. Fingers crossed he’s got the msg this time.

Thanks again to anyone who replied - it’s been a hell of a year. It’s coming up to the anniversary of me finding out and i can feel myself getting sadder just thinking about how horrific that time was

@Redbus1030 - he’s an expert at being underhand!! He was having an affair and I had no idea!! . He’s also a pathological liar. I’m so glad we’re no longer together, as hard as the last year has been, I’m happier on my own. Just a shame we still have to have contact because of the kids. Thankfully he doesn’t see enough of them to turn them into liars too.